Wife left me

[crashtke]

Ok, kind of a long one, and I am having trouble thinking straight right now from the pain, but here goes. My wife and I have been married like 3 years. Before we got married she cheated on me. I don't mean she slept with someone else, but she did write emails that were not good, went out with an ex-boyfriend, etc. I found out about all this and we hashed it out. We got married a couple years later. Things were great for a while, I gained back almost all the trust. We hardly EVER even have a cross word, enjoy the same things, and just have had such a great life together. I love her more than I can express.

 

Over the past 6 months things have seemed like they were seeming familiar....distance in the relationship, love life falling off, her starting to act weird, hiding her phone, etc. It all seemed the same as the last time she cheated. When I tried to talk about it with her she said it was all because I didn't trust her. But I didn't trust her because she was not talking to me and I knew she was growing distant and something was not right. Vicious circle. She starts being more distant and acting weirder, I start feeling less trusting and asking more questions that she takes as not trusting, she gets more upset, repeat.

 

6 days ago she up and left. I was blindsided. There was no talk of getting help, not talk of counseling, no talk of it previous to her just walking out. She went to stay with her mom and now is at her fathers place. She has been (according to them) really hurting, constantly crying, not eating. In short the exact same things I have been going through. BUT, she won't talk to me, won't see me, wont take my calls, communicates mainly through the occasional text message, and is not coming back. I talked to her 2 times today and it was like talking to 2 different people. The first time she was kinda of happy, joking a bit, etc. The second time was a more serious talk. In that one she told me she was not sure if she wanted to work it out or not, she did not think I would change, she did not know if she could deal with it, was not ready to go to counseling, just all kinds of stuff.

 

Guys I dont know what to do. I LOVE her, but this is killing me. We don't have any kids, but it does not make this any easier. I want to work things out. I don't believe that she is cheating now. I do not believe in divorce. I believe in the whole, till death do us part through better and worse. But I don't know how to act or what to do right now. Every instinct I have says to pursue and try to get her back to me. I want to go over there and try to get her to talk to me, to drag her to a marriage counselor, to make her work things out. But it seems the more I try, the more confused and upset it makes her.

 

Please help

[Woggle]

Since you do not have any kids file for divorce and get on with your life. That is the inevitable end of this marriage so why delay it. Accept that it is over.

[jnb]

Crashtke,

 

I think the problem that your wife is having is you don't trust her. You said you'd gained back almost all your trust. I'm sorry but going out with other guys before you're married or engaged is not cheating, it's called dating. Until there's a ring and a date you can't lay claim to her. So first off you need to get over what happened in the past because you don't have the right to hold it against her, she wasn't your wife at the time.

 

As for now, maybe she is cheating maybe she isn't. It could just be she's made a friend or reconnected with a friend she knows you're going to freak out about so she has to hide it to keep the peace. Jealousy of other men (or women) will only cause more problems, be confident and that will attract her, she'll see her husband as being the stronger of the two.

 

If you want to get to the bottom of the problem you'll have to admit to her that you've been over reacting to what happened when the two of you were dating. Make ammends for that then make her feel comfortable enough to talk to you about what's going on now.

[Stampy]

Dude, I'm not very deep into this, and in my case my W actually told me that she was in love with someone else, and had made up her mind that she wanted to leave me. She didnt go to her folks, but then they dont live in the same country.

 

I disagree personally with the idea that you have been untrusting. I think you probably had reason to be. Though I would agree with the thought that by being untrusting in the wrong circumstances, you can push your W into someone else's arms. Just because you are untrusting doesnt mean your W has a right to leave. As to hiding the phone etc. you would be an idiot if this didnt at least get your Spidey Senses tingling.

 

But she is probably feeling "trapped" and "confused" to use the psycho-jargon. The best advice that I think I got through this discussion is to back off. As unnatural and weird as that seems, back off. Assuming that she feels trapped and confused, un-trap her. Tell her that you dont want to be separated or divorced from her, but if thats her wishes, then you cannot make her stay with you, just as you could not force her to marry you in the first place.

 

It will be very unattractive for you to stalk her and to beg her. Just think, when you were dating, would she have found you more attractive if you called her 6 times a day, leaving messages on her voicemail etc.? Of course not. Give her space and she will likely come back. Be just as distant as she is being, which will confuse the hell out of her. I know this will hurt you, but you have to do it if you want her back.

 

It confused the **** out of my W, who hasnt come back but who is casually contacting me more and more. (we obviously have other issues to address if she ever declares that she wants the marriage to work) Thats important too - let any communication be started by her. NEVER ever call her or email her or text her. Only reply.

 

Anyhow, I'm only 2.5 months into my situation so take what I say with a grain of salt. This info is from Gunny and from the Dobson book "Love Must be Tough" which is a bit too bible-bashing for me, but has some great info. Yes, you have to change a bit, but she has to come back first.

[MoonGirl]

Don't be so sure your wife isn't seeing someone else, even if she says she's not.

 

Try to do some reading at www.marriagebuilders.com.

 

I totally agree with what other posters have stated. If you are weak right now and try to beg your wife to stay, it will turn her off even more. Try to be confident, independent, and look like you're having a good time by yourself. Try to work on yourself right now. Do some things you haven't been able to do in a while: read, workout, have a boys night out.

