random tears Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 Hi!! Its been a loooong time since I have been here, I have been more or less stuffing my issues down my throat. So, Is this fair or not? BF is going out of the country for a week, to visit relatives. I couldnt join because I cant take the time off. In my opinion, I am somewhat happy as it is a well needed break because we arent exactly eye to eye as of late and argue alot, with trust issues as well (he lies alot). While he is out of the country, my brother and his girlfirend have invited me to spend the weekend with them, and we were thinking of going to the next town over to hang out and have some fun together. This is where things get sticky. My brother and BF HATE EACH OTHER. They havent seen each other in two years, since the last terrible feud. My BF doesnt want me around my brother because he engages in the use of herbal delights, and doesnt want me to go there and be around my brother when he does this. He told me that I cant spend the weekend with them because of this, and because he doesnt want me on the streets while he is in another place. Also, he is worried what the neighbors and family of his will think (alot of his family lives on our street) when they dont see me for the weekend. He thinks that they will think bad of me, and think to themselves that I am up to no good, and that the minute my BF left, I am out on the streets doing god knows what. I argued that he could just tell them that I am with my brother but still he refuses. (to be fair, his relatives have never seen my brother and he is never talked about. EVER) To him, this is a closed subject and he basically told me that I am not to go over his house at all while he is away. Of course I am crushed. I dont get out much, and would love to spend some time with my brother and his girlfriend and have some fun. For the record, I dont use herbs. The most I do is drink occasionally. Please tell me what you think, and what you would do in this circumstance. How can I make the best descision that will benefit us all? Your advice is GREATLY NEEDED AND APPRECIATED. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 your bf has no right to tell you what you can and can't do. he cannot stop you from seeing your own family, that just isnt fair. i notice his own family takes first importance here too. also what does it matter what the neighbours think? Link to post Share on other sites
Audero Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 Your bf is a control freak. You are entitled to go where you want, when you want, and with whomever you want. Someone posted this elsewhere. You might want to read it. http://www.drjoecarver.com/articles_loser.html Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted February 20, 2007 Author Share Posted February 20, 2007 also what does it matter what the neighbours think? In my opinion, not a bloody thing. But in his opinion, it truly matters. He doesnt want people to think bad about me, as if I purposefully waited until he left so I could run the streets with god knows who. The people around us are awful gossipers. I could care less what kind of crap my reputation goes through, but I do care about what others think about him. I dont want him hurt by my actions (even though they are purely innocent) but I still want to have fun and relax without being so serious for once. It is a well needed and well deserved break. I was anticipating it so much, that I had to discuss it with him, only to watch my excitement and anticipation wither away before my very eyes. To be honest, and I know this is very childish, when he told me he doesnt want me going there, I had this huge lump in my throat and I wanted to cry. It just seemed so injust. How do I respect my BF and his wishes, and still get to do what I want to do without lying to him? Please continue with the advice. I only have 2 days to figure this mess out before he leaves. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted February 20, 2007 Author Share Posted February 20, 2007 Your bf is a control freak. You are entitled to go where you want, when you want, and with whomever you want I think the reason he is trying to control this is because my brother smokes weed, and he doesnt want me around it. I think he is worried that my brother wont have my best interests at heart, wont protect me or look after me to make sure nothing bad happens, and will try to push drugs on me, or hook me up with another guy friend of his, as they hate each other. I know that I am entitled, but at the same time, I want to respect his wishes.....But why does his wishes always involve me staying home and staring at the walls? It might just be my opinion, but thats how I feel. So, is it wrong of my BF to control this when the people I will be around arent necessarily role models of the year? Link to post Share on other sites
Audero Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 I think the reason he is trying to control this is because my brother smokes weed, and he doesnt want me around it. I think he is worried that my brother wont have my best interests at heart, wont protect me or look after me to make sure nothing bad happens, and will try to push drugs on me, or hook me up with another guy friend of his, as they hate each other. He doesn't trust you to not do drugs, take care of yourself, or NOT "hook up" with anyone? I know that I am entitled, but at the same time, I want to respect his wishes.....But why does his wishes always involve me staying home and staring at the walls? It might just be my opinion, but thats how I feel. Because he is controlling you. Isolating you, to gain that control. So, is it wrong of my BF to control this when the people I will be around arent necessarily role models of the year? Yes. You are an adult, and capable of making your own decisions. No one else has the right to control you. Ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted February 20, 2007 Author Share Posted February 20, 2007 Because he is controlling you. Isolating you, to gain that control. But is he controlling me or just being way too overprotective? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 Dump the boyfriend. He has some control issues and also, you say he lies to you so trust is an issue. Your brother IS your brother for life! Your boyfriend unfortunately isn't. Not sure how old you are, or how long you two have been together, but if isn't willing to LET you live, see your bro etc., imagine what life will be like 10 years from now. