anyone else have a wife like this?

[Storyrider]

she ignore the kids, the husband and the house to the point of causing the family to be a disaster. You need to read the whole story or just come live here for a while to get the real feel.

 

You caught me. I didn't read the whole thread. I'm sorry she is ignoring your kids and you. That is not OK.

 

The housework part I can totally understand though. Not that it is good to let it slide, but I can understand the inclination, especially if she is depressed.

[jimm]

Jimm, why don't you talk to a lawyer and see what your options are? Frankly, while it sounds like she might hold the kids over your head and use them as pawns in a divorce, does she really even want them full time? I mean, how could she possibly handle them on her own? Do you think she doesn't realize she can't?

 

And if you can talk your wife into going to a therapist, it sounds like that would be a good idea. If she's been like this for a long time, she might have some kind of disorder that could be helped with medication. At the very least, she needs to get herself under control enough to be able to watch the kids so they don't get hurt.

 

Yes , she uses them as pawns. When we discussed divorce as an option I mentioned the HR22 rule of a 50/50 custody agreement. Noone pays child support since they share life with each parent 50/50. That was not acceptable to her. I know for a fact she cannot handle them. When I am here it runs perfect when ot is her and the kids it is chaos and take 2 hours to get things back in line. She feeds them crappy snack type food for supper and disregards any schedules they are on (I try to keep them on daycares nap and eating schedule)

She sees divorce as a way out. She throws the "I get half" in my face when the topic is mentioned (always by her) . We got in a big fight not long ago and she opened up and I was exposed to what she thinks would happen.....since I am worth over 1 million...she sees it as 1/2 million and she walks. She forgets that alot is on paper minus lawyer fees minus loan penalties & payoffs minus realtor fees minus capital gains taxes. Basically.....there is not crap there in that situation. I offered the 150k walk away deal and thats when she must have realized I was serious. She said she was going to learn to deal with this life and make it work....I have yet to see any changes. I do not know what she was talking about? We are back to fighting as usual.

 

I think I will suggest having her go see a therapist per your advice. Heck, I will even have them run me through the test just to see if it is me. I try to keep open minded to the thought of maybe it is me but I can keep my mouth shut and still see everything fall to peices around me....I think this would mean she is the one without a handle on things.

[jimm]

You caught me. I didn't read the whole thread. I'm sorry she is ignoring your kids and you. That is not OK.

 

The housework part I can totally understand though. Not that it is good to let it slide, but I can understand the inclination, especially if she is depressed.

 

I can fit the houswork into my workload if that was all it was. But my prob is, if I take over on her part of the housework plus do mine AND there is no intamacy left between us....what is left??

 

I honestly think it is just lazy.....I am gettting alot of replies suggesting medication but a illness would fall over the whole spectrum. You give her something that is important to her and its done perfectly and quik. You give her something else...forget it.

[Trialbyfire]

After reading your responses to many of the members questions, I'm also inclined to believe that there's something wrong with your wife and not just a game of control. If you can convince her, get her to see a psychiatrist so that if she requires medication, he can prescribe it.

[Guest]

Given everything you've posted here, I do think your wife may have a mood disorder of some type.

 

A person with a mood disorder (or anxiety, or a condition like ADD) will often be able to generate some motivation for thing that interest them or they enjoy.

 

Boring, repetitive, stressful, or tiring activities will often bring out their worst behaviors, if someone has a severe mood or anxiety disorder.

 

Another thing that can happen in a relationship is called underfunctioning/overfunctioning. What happens is as one partner becomes more responsible, the other becomes less so. So eventually they get into a parent-child dynamic with each other.

 

Once this pattern is in place, it can be very hard to break out of it.

 

I don't really know how to advise you -this is a very difficult situation.

 

I am thinking that if you go to a counselor on your own first, to help you clear your head out and sort out the issues, that might help as a starting point, as it sounds like you might be facing some very difficult times in the next few days, weeks, months, or years.

 

Print out these posts and let the counselor read them. They reveal your thinking and insight and that will be very helpful for a therapist trying to work with you to sort at least your role in all this out.

