He did it again!!!! can i ever trust him again?

[hopelesslyinlove07]

This was my first post: am i being the typical jealous girlfriend?

about two weeks ago i found out that my boyfriend (of 3 years) has been "friends" with his ex girlfriend (of four months) for the past fve plus months.

 

he says that they are just friends but i cant help but think that if something didn't happen, it would have happened. i saw his phone bill, he was messaging this girl more than he messages me. he has been to the pub with her on numerous occassions and has also be to her house.

 

he says he didn't tell me because he knew i wouldn't like it because i dont like her. when this happened we have a huge chat and bascially i said that at this stage i couldn't handle their friendship and that i think they should back off from one another so we can work on our relationship.

 

he was very resistant to this but he did promise me that he would be honest with me and not go behind my back and to not see her for awhile.

 

well sunday just gone, i found out that he organised for her and him to go out for lunch. he says that he was going to tell her that they needed to cool things off for awhile, but he also told me he didn't do that.

 

i dont trust this girl. she told him she has a boyfriend, but i found out other wise. she knew that i didn't like her and that i didn't know he was going behind my back to see her.

 

i'm really upset, he has really hurt me, but he still cant understand why i dont like their friendship.

 

please help, am i being too over protective

 

i would love to hear opinions from both males and females

 

thanks, sorry its soo long

 

He did it to me again. He told me that he wouldn't lie to me anymore or be friends with her, but he still is.

 

I'm totally lost, i dont know what to do. I'm so up and down. One minute i'm in tears cos i'm so hurt and the next minute i think everything will be ok.

 

he says to me, now that i'm not going to leave him, he can be honest but will he be?? and how do i trust him?

 

why should i be the one to compromise. why cant he give her up?? for me, i've been with him for 3 years, doesn't that mean something?

 

he just acts like everything is fine and that we are fine, but we are not, we are far from it.

[Guest]

Fallacies of Jealousy

Jealous individuals are constantly on the lookout for some indiscretion by their partner. They compulsively check up on their partner, even when there is no objective data to suggest another lover is in the picture. Jealous individuals live a life of secrecy themselves. They frequently invade the other’s privacy, checking in purses, coat or pants pockets, computer files, etc. This sneaky behavior is justified by their suspicion that their partner could be interested in another person.

 

After all, they reason, don’t they have a right to protect themselves from possible shame and humiliation of being made a fool of by their partner! When such irrational reasoning is out of proportion to reality, the individual’s ability to trust another human being is highly impaired. Their fantasies of possible betrayal are more about their own life insecurities than about the trustworthiness of their partner.

 

Fear of Loss

It is not uncommon for the jealous individual to actually create the very thing s/he fears the most: loss of a loved one. As trust erodes over time due to the jealous person’s constant questioning of their partner’s motives, actions, and intentions, the partner may initially respond with reassurance. Reassurance, after all, seems like the natural way to respond to an upset partner. But, when jealousy is compulsive and out of control, reassurance only works for a short while. Eventually, the partner realizes that reassurance never solves the problem.

 

Regardless of their past behavior, they will always be “under suspicion.” Hence, sometimes the partner will begin to move psychologically further and further away from their jealous partner, since it doesn’t feel good to be seen in such a negative light by our loved one. In effect, the suspicious partner pushes the loved one away by holding onto them too tight and with such a negative accusation. This can led to a self-fulfilling prophecy, in which the very thing that is feared, is actually caused: the loved one leaves.

 

Control issues become excessive as the fearful partner attempts to avoid possible loss. As this occurs, a balance of power becomes lopsided in the relationship. Love only works between two people of equal power, contributing and receiving roughly equivalent benefits from the relationships. We cannot complete our loved one’s missing pieces of self. A wonderful, elegant, and simple book by Shel Silverstein, The Missing Piece, provides a powerful, visual portrayal of how people inappropriately attempt to complete each other. It can be read in about fifteen minutes. It is a wonderful reminder of a truth about relationships

[Spoonandfork22]

ohHHH this is my story as well!! im looking for the same advice although my bf isnt doing NEAR with yours is....i know how hard it is to trust...it has become an obsession for me. Do you feel like your entire relationship may have been a lie? because thats how i feel. I am near the end of my rope w. my bf. i figure if he cant let the past go, theres no point in us being together b.c. he obviously needs her in his life for some reason or another. however, a part of me also says that nothing is really going on and i should accept the friendship and trust him, although that is hard when he kept it from me for THE SAME REASON your bf did. makes me wonder if all men think alike. that is where i am stuck right now. is there really nothing going on, because if there isnt, wnhy are you lying about it? yes i dont like it, but dishonesty is WORSE THEN THE TRUTH.

