acmeduck Posted November 9, 2002 Share Posted November 9, 2002 I have met these attractive girls in college, and I want to ask them on dates. I've never dated before (OK, all right, fine, great, I admit it). What happened twice when I was in highschool is that I fell in love with a girl too quick, and I told her that I love her even before getting to know each other better or dating, destroying the whole relationship instantly. I won't make the same mistake again, but I really don't know how to get to know a girl. I do talk to girls at parties or during the lunch break, but we end up being "greeting friends" who just say hi when we see each other on the hallway. And whenever THEY talk to me from their side, I'm up to something else. (I'm VERY single-minded.) What do I do first to be closer friends with them? How do I ask their phone numbers or email addresses without scaring them off? Please give me a tip on how to build a relationship. Thanks in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted November 9, 2002 Share Posted November 9, 2002 First, go into with the frame of mind that you want FRIENDS. You can NEVER have too many friends. Just ask them if yall can go chill somewhere...have coffee, or if you can email them sometime. Just ask the questions about where they are from. What their intrests are, and when you find out you have some common intrests, then you can take it from there. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T STRESS ABOUT IT! Just be yourself and meet people! Link to post Share on other sites
butterflyz Posted November 9, 2002 Share Posted November 9, 2002 in addition to ally boo's is to talk about an upcoming event (concert, show,etc.). and see if that event is something that she expresses interest about. then you could say that a bunch of your friends might be getting together to go. and then......you could say, "if you are interested, i can take your email address and let you know if we're going. why don't you come with us, we're a great group of people." so this way, she'll feel it's a friendly group outing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author acmeduck Posted November 9, 2002 Author Share Posted November 9, 2002 Ally boo, Thank you for replying. I'll try to ask for chilling out. (I hope it's never too early to do that.) Actually I asked one of the girls to walk to the bus stop together in September but she said no. Probably I should keep trying until I get to feel no pain. I'll be myself, but I still feel that I should still temper my socially-indifferent nature. Moving from "greeting friends" to real friends is the hardest part for me. I don't know how people out there are getting together, forming a group, and hanging out. (Especially in college, where there's no such thing as "classmates" anymore. How do they do that??) I've been a loner-and-happy hobbyist for too long (that's pretty much who I am after all), but I'm willing to improve my social skills. What I should learn is how to "glue" a relationship (keeping in touch, making personal contacts) I guess... Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted November 11, 2002 Share Posted November 11, 2002 Well, don't let your episode of rejection discourage you. That's why I say, do it with the intention to make friends....that way, you won't feel as rejected. Make it clear that you just wanna chill. Link to post Share on other sites
Author acmeduck Posted November 14, 2002 Author Share Posted November 14, 2002 OK, I'll try to make it clear that I just want to chill. I don't belong to any hangout groups so I'll be asking person to person. I think I'll ask her out to a concert (which will be small and casual). What should /should NOT I say when I ask her out and still show that I only intend to make friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 You just gotta be casual and be yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author acmeduck Posted November 16, 2002 Author Share Posted November 16, 2002 OK, I met her again at this weekly coffee time today as I expected. We talked about each other just a little more over snacks. But I couldn't keep the conversation up very long. So we had breaks in conversation twice. It was stupid of me to talk with other girls for kind of long during the break. After the second break, when I wanted to ask her out, she was not there anymore. So I couldn't ask her out but I did talk casually, and it was for this week. I made a only little progress but I didn't destroy it either. I hope this goes slowly but steadily.. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted November 16, 2002 Share Posted November 16, 2002 How do you take a break when you are having coffee with someone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author acmeduck Posted November 17, 2002 Author Share Posted November 17, 2002 Ally Boo, I guess I put it in a strange way...I don't speak English too well. We weren't having coffee (although it is called "coffee hour"), and there are no tables in that place (Just several sofas, but they were all full). So we were talking standing. About 40 people were there. When our conversation was not going well, she left to grab food, talk to her other friends or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted November 17, 2002 Share Posted November 17, 2002 Did she go with the intention of just seeing you, or did you run into her there? Link to post Share on other sites