 

Do you think that if you approached your wife from a place of concern about her rather than out of anger that she might be receptive to getting at least a psychiatric evaluation? If you came at it from an angle of being worried about her health and all the stress she is under, maybe she would be receptive to that approach?

 

Given her behavior with your child, the hoarding, the inability to finish any task, the safety problems, I think she really does have some type of serious problem. Its very possible that if she got the right diagnosis and medication and counseling, that she could turn this behavior pattern around.

 

But the key would be finding the right angle to interest her in pursuing change and help.

 

Maybe you could consult a divorce attorney just to get clear about all the financial issues so that you would have hard facts to present her with in order to use as leverage for her to get help for herself.

 

If she knew for a fact that she wouldn't walk away with $500K, she might feel differently about just passively heading toward divorce through her negative behavior.

 

If I were you, I would also print out these posts and then start keeping a diary of her behavior. If you end up divorcing and dealing with custody issues, it will really help your case to have a record of detailed things that have happened.

 

I know there are two sides to every story, but if you are accurately describing her behavior and your feelings about all of this, I think you are doing all you can do with a partner who has some serious problem going on. Not to say you are perfect and she is all wrong, but your posts reflect that you have tried very hard to address this, that you care about your children and understand appropriate child care issues, and that you are a hard worker and not lazy yourself.

[justpassingthrough]

I do not want my kids to be this way. We live in a disorganized, cluttered house because of my wife. I am not so picky to where I NEED it all of time and I an fine with letting it go once in a while.

 

I have a bit of gratitude for you, Jimm, because you've helped me sort out my children's casual attitude about tidiness. We talked about it. They reminded me that I always picked up after them, then suddenly stopped and expected them to do it. And that's pretty much true.

 

And why did I follow them around, for years, picking up and putting away for them, without training/teaching them to do it for themselves? Because I didn't want my house to look like my mother's.

 

My mother was not a cleaner. Consequently, she either didn't do it at all or did what she had to do with the least amount of effort. The end result was quite the mess (two adults, five children), everywhere, all the time. I grew up cleaning because I could not stand living in it.

 

My father found another wife, one who kept a clean house.

 

My mom? Once she was diagnosed with and treated for depression and her home took on a whole new look. Jimm, the moment I saw my mom happily keeping her house in order it was easy to forgive because I saw the difference medication made and knew it was all because there was something wrong.

 

Jimm, in all fairness, I really think you should consider a medical opinion before you throw in the towel.

[tinktronik]

Okay Jimm, Im sorry but you sound like a jerk . Youv'e read loads of advice here , and disreguarded it all as "well Thats not what the liscensed MC said" . Well the LMC did not manage to help your M did they? So give some of these options a shot . So you've got screening for ADD , some sort of medical problem ( by the way my own lack of follow through, disorganization, and overwhelmement ended up to be caused by a thyroid disorder) so you've got a lot to talk to your wives doc about ; youve got trying many ways to motivate your wife, doing the chores yourself wiith your mouth shut about it , ignoring it and letting the house fall apart, doing the chores together ect. .... all of these things your own uptightness and blame making at your wife , has decided no no no ... but its her fault , shes a bad wife ...ect .

Well , guess what Jimm, you married her . You had kids with her . If your just looking for a way out of your marrige then just leave . Stop making excuses that nothing will help , and just say you want a D .

[climbergirl]

Tink-I'm glad someone finally said what you did, because I've read the following post over and over and it isn't sitting right.

 

I apologize if I'm sounding judgemental towards you Jimm, and admit that I know very little about laws regarding domestic abuse, but if she was hurting your child couldn't the police see bruises or get info from your child?

 

Common sense would tell me that the #1 priority would be protecting the child and if they even suspected she was hurting him, why would they remove you from the home?

 

I'm just not understanding.