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 He doesnt want people to think bad about me Read between the lines on that one. Your bf is worried what people will say and think of HIM because of you. For selfish and controlling reasons, he is acting like your father. Telling you what to do, where to go, who to see... WTF. He doesn't respect you at all, he doesn't trust you at all either. I mean, does he think if you have some fun without him, with your bro or whoever - You're gonna turn into a prositute, do drugs and embarress him? That is CRAZY. He has some serious issues.......WHich is why you are feeling the way you are. You've done nothing wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Audero Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 But is he controlling me or just being way too overprotective? A fine line there. Tell me something, doesn't it bother you that he thinks you can't be allowed out of the house with your brother, because he doesn't trust you to not do drugs, stay out of trouble, and NOT go hook up with another guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 i agree with the other posters. he doesnt trust you and he wants to control you. youre an adult not a child, and this should be an equal relationship. i can't believe he doesn't let you out of the house. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 He has no right to tell you how to spend your time. This is your BROTHER. Don't give up your relationship with him for the sake of this jerk. And he really doesn't care what the neighbours think (I mean c'mon, because you aren't at your home for 2 days they automatically think you are out sleeping around and getting trashed? Um no). He just wants to know you are at home under his control even when he is away. The fact that he has no trust in your relationship or your ability to think for yourself is no matter because he is an idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 Tell me something, doesn't it bother you that he thinks you can't be allowed out of the house with your brother, because he doesn't trust you to not do drugs, stay out of trouble, and NOT go hook up with another guy? I dont think its me he doesnt trust, necessarily, I think that its the other men and being within close proximity to all of the other extra curricular activities, such as drugs, booze, and a brother who would LOVE to see us split apart and do whatever he could to make it so that makes him nervous as hell. And he really doesn't care what the neighbours think (I mean c'mon, because you aren't at your home for 2 days they automatically think you are out sleeping around and getting trashed? Um no). He just wants to know you are at home under his control even when he is away. I am sure that part of it is that he will have peace of mind knowing I am at home while he is away, but you have to understand these gossipy people. They WILL think trashy about me, they are nosy, they are his family. And they WILL talk. Guaranteed. Link to post Share on other sites
Audero Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 I dont think its me he doesnt trust, necessarily, I think that its the other men and being within close proximity to all of the other extra curricular activities, such as drugs, booze, and a brother who would LOVE to see us split apart and do whatever he could to make it so that makes him nervous as hell. So...he doesn't trust you. Can you not see that? If he did, he wouldn't think a thing about it, because he would believe you weren't going to be with other men, do drugs, booze, etc. No one can force you to do any of that. It would be your choice. Therefor, it IS a lack of trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 Audero, perhaps you are right. I was using the angle that maybe he was untrusting of other men, as he gave me a scenario of "what happens if you are at a bar with your brother, get drunk, go outside and some guy takes advantage of you"? To be fair, he does have plenty of reasons to be mistrustful of my brother. Theirs is a history that rivals spy vs. spy, my brother has done and let alot of hurtful things happen to me, putting me in unsafe situations, etc. Thats not to say that I cant take care of myself, but when I do, and still something happens, it makes you think twice. My relationship with my brother has been rocky as well, wasnt in my life for very long...its a long story. Anyhow, to get to the bottom of this dilemma, would lying be really wrong in this situation? I am pressed for time, my BF is stressed, and I dont want to add to it. Would it be wrong if I just told him that I was going to stay home but instead went to hang out for a while with my brother? I dont like lying at all, but how do we all get what we want? And no, I cant break up with him right at this instant. Well, I can..but I am not going to. There are too many other things going on, and he is leaving in less than a day. Link to post Share on other sites
Audero Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 IMO, if you have to lie, you either shouldn't be doing it, or shouldn't be in the relationship. Keep in mind, I am not judging you. I have made some really stupid choices in my own life, screwed up more times than I care to think of, and yes...lied to "keep peace". None of us are perfect, we learn as we go. The thing is, from your OP, there are all kinds of red flags going up, that point to the fact your bf is controlling. (I've had plenty of ex. with men like that) And in your following posts, you are making excuses for why it's okay for him to do it. "He loves me, is protective of me," etc. (I used to tell myself the same thing) The thing is, one day, hopefully you will see that his behavior is not about love, it is about controlling you. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Again, another example of someone posting for advice but refusing to see the point of view other than their own. It is very clear this bf has very serious possession issues. The bottom line is whether or not you want to spend your life "owned". Proceed accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
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