anyone else have a wife like this?

[markfromark]

Jimm, after reading this entire thread it seems obvious that the following needs to happen:

 

- get DNA tests for all your children, real easy nowadays, just send in hair from them and yourself and you will know for sure in a week or two

 

- monitor her computers via keyloggers, if you don't know how to do that then get someone to show you (as in hire someone to show you)

 

- talk to a lawyer about how to prepare for a divorce, a good divorce lawyer can advise you what to do with assets, children etc. BEFORE you file or even tell your wife.

 

TAKE SOME ACTION, just posting and whining here every day will not change anything.

 

TAKE SOME ACTION, because if you don't you will be still posting here in 10 years and realizing that you just flushed the past 10 years of your life down the toilet.

 

I've read all the 'oh your wife is sick' and 'uh you gotta help her'. That's all fine and noble but in the end your are wasting your life time, and guess what, you will not get your time back, it's gone. And your children will not benefit from the environment they are in right now either.

 

You deserve the life you want to live, or you will live the life your wife imposes on you.

 

Good Luck, MfA

[markfromark]

I really do love her, but she seems to have zero respect for me.

 

Why anyone ever love someone who has no respect for them????

 

Maybe you could analyze for yourself what it really means when you say 'I really do love her'.

 

How can anyone love someone without being loved back? Love is not a oneway street, love needs to be mutual at all times. Think of love as a two legged chair, if one is gone you have no chair.

[Sevenmack]

Now that I've read the rest of the thread, I have to agree with markformark. Get out. Now.

 

Sure you can help her deal with her other issues, but only if she seeks psychiatric attention. She doesn't seem interested in doing so and in fact, seems more interested in engaging in the kind of selfish behavior most people with bipolar disorders, addiction and depression tend to do.

 

Back when I was dating a girlfriend in college who was an alcoholic, I tried ignoring her problems. But it didn't work. Eventually she got emotionally abusive and I wasn't going to take it. While I attempted to stick by her when she finally got into therapy, I was burned out from the relationship. Too many issues and too little reason to stick with the problem. Especially after substituting alcohol with sex by sleeping around with a rehab buddy.

 

Certainly you are at fault for part of this. Definitely for ignoring the psychiatric issues before they got out of hand. But now you have to take action. The kids depend on you to do so before the abuse becomes ingrained in their personalities. Then you -- and likely, their spouses -- will end up dealing with these problems down the road.

 

Leave the house with the kids. Get divorce papers filed and get the evidence collected. File for custody. Demand that she go into therapy if she wants to get joint custody or visitation. Do anything. But don't continue the inaction.

[Guest]

Every one can try to help you with their words of wisdom but you have to be the one to carry it out.

 

I don't agree with just filing for divorce because the house is always messy. I believe you have to do something about it and then if she makes your life miserable then leave and take the kids (good luck with that one though, you wont' get the kids).

 

Take charge and hire a house keeper. Take it out of the house funds and ect.

 

Before the help comes in tell her to get the things put away that she does not want anyone to touch give her the time and date the help will be there and stay firm with that. don't let her say "I need more time to put my things away" that is just an excuse. and don't help her.

 

I feel for you I have had to deal with a live in mother inlaw that had the same problem and I have heard every excuse under the sun of why the housecleaners cannot come today.

 

I finally just said tough, I told you the date and time and that is that. she was really mad, i mean mad. But realized that every week at a certain time this would happen and the house did get cleaned up and things were put away. She did have a very small area where she could store her junk and that is what it was. But dishes, towels, clothes were put away. floors were shiny and you could see them again. The carpet was clean. and life was nice again.

 

My H and I told her the common areas were not places for her to just leave things out. common areas are to be clean NO exceptions.

 

It worked. what will your wife do divorce you because you brought in a house keeper? I don't think so. she will start to like it belive it or not.

 

If you don't step in it is half your fault.

Take pictures before and after the cleaners come in. You don't have to let her see the pictures. this is just for you to keep and use if you ever needed to.

 

I cannot see any one suing for divorce because the other spouse wanted a clean house. that is not cruelty in any sense. Unless you stood over her with a whip and made her have a spotless house. and you are not doing that.