Author acmeduck Posted November 17, 2002 Author Share Posted November 17, 2002 We have this "coffee hour" every week on campus in this large room with nice carpet and sofas, where students relax and talk. I met her last week there, and she was there this week too. I'm pretty sure that she will be there almost every week, because she said she is a member of the association which is running the weekly event. So I will probably be able to see her regularly. But I shouldn't be too slow in approaching anyway. I hope she didn't think I was too boring yesterday! Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted November 17, 2002 Share Posted November 17, 2002 Sounds like you are doing good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author acmeduck Posted November 20, 2002 Author Share Posted November 20, 2002 Nooo I'm not doing good. I saw her again by chance at this formal party (I didn't expected to see her there) and she and I were both early, so around was just the two of us except the catering people and receptionists. But I didn't know what to talk about. Then a receptionist suggested her to have something to drink, and she followed. But I didn't follow her, thinking that she might not like it if I walk single file all the way behind her. And then friends of hers showed up and they started to talk but there was no room for me to join them because she was sitting on a couch talking with them and the couch was full!! I was miserably frustrated revolving around the couch with her not noticing me, and EXACTLY when another girl was talking to me, now she's looking at me! I hate myself for not following her in the first place. There was a fear that held me back, and I didn't want to look like a stalker, which was totally stupid. I guess I should have something to talk about by the time I see her next time. I find it hard to expect what happens in a crowd. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted November 20, 2002 Share Posted November 20, 2002 Maybe you should consider changing your plans, and work on yourself, before you work on talking to girls. As a girl, I can tell you...nothing is more repulsive than a guy who is unsure of himself, and acts weird about talking to us. They aren't giving you any attention probably bc you are coming across as pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author acmeduck Posted November 21, 2002 Author Share Posted November 21, 2002 Well I exaggerated a bit on the previous post. I didn't literally revolve around the couch, but I just couldn't get to talk. Thank you for reading anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted November 21, 2002 Share Posted November 21, 2002 You should still do it anyway Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 21, 2002 Share Posted November 21, 2002 Why don't you just say "Hi" to her the next time you see her and then tell her that you get a little nervous and shy around her because you are attracted to her, then ask her if she'd like to have dinner together, or go to a movie or something. Sometimes a shy guy can be very appealing. Some women find them a turn-off, but others a turn-on and you just won't know how she feels unless you ask HER. What is the worst that can happen? She shouts NO at you and starts laughing? Do you REALLY think that would happen? If she's not interested she'll probably just tell you thanks and that she is flattered, but she's just not interested and then you can move on. Shy is one thing - total insecurity and fear is something else. If you are out and about and mingling with others it sounds like you are just a little shy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author acmeduck Posted November 21, 2002 Author Share Posted November 21, 2002 Ally Boo, Yeah but how could I work on my shyness without trying to socialize? I AM working on myself, and that's why I came here. It would be easier if I decide to stay alone and don't think of anything about communication, but I'm still willing to try. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 21, 2002 Share Posted November 21, 2002 I'm not answering for AllyBoo, I'm just addressing your last post. Just tell the girl that you are shy and/or nervous around her. I would be flattered if someone, even if I wasn't interested in them, were shy or nervous around me because they like me and I would try to do something to put them at ease. Honesty is a great ice-breaker. If you are looking for things to talk about, look around you--what are the current events? Harry Potter - have you read the books? Seen the movies? If she says no or yes it is at least an opener. If she has seen the movie ask her what she thought about it. If she has not ask her if she wants to go. If she is not interested in Harry Potter, ask her what kind of movies she likes and ask if she want to go to one of those. What's going on in your area? Listen to the news and talk about that. Sports is good sometimes too. Just say "HI" and when she says hi back, say something like "ya' know I'm a bit shy and around you I get nervous because I like you and would like to go out with you. Would you like to see a movie Friday?" That is how you can overcome your shyness. Face the fear -- it's seldom as bad as we think it will be. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted November 21, 2002 Share Posted November 21, 2002 What I was saying was, you need to find out why you are shy, and work on getting past it. You are right, you are trying, and that's a big step! Hokey has given excellent advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author acmeduck Posted November 22, 2002 Author Share Posted November 22, 2002 HokeyReligions, Thank you for giving advice and ideas, I appreciate it alot. Nobody else has ever told me before that it is good to be honest about being shy or nervous, but I think it is and I hope it will break the ice. Hopefully I can have a chance to talk with her again tomorrow, and I will keep your words in mind. I've wanted to see the new Harry Potter movie -- I think I'll talk about it too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author acmeduck Posted December 8, 2002 Author Share Posted December 8, 2002 She told me that she has a boyfriend and that she's excited because she's going to see him again. Good thing she told me early so we can stay friends, though..at least we can share some personal stories. Link to post Share on other sites
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