How to handle marital separation

[aagoodwin]

My husband of 5 years and I separated on 10/28/02. We had an argument that weekend, but nothing out of the ordinary or explosive. We decided to talk about it on 10/28, and I thought it was just to clear the air and go about our business. However, he dropped the bomb on me that he wanted to separate. We've talked some since then, but getting him to talk is hard. I've been trying to clear the air by admitting that I made mistakes in how I have handled our conflict, and that I want to save our marriage. He is basically not giving me any options for reconciliation. I don't think he necessarily wants a divorce, but he doesn't want to work things out either. How long do I try, and what should I try, before I walk away. It hasn't even been 2 weeks and I know that some couples separate for months and get back together, but I am quickly losing hope. I don't blame my husband for our arguments and I've tried accepting his feelings, but he's not accepting of mine. Any advice on how to get him to be more open-minded about another try?

[Tony T]

Usually under these circumstances, a person has tried every way possible to effect a change in the behavior of the other person and nothing has worked. He now does not trust that you can make any meaningful change.

 

Furthermore, it will piss him off even more if you keep suggesting the two of you work on getting back together. I'm quite sure this has happened many times in one form or another and he is at wits end.

 

The very best thing you can do is back off big time, be kind but don't have a lot of communication with him, and let him do his thinking. If you show him you are willing to be calm and mature, he might just come around.

 

Human beings tend to resist and resent grovelling. You just want to work on making yourself a better person and stay out of his way.

 

I do hope this comes back together for you and that you can effect permanent change that will ensure the success of your marriage. If you don't, there is no possibility for reconciliation.

 

Have patience. It may take him a while to see that you have changed in important ways...that is, IF you are willing to do so.

 

In the future, if you value a relationship, try not to let it get to this point. It seems human nature is to take the people we love for granted. What mama doesn't tell us sometimes is that when we do that, the person we love will hit the road.

[butterflyz]

it doesn't matter anymore what you want. to him, what only matters is what he wants. since he was taken for granted, he's going to go on a little selfish spree. the only emotions, needs and wants that matter now, are his. your feelings are irrelevant.

 

try and present it like tony says, but why not give it a time frame where you'll "check back" and see what you both want. give it a month and make plans to reconnect and discuss how you both feel. if you two are on still on different channels, you'll need to come up with an action plan (i.e., divorce).

 

I get really angry when my needs and words are ignored during the course of a relationship, and then, when i leave, they become so important. if you can't take me seriously during the course of the relationship, it doesn't matter what you do to try and get me back. once my heart turns to ice, that's it. ballsy men with big egos have tried to get me back. i lose interest when i'm disrespected and then, i'm done. i can't will my heart to feel what it once felt. it's an automatic process.

 

if he doesn't want to reconcile, then you need to accept it. hopefully the next person you get involved with won't be taken for granted.

[Ally Boo]

You can't do anything about him not wanting to work things out. Even if by some mericle you DID get him to go to marriage counseling or something, if he doesn't want to work and to change, then it will never work out. That's what happened with me and my husband.

 

All you can do is work on yourself. And bc I've been there. I would HIGHLY recommend you find a professional to talk to...a good one. This will effect you for a long time. And if you don't deal with it now, it will be much harder in the future.