 

It sounds as if you are very much afraid of her, for your sake I hope not. Because that is the reason you marriage would fail not because the house is messy. Do some thinking on this tonight and get tough.

[JamesM]

No, nothing rash yet. Personally, I have a lot of sympathy for you. My wife has always been for the most part a good housekeeper, but she has also dealt with depression. During those times, she ignored doing those things she had to do and focused on the things she wanted to do. And she slept. As she told me, why should she get up when nothing exciting was facing her. And she did the fun stuff because that was the only way she could find some enjoyment in life.

 

As a teacher, how is her performance? Does she enjoy her job? Does she do any work at home for her job?

 

Does she show love for the children or does she pretty much ignore them?

 

Do the two of you talk at all about your feelings?

 

Do you ever go out on dates?

 

It has been said by many, and so I am only restating what has been said, but your wife has a mental disorder. It may "only" be a minor depression, but I am thinking more than that. It may be bipolar disease, but then you would be talking about times where she was extremely happy and full of energy. I do not remember reading any of that. So, then we come back to a clinical depression. And what would be the cause? Perhaps a chemical imbalance or a childhood trauma or a thyroid disorder.

 

The question becomes...can you get your wife into a doctor to be checked out? Will she go?

 

And I understand how difficult it is to "simply take charge of your household" as many like to say. When you live it day after day, simple statements like that ignore the fact that the wife obviously has no respect for her home let alone her husband. She won't simply say, "Okay, whatever you say." He will have a fight...which from what I read has happened many times.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would talk with a different therapist on my own, and ask his or her opinion. Then I would work on getting her to the doctor. Somehow she needs to know that you are doing this out of tough love....either for her or for the two (possibly three) children that the two of you have brought into the world. This needs to be reinforced. The fact that she teaches shows that somewhere inside of her is a love for children. I doubt that she really wants to treat her own poorly. I think it comes down to the simple fact that she no longer cares...whatever the reason...or that she has given up...for whatever the reason.

 

Your job as her husband is to give her hope when you yourself no longer think there is.

[radionovice9696]

you should get a lil on the side

[mrmaximum]

Jimm, this sucks but I agree with the various posters here. You are at a crossroads where none of the decsions that you need, (read NEED) to make will be easy, but the are NECESSARY for the well being of yourself, and your children, and even your wife.

 

1. Hire a housekeeper - You don't need her permission and you don't ask her either, she isn't keeping up her end of a bargain that she herself asked for, that essentially means that she has lost the right to complain. She won't clean but she doesn't want a housekeeper, that is called cake-eating and real life doesn't work that way!!!! If she does complain, tell her nicely (read nicely) that until you keep up your end, this housekeeper stays. Don't give in on first try either (or the second, you've heard a lot of crap), you have to suffer, this will at least alleviate that for a while

 

2. GET HER CHECKED OUT FOR DEPRESSION AND ADD!! - I'd bet my last dollar that she has it, my step daugter has ADHD and while she would literally writhe in agony if she had to keep her mouth shut for more than 2 minutes and would get distracted at the drop of a hat, there where a few things she could do quietly until they where finished!! ONCE AGAIN, IF SHE WANTS THIS MARRAIGE TO WORK SHE MUST GO NO IFS ANDS OR BUTS.

 

3. Get a DNA test -This will suck but I agree with Mark, there is no harm in finding out, knowledge is power, yeah?

 

4. Talk to a lawyer. - It never hurts to lay things on the table and find out what the whole deal is. If she balks at anything, then you need to leave. Something has to change before someone really gets hurt, and at this point it isn't a matter of if, but when. Mark is right these choices aren't easy but if you dont make them you will be here years later saying th same things!! You have children, who is thinking about their best intrests? The example they are being shown is atrocious, you need to think about their mental and physical health.

 

One more thing; Guest, you wife shows no respect for you......why on God's green earth are you still there? You love her...so that means that you don't mind being her doormat? The thing for you is to MAN UP. She told you that she won't change (why should she, you accept everything) THAN LEAVE, you deserve better than that. Plain and simple

 

Good Luck to both of you.

[woe_is_me]

Hi Jimm .. i feel somewhat sorry for both of you..

 

Firstly i sympathise with her..this woman is trying to talk to you about something thats obviously very important to her (and clearly from your OP not important to you)..yet all you can do is fuss about the food cooking and the table not being set!???

