boshemia Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 My husband and I have been separated for ten months now. He has worked very hard on himself as well, dealing with the legal problems over his anger issues, counseling, quitting drinking... I'm not ready to get back together, sometimes I'm not sure I ever will be. Right now I am comfortable just being friends and now and then sex comes into the picture but there are a lot of trust issues going on, my past with him, and my past in general. I've begged him for a divorce on many ocassions, and many times I've just wanted to end it altogether but he refuses to give up on it and finds his way back in again. He is working hard, and has made a lot of changes, but the trust levels are very low. The strange thing is I have been involved in a relationship of sorts for the past few months. I'm not one to put faith in people I meet online, but someone I have been friends with for many years online has really been there for me. We talk on the phone a few times a week, we meet online almost every night. I look forward to the time we spend together. The whole relationship confuses me because in many ways it is exactly what I have dreamed of having for years. We are friends, we laugh, we have fun together... ther's no pressure, no judgement just... a solid friendship. I can say anything to him and he can do the same with me. While it is sometimes very sweet, the possibility of anything further just isn't there. He's young, still in college and I'm already raising teenagers. There are 14 years between us, and at this stange of life that's a whole world of difference. He treats me with a respect and an honesty I've never known, and I can just be myself. Our love for each other is unconditional, it just is, we just are... and that's so amazing. The first two years with my husband I really believed that a relationship like that was possible long term, but then he started in with the drinking and the violence, my needs were left unmet unless I met them myself. He apologizes and asks for what would now be a third chance and I see the changes in him and think it is possible, but I just can't go back to that prison. My counselor says he feels I have issues with intimacy, and I can't really argue with him there. I'm tired of being bullied, ignored, and trapped. I don't really understand what I am supposed to do about intimacy issues, I don't know what I want out of future relationships, or how to go about making that happen... All I know is when I really think about it, I want what I have with my friend in real life. A relationship based on trust, honesty, security, respect. Maybe I do have intimacy issues and even the best relationship will turn to **** in my hands. Part of me feels like my husband has earned another chance, but at the same time I have this fantasy relationship in my head that feels so good. how can I ever risk going back to the hell I was in knowing that a relationship like this might actually be possible, could actually be real? HELP? Link to post Share on other sites
Author boshemia Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 never mind... Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Can you narrow down what your question is a little bit? I think people aren't answering because your post covers so many different issues. Also, can you break your writing into smaller paragraphs? Link to post Share on other sites
Author boshemia Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 It's okay I am just as confused as you are : ) I have a lot on my mind and even though I tried to present it all in an understandable manner there is just too much to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Raleuse Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 The whole relationship confuses me because in many ways it is exactly what I have dreamed of having for years. We are friends, we laugh, we have fun together... ther's no pressure, no judgement just... a solid friendship. I can say anything to him and he can do the same with me. ... While it is sometimes very sweet, the possibility of anything further just isn't there. He's young, still in college and I'm already raising teenagers. There are 14 years between us, and at this stange of life that's a whole world of difference. He treats me with a respect and an honesty I've never known, and I can just be myself. Our love for each other is unconditional, it just is, we just are... and that's so amazing. ... My counselor says he feels I have issues with intimacy, and I can't really argue with him there. I'm tired of being bullied, ignored, and trapped. I don't really understand what I am supposed to do about intimacy issues, I don't know what I want out of future relationships, or how to go about making that happen... ... All I know is when I really think about it, I want what I have with my friend in real life. A relationship based on trust, honesty, security, respect. Maybe I do have intimacy issues and even the best relationship will turn to **** in my hands. I'll give you the advice I was once given: you need to resolve your issues BEFORE you enter any kind of relationship. Especially if this relationship is with someone so young (and I'm guessing he's at least 18, so it's legal) as he has enough on his plate with entering adulthood, finding himself, studying, etc. I can hear you say there is no way anything will happen with him anyway, because of the age thing. Never say never. I'm one of those who believes that age doesn't matter when it comes to love. It's one of those 'social' taboos but hey read yourself back - you say you're made for each other and get along so well -- if age isn't an issue in your friendship, why should it be in a relationship? How could two persons that are at such different stages in life get along so well? I've heard of marriages with bigger age-gap work better than most marriages. This said, he is stil very young and at a time of big personal changes. Even if he knows what he wants (has he ever mentioned anything more than a friendship?), which is already a lot to ask at his age, he may change his mind as he grows up. For this reason, when you have resolved your personal issues and made a decision about your ex (for yourself, not for him: IMO if you loved him you wouldn't fantasise about someone else), see whereabout your friend and you are then. In the mean time, what would life be without dreams... just don't shut other opportunities should they come along. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boshemia Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 My friend and I have talked a lot about relationships in general... and he has a really good head on his shoulders. We have agreed that our friendship is special, and we are just going to enjoy what we have while we have it. I'm not so much fantacizing about this specific person, I'm just realizing that a relationship like this is actually possible, at least online. What I'm not sure about is if it really is just a fantasy. Can something like that exist in real life, two people who are friends first, who love each other unconditionally, who are healthy and happy together? I've never actually seen it in real life, honestly... I love my friend enough to NOT put him through the drama that is my life lol... I have a lot of issues to work through, and i'm not willing to bring anyone into my life until all of them are at bay. I'm getting better every day, but I still have a long way to go to be able to get over the hurt in my past... I just want to know... I guess... that I might actually have something like this to look forward to someday, when i am ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Raleuse Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Can something like that exist in real life, two people who are friends first, who love each other unconditionally, who are healthy and happy together? I've never actually seen it in real life, honestly... I just want to know... I guess... that I might actually have something like this to look forward to someday, when i am ready. Oh I wish so too and I do believe it is possible to find healthy stable relationships when we are healthy and stable ourselves... but my own friendship with a younger guy (not online) has shown me (amongst other things): a) it's not because they are young that they are not able to be as abusive (if not worse) as older men. I think that deepdown I fell for someone younger in the hope he would be different - either that or because I knew it was doomed from the start; b) too close, too passionate a relationship IS NOT healthy. We were so close, doing everything together, obsessed with each other (both talked about the other when apart), I thought he was my soulmate, in fusion. It looked like the best relationship (even when platonic) ever. Yet, it was too much. A healthy relationship is not that heavy/obsessive. It leaves room for each individual. Mind you, I have not yet been able to love healthily! Link to post Share on other sites
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