 

 

 

 

 

may 2006

 

During a short time when I popped 2 vertabrea in by back from lifting too much a terrible event occurred . Our oldest.....2 yrs then was difficult to get dressed in his pj's. I usually did it but I could not move easily and so the job was in her hands. As he resisted her she fought back. She was preg at the time and very mental. Our son put up a typical fight of not wanting to get pj's on etc. The struggle intensified to the point of where she was hurting him, sittin on him and bending his arm in a way that it does not bend. His armpit was popped out, the socket was white and could see it was out of control and she was in a tizzy. I told her to "knock it off, you are hurting him" "get off of him" ....after 3 requests she ignored me . His bawling when from spioled brat crys to hurt crys. It became serious and I managed to get up and pull her off of him by only grabbing her arms and pulling straingt up vertically and moving her 3 feet away from him and placing myself between her and him. I looked her in the eyes and said "cool it b4 you break his arm" ...She was like looking into the devils eyes and instantly began kicking me in the gut, nuts , anything she could kick. She kept going back to him and pulling on his arm to get him twisted forcfully into one of those full length body pj's......you know the one with the feet in them. I pulled her off again and said go cool down...she refused and started beating the F out of me.

I retreated to the shop, called 911 and told them what was going on, where I was, and should I go get the kid out of harms way. They told me to stay in the shop, and hang tight,...I did so exactly.

Cops show up and I told them what happened. They talk to her and guess what.....I am cuffed and stuffed. ....Domestic abuse charges. Since I restrained her without her consent it was domestic. Nothing else mattered.

I later found a law in Iowa code saying that it wa ok to restain if it was to protect a child but I was arrested that night, spent 18 hours in the holding cell with 2 dislocated vertibrea and the softest thing to sit or lay on was concrete. I almost puked from the pain. Saw the judge the next day and was told that the state automatically puts a restraining order in place and I needed to find a place to stay. I was able to convice the judge I needed to keep working in order to be able to pay the bills and was allowed access to ONLY the shop on the prop but I must leave at the end of a business day ...5pm. I lived in motels and decided that was too expensive so I decided to stay at the parent 90 miles away. Each day I drove back and for to work 90 miles for over 2 weeks. I am self employed and HAD to keep the shop running due to credit card orders etc that needed to go out or else I could get in trouble with VISA etc. Court was not until 6 weeks later. Lack of sleep from back pain and all of the driving caused me to go off the road one night and I just about flipped the truck. I decided to stay closer to home and went back to the motel thing just a few miles from home at 70 bucks a night. The wife talked to the judge and had the NC order lifted and we were ordered to counseling. They heard the case and dismissed the charges.

Anytime divorce is mentioned she reminds me of those charges and how they will affect my custody pleas......and smirks. "That will teach you to call the cops" she says. She is right......guys, never call the cops to have them help get your wife under control.

By the way....they looked her over and there were no marks whatsoever. They took me in on just the fact that I restrained her against her will even though she was hurting our 2 yr old.

I now have this on my record. It is right next to all of my other violent crimes like no seat belt and 6 mph over speeding etc.

[tinktronik]

Tink-I'm glad someone finally said what you did, because I've read the following post over and over and it isn't sitting right.

 

I apologize if I'm sounding judgemental towards you Jimm, and admit that I know very little about laws regarding domestic abuse, but if she was hurting your child couldn't the police see bruises or get info from your child?

 

Common sense would tell me that the #1 priority would be protecting the child and if they even suspected she was hurting him, why would they remove you from the home?

 

I'm just not understanding.

Apparently after hearing the story from both sides , two police men and a judge decided his actions were inappropriate to the situation. But he does not see that . Here he is again insistant that he took appropriate actions . It is again all his W fault.

[Touche]

Ok, first let me apologize for not reading all of your posts in their entirety. You often don't break up your longer ones with paragraphs and they're too hard to read.

 

I also did not read all the responses. So, sorry if I'm saying something that has already been said.

 

First of all I want to know why you're wife is working? Is she working full-time? Where is your 9 month old during the day? In daycare or with you?

 

I think she has NO business working right now. Doesn't sound like you're hurting for money with your big house and all of your rental units. Your wife should be home taking care of the kids and keeping the house. If not her, then YOU should be doing it all.