Any wonder she doesn't find you a turn on anymore.. do you have the tea towel slung over your shoulder as well Felix?

 

Some of the suggestions above are terrible ..lawyers? doctors? gathering evidence? I hope you disregard some of the above posts because they are quite extreme .. she obviously lets you chat on the internet but is she there badgering you while you're here posting?

 

I fully understand not wanting a housekeeper and her feelings about having some stranger going through her stuff. I cannot stand other people touching things in my house ..i.e tidying up ..doing my dishes... It actually feels like i've been violated... your W knows where everything is and if someones there moving things about she wont know where anything is.. there is probably method to her madness...call it organised chaos if u wish..a friend of mine did my dishes the other day grrrr!!!! imagine my horror when i pulled out my potato masher and it wasn't washed properly!!! grrr!! see my point????

 

Your house may be 'untidy' but its most probably 'clean'

 

"My house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy" is a saying i once saw written somehwere.

 

Stop worrying so much jimbo you need to chill.

Maybe your Wife doesn't care what you think anymore and just wants you to go?

Once the wife stops having sex completely she usually knows its at the risk of losing her H. If any other woman will have him that is...

[woe_is_me]

My wife had the kind of parents that buttered her toast for her evey morning until she was 18 and I am stuck with someone with no idea how to raise a family or take care of a home..

 

 

why did you marry her then?

 

p.s the more i read the more i like this woman! shes funny!

[markfromark]

this woman is trying to talk to you about something thats obviously very important to her

 

I can not see that from any of his posts at all. I don't think she has a mental problem. She behaves like someone who does not have the guts to tell her husband that she wants to split. I think she is rather manipulative in that she makes life for her husband increasingly miserable until he folds and asks for a divorce, which is what SHE ultimately wants. Then she can play the sad wife who got dumped when instead she initiated all of it.

[woe_is_me]

I was also told to listen to her stories more and let her vent. God, ...I try so hard to listen to those freak'n stories that last for up to an hour. Many times these stories from her are being told right when I am trying to cook supper when I have my hands full. I ask her to please set the table, everything will be done is 5 mins (e.g)....she just keeps on talking and next thing you know it is a fight cuz the foods done and and the table did not get set.

 

from his original post Mark

 

She behaves like someone who has two young children ..a job.. and interests that are many and varied..

[mrmaximum]

I can not see that from any of his posts at all. I don't think she has a mental problem. She behaves like someone who does not have the guts to tell her husband that she wants to split. I think she is rather manipulative in that she makes life for her husband increasingly miserable until he folds and asks for a divorce, which is what SHE ultimately wants. Then she can play the sad wife who got dumped when instead she initiated all of it.

 

Woe is her huh, did you read the parts about him taking the slack for her for the last little while, more than just a few months too by the way? Is it his job to do all of it? Yeah she has two small children and a job...so does he. He is doing what he can to fix it, and even put forth some suggestions of what can be done to fix this long standing problem, (which he is doing his promised share but she isn't). Maybe there was a time for him to just back off and wait on her to come around, but after this long that no longer seems viable. He has gone to marriage counseling, he has urged her to go to therapy. What else is there? Wait a little more, not viable or reasonable at this point of the game. Maybe there are somethings that he did to contribute to the problem, but he's human, not a doormat.

[woe_is_me]

Yeah, i did read it all.. and a man that cooks AND cleans is indeed rare.

Just because we think his W is lucky to have him doesn't mean she does.

 

She could possibly be taking him for granted .. a W can become complacent like that. She certainly sounds like shes 'in another world'

 

Jimm says he walks in and 'doesn't say anything' when his W hasn't done what he thinks she should've or wanted to..maybe he SHOULD say something or raise his voice a little and wake her up out of fairy scrapbook land..

 

Six years isn't a long time to be married hopefully they work things out!

[jimm]

I can not see that from any of his posts at all. I don't think she has a mental problem. She behaves like someone who does not have the guts to tell her husband that she wants to split. I think she is rather manipulative in that she makes life for her husband increasingly miserable until he folds and asks for a divorce, which is what SHE ultimately wants. Then she can play the sad wife who got dumped when instead she initiated all of it.