 

i hope you and i can stay in touch with this topic, its so very very very similar i think we both deserve to learn a lot.

[norajane]

Are you saying that he dated her for 4 months, broke up with her, started dating you, and they had no contact for the last 3 years that you and bf have been together...except, that in the last 5 months, they've been spending a LOT of time together and he's lied to you about it a few times?

 

If that's the case, it sounds like one or both of them is rekindling the old flame. Since he's lying to you about it, he really can't be trusted. I think you have to break up with him, because you will only be worried and untrusting and checking up on him all the time otherwise. That's no way to have a relationship, not a good one.

 

I think they have unfinished business...as long as she's in his life and making him feel admired and attractive and whatever, his ego is going to keep going back for more.

 

Either he cuts all ties with her - maybe on the phone while you are there, not another secret visit! - or break up with him. And if he does cut ties with her, keep an eye and ear out to find out if he is sneaking around again. If he is, forget it. No more chances.

[quankanne]

sounds like a severe case of divided loyalties. And he needs to decide what camp he's in, pronto.

 

if he refuses to decide, then you must make that decision for him: Either it's both of you in the picture and you learn to live with it, or you cut him out of your life. Frankly, you're probably better off with out him if he finds it easy to lie and hedge about his relationship with her ... my guess is that he keeping your relatinship as a back up while he explores what is going on with her.

 

sorry to sound so hurtful, that's really not my intention, but to help you decide for yourself what YOU are willing to put up with.

 

best of luck to you,

q

[Krytellan]

I once again have to ask the question:

 

How many times must we be disrespected before we decide to make the right decision for ourselves?

 

If you want more pain, I'm sure he has plenty to give you. If you stick around, he will continue to disrespect you. Sounds fun huh?

[hopelesslyinlove07]

Hi spoonandfork22

 

i'm sorry to hear that you are also in the same situation. no one should ever have to feel the way we do.

 

its not fair, i've put so much effort into this relationship and he just acts like everythings fine and he has done nothing wrong. i dont think he truely understands how much he has hurt me.

 

i'm so up an down, i love him with all my heart but he has hurt me so badly. sometimes i feel like i should just leave him, just to make a point, because nothing else seems to get through to him.

 

what is your partner doing???

 

i always try to turn it around on him, but he says that he wouldn't care, but i think he just says this because he knows how he would really feel and he would definately care.

 

keep in touch

[Trialbyfire]

Guys rarely lie that much to just be with friends unless you're an overwhelming control freak. Sorry but I also think he's trying to decide therefore leaving both doors open.

[Spoonandfork22]

hey to the original poster, i broke up with my bf last night. it was terrible but i cannot trust him and i refuse to be wtih someone i cant trust. im broken hearted but i cant let this keep going on. it hurts too bad.

 

i wish you luck with the choice that you make.

[LakesideDream]

Your BF's a "Cake Eater". I suggest you put him on a low calorie diet, better yet take yourself off the menu completely and find someone interested in you to the exclusion of other women.

[hopelesslyinlove07]

i'm so torn.

 

i want to believe him, he says that he hasn't heard from her again and that if he does hear from her, he will be honest with me. But i just dont know if he's really telling the truth.

 

I want to be with this guy for the rest of my life but i dont want to be stuck in a three wheel relationship. i dont want to live the rest of my life wondering if he's still friends with her, or that i was his second choice or his back up plan.

 

this girl told me that she is apparently moving to another state, i really hope she is, i think once she is finally out of the picture, we will be able to move forward, but who knows it she is acutally going.