 

I laid down the law with my husband a few years ago. Either I work full-time outside the house or I work full-time in the house. I ain't doing it both. So when I worked full-time, he did most (not all) of the house cleaning and I did most (not all) of the cooking. That's the way we did it.

 

Now I've been home full-time for the last 3 years. Our lives are way less stressful. I do ALL the household chores. He doesn't have to anything around the house.

 

We've been talking about me going back to work in a few months as we have some financial goals now. I already warned him that once I do...no more housework for me. We either get a maid, or he has to do it. Period, end of story.

 

I admire those women who have full-time jobs AND can keep a house. I know my limits. I can't (and won't) do it.

 

Some of us need more down time than others. She's not you. Back off.

[IpAncA]

I'm sorry but something is not right with your W.

 

You could try the threating divorce thing. Sometimes that can be enough to shake them up to the point of getting their head out of fantasy land. Sometimes it's only temp. depending on the person.

 

Your W reminds me of one of my college roommates minus the whole violence thing. All she wanted to do was nothing but sleep, play, and eat. Could not take on any responbilities, couldn't finish what she started, side tracked VERY easy, and didn't really care about anything. There was nothing mentally wrong with her but she you know I don't know what was her problem but she never took anything serious and if she did it would only last a short short time. If you said anything that required her to grow up etc..., it would go in one ear and out the other. But she was the first one out the door to go shopping, get something to eat, movies, etc...

 

I'm not going to quote "Guest" but I do agree with what that person posted.

[jimm]

Okay Jimm, Im sorry but you sound like a jerk . Youv'e read loads of advice here , and disreguarded it all as "well Thats not what the liscensed MC said" . Well the LMC did not manage to help your M did they? So give some of these options a shot . So you've got screening for ADD , some sort of medical problem ( by the way my own lack of follow through, disorganization, and overwhelmement ended up to be caused by a thyroid disorder) so you've got a lot to talk to your wives doc about ; youve got trying many ways to motivate your wife, doing the chores yourself wiith your mouth shut about it , ignoring it and letting the house fall apart, doing the chores together ect. .... all of these things your own uptightness and blame making at your wife , has decided no no no ... but its her fault , shes a bad wife ...ect .

Well , guess what Jimm, you married her . You had kids with her . If your just looking for a way out of your marrige then just leave . Stop making excuses that nothing will help , and just say you want a D .

 

I am listening to the advice and everything being said is important advice and we will seek the medical issue ASAP. I will only choose divorce as a final option

I am not a jerk...Out family is just very stressed right now and I have replied back that certain suggestions by members were either already adressed and I wanted to keep the discussion focused on new items we have not yet tried. What makes me sound like a jerk is that fact that in a situation like this,....friends and family do not want to get involved and/or you dont want to ask them for help. It is frustrationg for me to have to type my problems into a forum to try to get this fixed. I am however very glad that I have received so much info is such a short time.

As far as the divorce issue.....I was not the first person to ever to say that word ....she said it to me.

I am not looking for a way out of my marriage....I am looking for a way in.

[jimm]

Apparently after hearing the story from both sides , two police men and a judge decided his actions were inappropriate to the situation. But he does not see that . Here he is again insistant that he took appropriate actions . It is again all his W fault.

 

I was the one who called 911 and then stood in front of the house with a flashlight to wave them in to the right house (we have a long driveway). Does that sound like someone who just beat his wife? The cops came here with the same mindset as you, and that is why the charges were dismissed and the wrong person spent the night in jail.

I never had to testify. The judge took the wifes info a dismissed the charges so your part about "judge decided actions were inappropriate" is wrong, the judge decided I did not do anything wrong. She posted bail to get me out and she got the restraining order lifted. She did it on her own and to this day she knows realyy what happened. Out son was 3, too young to tell the cops anything. The cops felt they HAD to take someone in and they took the guy and left her and my 3 yr old alone in the house.

If I was the one at fault here than answer ths one....On court day she came up to me (keep in mind she is a teacher) and said "what should I tell the judge" I said "the truth" she said "but I could loose my teaching licence and DHS might get involved".

Now, those were the words out of her mouth. If telling the truth as to what happened that night would cause her to loose her license because of charges being put onto her for child abuse, then wouldn't that mean that she really did know she was out of line that night.

