We're very close friends but is that all it is?

[Guest]

This is a long story so bear with me....

 

Over the last few months I've become very close friends with a girl who goes in the same bar as I do at weekends. I'd actually noticed her much longer ago and although we occasionally smiled at each other it's only since around October/November last year that we got talking to each other and started to develop a very close friendship.

 

At this point I should mention that she had a boyfriend that she'd been with for the last couple of years. As our friendship grew she started to confide in me about some of the problems they'd been having recently. It turned out he'd cheated on her a couple of times previously but on both occasions she'd forgiven him and stayed with him. One thing that she said at the time was that she would never cheat on him as in her eyes that would make her as bad as he was. I respected that attitude completely and fully understood why she felt that way.

 

Another thing I found out about her boyfriend was that during a recent argument he'd grabbed her by the arms so hard that she wound up going into work the next day with a massive bruise on her arm. She hadn't told me about this but one night one of her co-workers were in the bar and she let it slip about him hurting her. Needless to say I was furious when I learnt this and she told me that she hadn't told me about it because she knew how I'd react. She also said he'd only done it the once - my attitude was "once is more than enough". That was the point when I managed to lose any respect I previously had for her boyfriend. I'd met him a few times previously and got on ok with him - he seemed like a nice enough guy until I heard that news... It also turned out that a few of the people she worked with had already said to her she's be better off without him but she wouldn't listen.

 

The one thing causing a problem for me was that as our friendship was growing I was also starting to develop strong feelings for her. We're able to talk to each other about absolutely anything, we hug and kiss all the time and we have such a great time when we're out together. Both her and I have even had friends suspecting that there's something going on between us and still don't believe us when we say there isn't - we're just that close to each other. Her boyfriend has also asked her if there's been anything going on between us.

 

Another development with her boyfriend is that a few weeks ago he lost his job after he'd failed up turn up a few times in succession he hasn't been coming out at weekends. She's still been coming out to see me and her other friends. Since I live within walking distance of the bar and she lives a reasonable taxi ride away she's come back to my house a few times at the end of the night and spent the night sleeping over on my sofa. Still nothing going on between us, just me letting a friend crash over after a night out. Needless to say her staying over at mine a few times hasn't exactly put her boyfriend's mind at ease.

 

So it's carried on like this in this strangely close but not together sort of way. We'd already talked about people thinking we had something together. I even joked that "If everyone else seems to thinks there's something going on between us then maybe there should be otherwise we'll miss out on all the fun". Ahhh sometimes many a truth is said in jest...

 

A couple of weeks ago we were out together again and on the walk back to my house she suddenly said "I am attracted to you and like you a lot but I'm still with my boyfriend". I told her that I liked her a lot too and she just smiled and said "I knew that".

 

Fast forward to this weekend just gone and when I met up with her on the Friday she told me that she had left her boyfriend and was now staying over at her sisters. It turns out he'd been cheating on her again and this time she'd decided enough was enough. She was upset that night as it had all come as a shock to her to discover he'd been cheating again but she said she knew it was the right thing to split with him and we spent a lot of time talking and in the end had a good night out together.

 

That night was another one of the night's where she'd asked if she could stay over and I'd said yes of course. We'd both had a few drinks that night and ended up having a bit of a hug and cuddle on the sofa which did get a lot more intimate than we'd ever been before until we ended up falling asleep right there holding each other.

 

On Saturday morning when she left she gave me a kiss and said she'd see me that night. When it got to the night I did see her in the bar and talked briefly but she seemed to be avoiding me. Just a brief hello, a quick hug and she went off sitting with some of her friends across the bar rather than hanging around with me as she usually would. I kinda guessed she was feeling awkward about the night before but she asked me if I was annoyed with her over some trivial thing the weekend before like her turning up a little later than she said she would.

 

Sometimes she has to work Sunday nights but finishes in enough time for us to meet up. So on Sunday night I sent her a text to see if she was working and if so felt like meeting up later. I was going a little crazy after things being awkward on Saturday night so I wanted to meet up and make sure we were still ok. She didn't reply and after a couple of hours I got paranoid and sent her another asking pretty bluntly if we'd ruined our friendship the other night. This time she replied right away saying no we were still best friends and she'd see me this coming weekend.

 

So tonight I was planning on having a quiet night in when suddenly my phone rings. She was working tonight and wanted to meet up with me after she'd finished. So I went and met her and we were straight back to the friendship as it had been up until the weekend. We talked a little about the weekend and she admitted that she had been avoiding me on Saturday night as she needs time to get over her boyfriend and things had got a little too close on Friday night. She also said that she knew I wanted more than friendship but it's going to be a while before she's ready for anybody else.

 

So that's where we're up to right now. She's finally got rid of the boyfriend but is still hurting over it right now. I know how I feel about her and although I do value the friendship we've developed I do want more than that with her. I just don't know if we're destined to remain in this close friendship zone or whether something more will start to develop as she starts to get over her boyfriend. I know I can't do the friendship thing forever knowing I want more but at the same time she does need to to be a friend right now.

[Yamaha]

You need to tell her that you will give her space now as it is in your interest to cool your feelings but you will not wait forever. If you continue to get the friends vibe from her then you have to make a decision if it is enough for you.

[brokenhart2007]

I think space would be good for both of you. She needs time to get over that guy, and you need time away because you know you can't get closer to her right now. Let her know you are there for her and just a phone call away if she needs a friend through her difficult time, but hanging out with her at the bar and staying at your place..those things would be better off left alone for a while. If she wants to get closer to you, it should be because it's YOU not because she is sad or lonely; it sounds like she knows that already. She sounds honest and sounds like she is good at expressing her feelings, so you should keep going by things she tells you. If at one point she wants you two to give it a shot, I think she will flat out tell you. But don't wait around for it too long...as it might not happen..in the mean time, try to take interest in other woman as friends for now.

[Guest]

Just a quick update on this. Although I did listen to the advice you two gave me and agreed with what you were saying I still ended up seeing her last weekend. The problem is that where I live is a pretty small town and it's hard to go out anywhere with my friends at weekends without bumping into her! I even usually arrange to meet up with her we just go to the same places.

 

Anyway, last Friday night things really blew up between us and we got into a very heated argument. On Saturday I felt bad about it and reacted by going out drinking way more than I usually would. Not a good idea I know...

 

Later on Saturday night she turns up. We're fine for a bit but then one of her friends mentions the argument on Friday and it starts over again. At the end of the night she's going home in tears and I can't sleep. At some mad hour in the middle of the night I text her saying I can't do this any more, we're both getting hurt and I think the best thing is for us to stop hanging around together and say goodbye.

 

So that was the attitude I was going to adopt until last nigt I'm out with friends and guess who is in there? I was fully prepared to keep my distance to avoid any more arguments but she comes over to me, hugs and kisses me, we make up and we're best of friends again. So it was another fun night together, back to mine for pizza and her staying over on my sofa again!

 

So despite trying to keep my distance and give us both space, albeit after an argument that should never have happened, she still comes back to me and wants to keep the friendship going. I'm just going to try hard to keep it on a friendship basis and not pursue anything more although deep down I know I do want more. I still have a suspicion that she's interested too but right now she needs me to be a friend so that's what I'll be. Maybe one day who knows but I'm not going to wait forever for something that might never happen.