[Trialbyfire]

Okay, time to consider the possibilities:

 

1) She moves away and they continue their relationship through cyberspace and the odd visit. If anything fantasy can make it worse than before.

2) She stays and you continue with your doubts, always wondering.

3) She moves away and it goes away.

 

Time to consider which scenarios are more likely and then decide what will work for you.

 

He's lied to you to retain a relationship with her, perhaps not a full-blown one yet but one none-the-less.

[Spoonandfork22]

me again.

 

i was just wondering how you have been, and what you have decided to do. my boyfriend and i had a SERIOUS heart to heart after no contact for a few days. things are better now, although the trust will def. be earned for AWHILE. ive also decided to be friends again w. this girl. we were all friends once, and i believe to truly get over this and get over the entire situation and move on, i need to be OK with all parties involved. i gave him another chance, i have to be able to let her off the hook as well. its part of the rebuilding process i suppose. im def. not where i was with him, im still skeptical and get scared at times if i dont hear from him, but i knew this would be a process and i know theres a long road ahead. we will see how it all pans out.

 

hope all is well with you.

[Island Girl]

sounds like a severe case of divided loyalties. And he needs to decide what camp he's in, pronto.

 

if he refuses to decide, then you must make that decision for him:

 

I wouldn't hang on to someone who obviously doesn't value me enough.

 

If he is going to lie about hanging out with some girl - knowing I could find out - then go hang with that girl permanently.

 

I don't need you.

 

Maybe because I have that attitude is why it hasn't ever happened to me -?

 

How many times must we be disrespected before we decide to make the right decision for ourselves?

 

Exactly. If you allow someone to disrespect you and go back for more - are you really surprised when you get more of the same?

 

The contact may have ended if when you found out the first time you said I'm not putting up with it and walked.

 

If he came back apologizing, and you'd wanted to try again, you should have made him jump through hoops for a while before you got comfortable or allowed him to.

 

As it is, it happened again.

 

*sigh*

 

i want to believe him, he says that he hasn't heard from her again and that if he does hear from her, he will be honest with me. But i just dont know if he's really telling the truth.

 

Well of course you can BELIEVE Him!

 

He never has given you a reason not to trust him or believe him.

 

Oh yeah. He has. Not just once. But twice. That you KNOW of.

 

Fool me once - shame on you.

 

Fool me twice - shame on me.

 

Fool me three times - when am I going to learn?

 

Sorry but you are dealing with a snake. He has lied to you about another woman. I could care less about the context of the relationship.

 

You made it too easy for him to do it again. You are choosing to stay.

 

You can't be surprised when it happens again.

 

And by the way, I wouldn't be saying you want to live the rest of your life with this guy - he has not proven himself worthy of that statement.

 

You need to evaluate the way he has treated you and how little he has valued your relationship. You really want THAT forever?

 

I hope you think more of yourself that THAT?!

[norajane]

I know you can't possibly want to live with doubts and questions and wondering. I know you want a boyfriend who is all about you, and no one else but you.

 

If you bf isn't making your life better, then what's the point? If your bf is adding all this stress and anxiety and doubt, then what's the point?

[hopelesslyinlove07]

Hi,

 

Thanks for inquring as to how i am. Last week i would have said that things are getting better, because this time i truly believed that he would be honest with me but last night i found out again that he has not been honest with me at all.

 

the friendship continues....

 

i cant believe i trusted him, again!!!!!! he said to me, i dont have any reason to hide it anymore,of corse i'll tell you. but the other day when i asked if i could see his bill, he refused and said i wasn't my buisness and i knew.

 

last night he accidently left his phone at home (which he never does) while he went to the shop quickly. so i looked and fair enough, there was her number planted all over his phone bill.

 

this time he has really broken me and my heart. he has no idea, he doesn't think that i should be upset because they are just friends, but i tell him, how can i trust what he says when he has been lying to me for the past 7 months.

 

this ****ing bitch wont go away. she told me she was going to move to another state but actually i found out that she is moving around the CORNER from our new house we just bought.

 

i have no idea what to do. one minute i'm so angry i just want to pack up all my stuff and leave him, and the next minute i just want to go see that b**tch and tell her to stay the f**k out of our lives. But if i leave i feel like that girl would have won and i can gaurentee that once i'm out of the picture she will make her move, but he cant see that.