 

You are one of the few that are on tract and when you said that it hit the "nail on the head".

Everyone else seems to be on the "get her medicated trip" ...wrong.

it is more like, ...sit back, do nothing, be a bit&*, and wait till it passes through. Someone needs to intitiate something here. This just sucks. My wife and I have grown apart and do not see things the same anymore. She is ignorant, selfish, careless etc.

 

I cannot leave since it is abondonment.....she will not leave, what should we do?

[jimm]

Yeah, i did read it all.. and a man that cooks AND cleans is indeed rare.

Just because we think his W is lucky to have him doesn't mean she does.

 

She could possibly be taking him for granted .. a W can become complacent like that. She certainly sounds like shes 'in another world'

 

Jimm says he walks in and 'doesn't say anything' when his W hasn't done what he thinks she should've or wanted to..maybe he SHOULD say something or raise his voice a little and wake her up out of fairy scrapbook land..

 

Six years isn't a long time to be married hopefully they work things out!

 

Much agreed,....Alot of frustration lately since my first post. This does not end. I still cook 90% of the time and do a fair share around the home. She finds her priority in other things. We have taxes that need to be done .....you know going through receipts etc.......well, last week was spring break for teachers so,...with the whole week off,....nothing got done. I got my business stuff done but the other half of "our" business did not. So I will get stuck doing that also. I just get tired of doing all of the really important stuff while she sits back enjoying everything I created. Oh....her excuse....."the kids" ...well that is bull since the kids are easy and can be preoccupied by kiddy dvd's etc....but not for her.

I just get tired of doing all of the important things while she dedicates her mind to the simple life pleasures.......it is just not fair.

[JamesM]

My wife and I have grown apart and do not see things the same anymore. She is ignorant, selfish, careless etc.

 

I cannot leave since it is abandonment.....she will not leave, what should we do?

 

You need to do something...that is for sure. Since you first posted here, what NEW thing have you tried? What were the results? If it helped slightly, how will you expand upon that? If it did nothing, what next will you do?

 

You seem convinced that medicine will not work. I can tell you that a medicine or change of a medicine WILL help...much more than you can imagine.

 

My wife changed her thyroid pill based on MY research, and it has improved her overall health. Granted, it doesn't seem to be what I was looking to improve, but for her, her life has been dramatically improved. SO, for you not to even look into the possibility of her problems being the result of a mental condition may set your progress back. The one thing I learned when I was (and still am) researching what our marital problems are related to...never assume that what has been suggested won't work unless you have tried it at least once. It may not work, but it may be the solution. I know when someone suggested the thyroid as the reason for her problems, I assumed that they didn't know what they were talking about. I was wrong.

 

So, make a list of all of the things suggested. Then determine a plan as to how you can determine if any is the solution. And as you try each one, cross it off, and remember that you have at least tried.

 

Sitting back and not trying will get you exactly what you are doing...nothing.

 

I say this a bit harshly...but kindly and from experience. I do not say it as criticism to you. I have been in your shoes. I have lost all hope. I have made the assumption that nothing can or will change.

 

If someone can give you hope, then you can at least think that just maybe something will change. This alone will give you energy. If I could see in the future and tell you that in June of this year or sooner, all of your troubles would be solved provided that you began trying to solve them, you would be doing everything to make sure that happened. And if I gave you a list with ten possible solutions and said that one for sure will work, you would try every one with enthusiasm. Why? Because you have hope. On April 1 of last year, I had no clue that by April 4, my wife's life and mine along with it would be radically improved. In fact on that day, one of her doctors refused to change her medicine. (Only after she pushed a different doctor did she get her change of medicine) So, for me. April 1 was like one of those days when all hope was gone. And my wife also felt that hopeless feeling, too.

 

Since I cannot guarantee that anything will work, I can say that everyone who has found success was in your position at least once before they found their answer. As simple as it sounds, and as much as you may not want to face it, nothing will change until YOU find the answer.

[woe_is_me]

I cannot leave since it is abondonment.....she will not leave, what should we do?

 

Im probably not the right person to be answering this but you sound like a definate affair candidate.

 

I guess some couples just choose to stay in the misery regardless

 

I know of a man who did more than his fair share of work, very good provider but he doesn't get any sex. He says he stays for his children.