I am not here trying to get a crowd of pple to take my side and to incriminate my wife. I have told the exact and honest truth about all of the events leading up to this day.

[MoonGirl]

I know you may think I just come in the house nagging and yelling....your wrong. I started as just asking...then doing things on my own. eg ...unload the dishwasher and not say a word cuz it is not that big of a deal....I'll just do it myself. I admit, it a home with 2 small children there are a ton of things to get done in a week. We have tried to sit down and sort out who does what. We walk away from the table and I feel better. Within a week she drops the ball and is asking me to do her things also.

I truly work my butt off. I own my own business and 18 rental units. I hire anything to have to do with that stuff so I can be with the family more. Even with hiring ppl I still have alot of job responsibilities. I never get a day off. I often get up on Sat or Sun at 6am to finish up my job duties. She knows I practically kill myself month after month working, but I still set aside time and let her know "hey, I will be free all day Sunday, want to take the kids 4 wheeling".....We cant go, ....she sat around Saturday making a card for 4 hours for somebody on the computer and now all of her chores are backed up making family together time impossible. Unless that is, I want to spend the next week living in a s*ithole. The counseler said we were to make family free time by working for it....she wont.

 

Is your wife depressed? Do the 2 of you ever get out together, without the kids? Does your wife go out with her friends ever?

 

My situation is different because my husband was abusive, but maybe I can offer some insight anyway. After having 2 kids, I had no time for myself, or at least very little. I felt that I had lost myself, and I became very depressed. My husband was not at all supportive of me, and even though you do many things for your wife, she may feel that way about you too. I stopped doing most of the housework and felt very tired all the time...I could have fallen asleep at any moment. To me, simple pleasures (like your wife making a card on the computer) were all that kept me going some days. You should really talk to your wife about the possibility of her being depressed.

 

Here are some symptoms of depression, and, of course, not everyone who is depressed experiences all of the symptoms:

You feel miserable and sad.

You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy .

You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.

You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy

You feel very anxious sometimes.

 

You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.

 

You find it difficult to think clearly.

 

You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.

 

You feel a burden to others.

 

You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.

 

You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do.

You feel irritable or angry more than usual.

 

You feel you have no confidence.

 

You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).

You feel that life is unfair.

 

You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.

 

You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.'

 

You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain.

[tinktronik]

I am listening to the advice and everything being said is important advice and we will seek the medical issue ASAP. I will only choose divorce as a final option

I am not a jerk...Out family is just very stressed right now and I have replied back that certain suggestions by members were either already adressed and I wanted to keep the discussion focused on new items we have not yet tried. What makes me sound like a jerk is that fact that in a situation like this,....friends and family do not want to get involved and/or you dont want to ask them for help. It is frustrationg for me to have to type my problems into a forum to try to get this fixed. I am however very glad that I have received so much info is such a short time.

As far as the divorce issue.....I was not the first person to ever to say that word ....she said it to me.

I am not looking for a way out of my marriage....I am looking for a way in.

There are only so many set options you can try here . Weve done the list , there are very few options left to be suggested . So pick one . Getting friends and family involved most likely will do no good , it very rarely does.

Sounds like your W is overwhelmed and depressed , let up on it . Get a new MC as the last one obviously did not help , and get her to the doc.

[lovelorcet]

On the one hand you have no problem telling us all that you are worth a million, and you are willing to buy off your wife for 150k, on the other you are not willing to spend a fraction of that to try and save your marriage.

 

 

-Hirer a maid

 

-invest in some day care

 

-get your wife treated for depression

 

-the both of you should get some counseling because you obviously are not communicating with each other.

 

 

It does NOT matter if you think she is just lazy or not, she has a problem and yelling at her does not seem to help does it.

[Storyrider]

Here are some symptoms of depression, and, of course, not everyone who is depressed experiences all of the symptoms...

 

Brilliant post MoonGirl.

 

Jimm, you are picking up the slack around the house, but maybe that isn't the kind of help she is craving the most.