 

however, i feel like if i stay i'm rewarding his behaviour and he is just going to continue to do this to me

 

he's suggestion is, is that i just get over it and that we can be all friends.

 

please, someone help me, i need some really good advice

[whichwayisup]

This woman is too close to him. Too much in his daily life to be 'just' a friend. Maybe nothing is going on physically, but emotionally they are attached. She has no respect for your relationship with him - Seems like she has no boundries, ... But then again, neither does he.

 

You might want to re-think about moving with him. And her moving so close to where you two are going to be living is just weird...And probably planned on her behalf.

 

You need to take control here and tell him it's her or you. If he says he still wants her in his life, then I am sorry to say this, end it with him. If she makes a move on him and he lets her, then whatever it is that is going on between them never went away.........

 

I am sorry that he's hurting you! What an a-hole.

 

Also, there is NO way all of you could be friends, not when she is waiting in the wings, waiting to jump in for the kill.

[hopelesslyinlove07]

thankyou for your honesty

 

its sooo hard. how do you just end a three year relationship like that. i wanted to marry this man.

 

i've asked him to choose before and he said he would stop the friendship with her and then he took her out for lunch.

 

i'm not strong enough to leave him, i cant make threats anymore because i never come through with them

 

if i leave him that means she wins, she gets her prize

 

i'm stuck,

[Island Girl]

if i leave him that means she wins, she gets her prize

 

 

OK - REALLY think about this statement.

 

She gets her PRIZE???!!

 

Yep - what a prize indeed. A lying sneaky slime-ball who IS entertaining the idea of keeping her in his life rather than you like it or not.

 

If he saw you as someone who he definitely wanted to be committed to, who was who he wanted, he wouldn't need her in his life at all.

 

The problems she has already caused would be reason enough to push her out of his life,

 

But he's not.

 

As upset as you are he should be concerned about your happiness.

 

He's not.

 

He is selfish and is not concerned about you.

 

As upset as he may seem when he is saying how sorry he is and he won't lie anymore but that emotion was REAL he would have:

 

1. Stood by you originally and told the truth in the first place.

 

2. When he was caught and he said he'd be honest and you forgave him, he'd have stood by it.

 

So here you are giving him chance after chance - read number 1 and 2 again because, since you aren't letting him go, it looks like your future is more of the same.

 

For whatever reason you think he is worth your self-esteem (you are doing damage to your self value because you are allowing him to do this to you again and again) and your self respect.

 

SHE is not the problem.

 

As much as you may like to think she is --- SHE doesn't have a relationship with you. HE does.

 

If he were not allowing her to be close, she wouldn't be.

 

Sadly, if you went to her and told her to leave him alone, all she'd have to say is, "he is the one, calling, responding and talking to me -- talk to him not me". And she'd be right.

 

She is a B!TCH. But he is the one who is betraying you OFTEN and right to your face.

 

Oh yeah. If she gets to be with him -- she gets a PRIZE.

[norajane]

thankyou for your honesty

 

its sooo hard. how do you just end a three year relationship like that. i wanted to marry this man.

 

i've asked him to choose before and he said he would stop the friendship with her and then he took her out for lunch.

 

i'm not strong enough to leave him, i cant make threats anymore because i never come through with them

 

if i leave him that means she wins, she gets her prize

 

i'm stuck,

 

You're not ending it just like that. You've given him chance after chance after chance to respect you and your feelings, to be honest, to do the right thing. And he's blown every chance you've given him, and he's deceived you about it, too.

 

He will keep deceiving you for as long as you let him by staying with him. This woman isn't going away, and he's not telling her to. You don't need to make any more threats - he's already made his choice, and that choice was to maintain his relationship with her at the expense of your relationship.

 

Leave him and let him stew in his own stupidity for the rest of his life. Just because he might turn to her after you are gone, doesn't mean he's going to be happy. Do you really think a man like him can ever find happiness and contentment? He will never find that as long as he believes deception for the sake of his own selfish desires is accetable and right.

 

Get out now before you waste more time on this LOSER.