 

After being here for a few weeks ive realised that everyone is so different and that every relationship is different and just because i wouldn't or couldn't stay in a miserable relationship doesn't mean others cant or don't or won't.

 

Im 36 and yet to work out whether the saying 'better the devil you know' is true.

My xh did NOTHING he cut the lawns and carried the shopping. They are the only two things i missed when we separated. We separated after 7 years and his one night stand. We are still good friends (strictly platonic) but i know he is sorry to this day. And we could have oh so much money/security etc. if we didn't live in two separate houses. But we do.

Therefore i'm one of those people who doesn't understand staying to live in such misery when you could separate become friends again and maybe just maybe recapture what was lost after you married.

 

That hasn't happened in my case, i think thats because of the one night stand though. Some of us women just can't get our heads around the cheating. Others can though.

 

You should just leave for a little bit..give her a scare..she wont like doing all those chores on her own..! and you haven't cheated YET! You sound like a good man (unlike my lazy xH) and maybe your wife doesn't know what shes got until she loses it my friend.

 

The longer you stay without addressing these isses the more assets u accumulate and the more everything becomes set in concrete.. she may never change and you won't know unless you leave or separate for a while..if your wife has no intentions of changing then your home will become your prison.

[ridingthebulls]

I do not think being on the same page about sex would be the cure all. I am wishing for her to be on the same page about helping around the house. I am fine if things are not done and are set aside but it is always being set aside, put off for another day etc. As a teacher, she gets summers off. Right before break starts she makes a todo list for herself eg plant flowers here, organize a closet etc. She cannot even commit to requests she makes to herself. If she does start a task it is never completely finished. One winter, while I was shoveling the sidewalk after the first snow...I found the clippers used when she trimmed her rose bush during the fall a few months earlier. That is the 3rd winter in a row I found some tool left outside after she used it and never put it back along that side of the house.

The kids are at jepardy due to this carelessness. Leaving the vac plugged in and not putting the safety plugs back in is not a good thing since out 3 rd old tries to plug things in or take the plug out. Ive mentioned this several times....no luck.

Naps and enjoying life are fine but our 6 month old tumbled down 18 stairs a month ago during one of her careless weekend naps.

SHe wanted to hang some pictures a while back, I came in the door to find my 4 month old daughter playing with her pile of picture hanging nails since my wife was now absorbed in sorting through the pictures going into the frame in an entirely different room of the house.

Ive tried to point out that these acts are careless but to her...I am nagging.

 

 

Your wife is completely negligent with the kids and can't be trusted caring for them whatsoever. She is old enough to know better!!!! My sister was in her twenties raising two kids and was very meticulous in making sure her kids were safe and in no danger. I don't know how she did it, but taking care of the kids, husband in every aspect, home and working is like being a superwoman imo. Your wife is a mess.

Does she have a job on top of everything else or just a housewife. If just a housewife, she has absolutely no excuse. Hell I still don't think she has any excuse to be that irresponsible.

She's probably overwhelmed, but that's a part of life. I know one thing for sure, watching your child is more important than hanging picture frames on a damn wall! Her priorities are skewed.

[ridingthebulls]

Naps and enjoying life are fine but our 6 month old tumbled down 18 stairs a month ago during one of her careless weekend naps.

 

OMG! I just read that part. She sounds like a degenerate mother I have to say. Do not let her watch the kids alone EVER!

[ridingthebulls]

I tolerate this for the kids. I know that I will not win in the courts. I know I will loose. Divorce is a no no in our family and I do not want my kids to become a statistic. I think there is always a cure for a problem. I believe anyone can be fixed.

There are many issues here that there would be no way of me finding out until we had kids and the house work load increased. I deliberately waited until I was alomst 30 to get married in hopes I would be smarter since so many of my friends made the wrong choice. ...I was wrong.

 

 

Unfortunately not many know people until they marry them. I've seen people change their personalities drastically months after saying "I DO". It happens to a lot of people. But it's not worth living miserably just to prove a point. Maybe you won't be a part of the divorce stats, but you'll be a part of the UNHAPPILY MARRIED stats.

[ridingthebulls]

Divorce the beast.. document all her negligence.