 

You seem like a perfectionist. Maybe she is acting out because she doesn't think telling you about her negative feelings would go over very well.

[jimm]

Ok, first let me apologize for not reading all of your posts in their entirety. You often don't break up your longer ones with paragraphs and they're too hard to read.

 

I also did not read all the responses. So, sorry if I'm saying something that has already been said.

 

First of all I want to know why you're wife is working? Is she working full-time? Where is your 9 month old during the day? In daycare or with you?

 

I think she has NO business working right now. Doesn't sound like you're hurting for money with your big house and all of your rental units. Your wife should be home taking care of the kids and keeping the house. If not her, then YOU should be doing it all.

 

I laid down the law with my husband a few years ago. Either I work full-time outside the house or I work full-time in the house. I ain't doing it both. So when I worked full-time, he did most (not all) of the house cleaning and I did most (not all) of the cooking. That's the way we did it.

 

Now I've been home full-time for the last 3 years. Our lives are way less stressful. I do ALL the household chores. He doesn't have to anything around the house.

 

We've been talking about me going back to work in a few months as we have some financial goals now. I already warned him that once I do...no more housework for me. We either get a maid, or he has to do it. Period, end of story.

 

I admire those women who have full-time jobs AND can keep a house. I know my limits. I can't (and won't) do it.

 

Some of us need more down time than others. She's not you. Back off.

 

 

SHe is a teacher...full time. Both the 3 yr old and 9 month old go to day care.

We discussed her staying home but she wants to continue being a teacher.

During the summer she is off for 3 months. During the summer she takes a nap every afternoon when the kids are sleeping. She does not do anymore housework then even though she is home all day. Actually, the house is worse since she does not pick up after herself during the day. Normally, during the summer months, when I come in from work around 5 30 I usually start figuring out what we are going to have for supper and start in on that. She will not even get something thawed or planned for supper. It makes the nights stressful since I know that she has been inside all day and could not even help me out by thawing something out.

We now try to plan suppers on the weekend for the upcoming week but even though she now knows what we are going to have....I still need to make sure I get the ball rolling.

I already know what it would be like if she were to quit working and was home all day....I have seen it 5 summers in a row.

And it is not just a messy spell that gets better. It only gets better if I either bring it up or start picking up the stuff myself. She uses the kids as an excuse to let things go. Her house she owned was not like this when we were dating.....this is all a big suprise to me.

[climbergirl]

I think the reason I'm doubting that all blame lies with your wife is because, throughout your posts, you have painted an extremely unflattering portrait of your wife. Which is fine and plausible. However, you fail to mention even one thing you have contributed to strain the relationship. Actually, there is one instance that you did mention....leaving your young children at home with a sick parent. And even that you didn't regret doing...you justified it by saying, "take that, how does it feel?" Right there you choose to get back at your wife instead of considering that it wasn't healthy for children to be taken care of by a parent who has the flu and is puking. You took a shot at her at the expense of the welfare of your children. So you aren't perfect either.

 

I point this out not to anger you or negate what she's done, but to say this; Nothing will improve if you don't accept that in some ways you have been a part of the demise. Both partners have to accept responsibility for what the marriage has become.

[jimm]

On the one hand you have no problem telling us all that you are worth a million, and you are willing to buy off your wife for 150k, on the other you are not willing to spend a fraction of that to try and save your marriage.

 

 

-Hirer a maid

 

-invest in some day care

 

-get your wife treated for depression

 

-the both of you should get some counseling because you obviously are not communicating with each other.

 

 

It does NOT matter if you think she is just lazy or not, she has a problem and yelling at her does not seem to help does it.

 

We have day care. and I only mentioned the million thing to bring up the fact that when she brought up divorce, she also mentioned taking 1/2 of everything and leaving me and taking the kids. She forgot to take into account how little would be left once things were split. My idea of the 150k thing was so the "family investments" would not be lost so that some day the kids could take over ownership. Her thoughts were that evrything would be sold and split 50/50. See....when equity is sold off for cash like in a divorce, there are alot of fees, taxes, penalties....its complicated. Basically, it becomes very expensive and in the end alot is lost and there is not much left.