[Gunny376]

The best thing you can do in this situation is to leave her the Hell alone ~ go on with your life as if you never knew her ~ let alone was married to her, and project yourself as the happy, go-lucky, devil may care type person ~ even if your not.

 

I know it sounds crazy, but you've got any chance, this is the route that you have to go. If crying, begging, pleading, whinning couldn't make her stay ~ why do you think it would make her come back? It won't!

 

This trusting business ~ all jealousy is, ~ is your own personal insecurties and self doubts to be able to compete and stand up aginst the least little competition that comes along. Temptation is out there, and is going to be out there for each and everyone of us each and everyday of our lifes. If a person is going to cheat on you ~ or leave you for someone else, there going to cheat on you and leave you for someone else ~ and there's not a damn thing that you can do about it. What? What are you going to do, follow them around 24/7/365, scrutinize their every move, question their every action ~ would you want to live like that?! I wouldn't.

 

In your case its sounds like to me that yours is its own self-fullfilling propesey. If it was me? I'd get in touch with her, and tell her that you apolgize for doubting her, us, and that you were too weak-minded to gain control over your own doubts and insecurties, and that you're going to work on that even though it may be too late for the two of you. You're not ready to get back with her until you've throughly exmained those areas that you need to identify, adapt, and overcome.

[chadnickole]

Just read some of my tread,"I messed up bigtime I love my wife" we are all in kinda the same situation!! Do what Gunny and these other guys tell ya, back off, let her call you!!

 

Be kind, be pleasant, and be a Man!! My wife told me on more than one occation that i'm acting like a girl (that is not attractive to a woman, unless she muches rug!!) DO NOT DO WHAT I"VE DONE as far as persueing her and begging and whining and actling like a little bitch!! IT WILL NOT WORK!!

 

Not to say that you can't/won't slip up and have weak moments, but they will slow any posative progress there may be!! I PROMISE YOU THAT!!

 

Biggest thing look into yourself and see your faults find your problems, go see a shrink, get on some Anti D's (mild ones) they allow thoughts to determine your actions instaed of all the pain and emaotions your having!!

 

Good luck and please be stronger than I was in the beginning!!

 

AND DO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO MY POOR SPELLING

[MattN]

Crashtke,

 

I think the problem that your wife is having is you don't trust her. You said you'd gained back almost all your trust. I'm sorry but going out with other guys before you're married or engaged is not cheating, it's called dating. Until there's a ring and a date you can't lay claim to her. So first off you need to get over what happened in the past because you don't have the right to hold it against her, she wasn't your wife at the time.

 

As for now, maybe she is cheating maybe she isn't. It could just be she's made a friend or reconnected with a friend she knows you're going to freak out about so she has to hide it to keep the peace. Jealousy of other men (or women) will only cause more problems, be confident and that will attract her, she'll see her husband as being the stronger of the two.

 

If you want to get to the bottom of the problem you'll have to admit to her that you've been over reacting to what happened when the two of you were dating. Make ammends for that then make her feel comfortable enough to talk to you about what's going on now.

 

I may be alone on this but you do NOT have to be married or engaged for someone to cheat on you. Its called a committment and that does not require a ring. All that it requires is 2 people agreeing to the committment.

 

If thats the case then she did cheat and he does have a reason

[Topper]

Change the locks on your doors. Cancel all credit cards in both names Move any money in joint bank accounts! Chances are she has already taken any money from joint accounts. Do It Now!

[AHIWON]

I may be alone on this but you do NOT have to be married or engaged for someone to cheat on you. Its called a committment and that does not require a ring. All that it requires is 2 people agreeing to the committment.

 

If thats the case then she did cheat and he does have a reason

 

You aren't alone on that. I feel the exact same way. My common law spouse right now means a hell of a lot more to me than my x-wife whom I was actually married to. A complete different set of problems for both relationships.

[ilmw]

Hi and welcome...and sorry for your pain.

 

But be assured you have come to the write place to get guidance, and support through these very trying times.

 

You are not alone and that is one thing you should remember.... LS was my constant companion in my early days of my separation... and it help keep my sane... and on the straight and narrow. I read so many other posts... I learned from others mistakes... I followed allot of the advise given... I read the books recommended to me.... and in time I started to recommend books to others.

 

Also... be assured you will get more advise from many different people...

 

You will do yourself a huge faviour to get yourself down to the book store and get Divorce Busting... There is a large list in it of does and don'ts for people in your situation.

 

Maybe someone will list it... I have seen it posted many times in other threads...

 

I will leave with one thought.... and it is something you must get in your head and understand. "YOU cannot control the actions or thoughts of others" so do not think you can get your wife to counselling or to talk to you if she does not want to.

 

If she will not communicate with you directly... leave her the hell alone. "When we persist ... they resist."

 

You try and force the issue... you will just make this even worse... K??

 

ilmw

[polywog]

Hi,

I ilmw's post is right on. I was reading this thread and thinking about recommending "Divorce Busting" and there he mentioned it. She also wrote a book that came out a bit later as kind of a follow-up called "The Divorce Remedy". Both are essential reading for what you're going through right now.

 

I really feel for you, I'm going through something similar and LS has been super support for me. Reading through some of the other people's threads, like ilmw's and PWSX's (might have got the letters out of order!) are as good as any book, too.... will help you to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you will not feel so alone.

 

Hang in there (I know, it's hard!) and keep posting....