Give her half or 1/4th of the money and run. Nobody deserves a spoiled lazy brat who doesn't make any effort in the marriage. The more money you make in the long-run, the more you will have to throw her way if you prolong a divorce.

Marriage is overrated. You don't want to risk everything again just to marry a wife who will use you for money and laboring, doesn't even want to make love to you anymore and turns into a total slob and nut after marriage. A long-term respectable relationship can be cultivated without marriage and imo keeps both parties on their toes moreso than if they sign a "binding" piece of paper.

[RecordProducer]

Wow, Jim, I don't want to be rude, but I would hate to be YOUR wife. And I keep my house in good order. What bothers me most is that this chore division seems to be the only important thing in your marriage. I really don't understand why you don't hire a cleaning lady who will also do laundry. I have one, my kids are 8 y.o. and I still have a lot of work in the house. I cook 3-4 times a week and I don't work!

 

You would benefit from some change of attitude about the significance of all this bullshyt. Also, beside hiring a cleaning lady, you could organize yourselves better. For example, I don't fold my laundry - I hang it. It's easier and faster and leaves no wrinkles.

 

What do you cook? Who takes care of the dishes after cooking and dinner? Who cleans up the table? Who cleans the house? Who goes shopping? Who feeds the kids? Who drives them to the day-care center? Who walks the dog? Who cleans the bathrooms and the kitchen?

 

Frankly, all the chores in a house, including cooking may take up to 30 hours per week. Some people are just faster and more efficient than others. I think you're wasting your life on stressing over stupid things. Are you aware at all that some day you will die and the laundry just won't matter? That your wife might find out some day that she has a breast cancer (God forbid!) and you will have nagged about the laundry every day before that? Would you continue? I don't think so.

 

You need a major re-examination of your priorities in life, love, and marriage. You married your wife, because you were in love with her, not to nag about the laundry all day long. It's just such a turn-off. Our sexy hero doesn't talk about house chores.

 

And talking is more important than cooking for a successful marriage, believe it or not...

 

I hope you could sense my desire to open your eyes and persuade you that life is good in my harsh tone... and certainly not my desire to offend you - although I must have.

[RecordProducer]

Divorce the beast.. document all her negligence.

Give her half or 1/4th of the money and run.

Wow! Somebody is bitter. You sound like a very angry person generally. You'd benefit from counseling so you can calm down and lose the attitude.

[woe_is_me]

Naps and enjoying life are fine but our 6 month old tumbled down 18 stairs a month ago during one of her careless weekend naps.

 

 

OMG! I just read that part. She sounds like a degenerate mother I have to say. Do not let her watch the kids alone EVER!

 

Where was Jimm when the 18 mnth old tumbled down the stairs? If Jimm wasn't there then hmmm i'd have to say that to nap during the day when baby is not is very dangerous.

 

Two storey houses in my opinion aren't very child friendly they have gates for these reasons to be situated at top and bottom of stairs. Maybe Jimm should've been down at the hardware store and fixing gates instead of worrying about the washing and the cooking!

[RecordProducer]

3. Get a DNA test -This will suck but I agree with Mark, there is no harm in finding out, knowledge is power, yeah?

What for?

Hi Jimm .. i feel somewhat sorry for both of you..

 

Firstly i sympathise with her..this woman is trying to talk to you about something thats obviously very important to her (and clearly from your OP not important to you)..yet all you can do is fuss about the food cooking and the table not being set!???

Any wonder she doesn't find you a turn on anymore.. do you have the tea towel slung over your shoulder as well Felix?

 

I like you!

My wife and I have grown apart and do not see things the same anymore. She is ignorant, selfish, careless etc.

 

I cannot leave since it is abondonment.....she will not leave, what should we do?

Aaahhhh, now I get it. You're dissatisfied with the whole marriage, not just the chore division. I believe all your disagreements come from the fact that you two are very different personalities. I am pretty sure that you both suffer and are stuck with each other. I am also sure that your marriage feels like prison, more than a love island. Your wife is a dreamer and you're too practical for her. Neither is bad. But you're not right for each other.

 

There is nothing wrong with divorce, if you really want to leave. Just be fair after the divorce.

 

By the way, why did the counselor tell you to do MORE around the house? How did you come to that part? It's very important.