 

In a earlier post I mentioned that if it were as easy as hiring a maid or writing some other check I would....it is not that easy.

[lovelorcet]

You are not seeing the big picture, all you are doing is coming here are trying to defend yourself.

 

Dude!

 

Your wife is sick, she most likely is suffering from a form of depression...

 

Let me say that again...

 

SHE IS SICK

 

Now stop your bitching, get a maid to help reduce your wife's and your own stress.

 

Get her into treatment.

 

This is the mother of your children; what do you think is more important to them, a nest egg or a mommy who can take care of them.

[jimm]

I think the reason I'm doubting that all blame lies with your wife is because, throughout your posts, you have painted an extremely unflattering portrait of your wife. Which is fine and plausible. However, you fail to mention even one thing you have contributed to strain the relationship. Actually, there is one instance that you did mention....leaving your young children at home with a sick parent. And even that you didn't regret doing...you justified it by saying, "take that, how does it feel?" Right there you choose to get back at your wife instead of considering that it wasn't healthy for children to be taken care of by a parent who has the flu and is puking. You took a shot at her at the expense of the welfare of your children. So you aren't perfect either.

 

I point this out not to anger you or negate what she's done, but to say this; Nothing will improve if you don't accept that in some ways you have been a part of the demise. Both partners have to accept responsibility for what the marriage has become.

 

They were sick too...both kids had it also. She wanted me to haul them to daycare even though they are not supposed to be there when they are sick..it the daycares rule. I dont know what she wanted me to do with them yesterday. Unlike her job where they call in a sub. I have to shut down if I were to stay in the house all day. I can do that if needed but I figured since she was already planning to be home, then why would it make sense to haul them to DC?

A few days earlier she said she could do a better job raising them by herself once she divorced me. Yesterday was her day to pretend that I was no longer a part of her life or the kids.

I know it was a cheap shot but I am tired of giving in constantly. I have only gotten this way recently since I am at the end of my rope and since she is so ready to give in on this marrage without making any effort to turn it around.

[jimm]

You are not seeing the big picture, all you are doing is coming here are trying to defend yourself.

 

Dude!

 

Your wife is sick, she most likely is suffering from a form of depression...

 

Let me say that again...

 

SHE IS SICK

 

Now stop your bitching, get a maid to help reduce your wife's and your own stress.

 

Get her into treatment.

 

This is the mother of your children; what do you think is more important to them, a nest egg or a mommy who can take care of them.

 

 

I agree and will do so.

[Sup]

I know you may think I just come in the house nagging and yelling....your wrong. I started as just asking...then doing things on my own. eg ...unload the dishwasher and not say a word cuz it is not that big of a deal....I'll just do it myself. I admit, it a home with 2 small children there are a ton of things to get done in a week. We have tried to sit down and sort out who does what. We walk away from the table and I feel better. Within a week she drops the ball and is asking me to do her things also.

I truly work my butt off. I own my own business and 18 rental units. I hire anything to have to do with that stuff so I can be with the family more. Even with hiring ppl I still have alot of job responsibilities. I never get a day off. I often get up on Sat or Sun at 6am to finish up my job duties. She knows I practically kill myself month after month working, but I still set aside time and let her know "hey, I will be free all day Sunday, want to take the kids 4 wheeling".....We cant go, ....she sat around Saturday making a card for 4 hours for somebody on the computer and now all of her chores are backed up making family together time impossible. Unless that is, I want to spend the next week living in a s*ithole. The counseler said we were to make family free time by working for it....she wont.

 

 

WHO is SHE making this card for?..........

[IpAncA]

Have you considered talking to professionals about this online? I'm not talking about seeing a counselor in person but going on one of those free counseling message boards to see what professionals/other people think about this? Just to get a psychological view? I mean you have some of our views but it might help to get a professional view as well. Just a thought.

 

The relationship can't stay like this. It won't work.

 

I can't post sites on here but if you search around there is a good one.

 

I mean you could hire a cook, a maid, a nanny, etc...but would that solve your personal realtionship with her?