boshemia Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Ok, my husband and I have been seperated for nearly ten months now. It has been strange to say the least. He was arrested in May on a second violent offense, and I was ready to walk away. He quit drinking, he has been going to counseling, he has spent a lot of time talking to me and trying to win me back. I feel like I should give him a second chance, but honestly... my heart just keeps fighting it. After five years of controling, violent, and hurtful behaviors I'm just not ready to believe that these changes are going to stick. I'm trying but I just can't imagine going back to that lonely place. The whole time we were together I got this feeling that he never really heard what I had to say, no matter how many times I said it. It's not much different now. I've told him I just want a divorce, I don't love him anymore, all of that. He says he can't understand why I am being so cold, why I wont just see how much he has changed just to make this work. He is still here almost every night, telling me how much he loves me. He stayes away sometimes for a day or two, sometimes only for hours and then he is back wanting to work on the marriage. He admits that he treated me terribly, and he says he is sorry for everything. I keep trying to tell him what I feel, and it seems like he just keeps trying to talk me out of what I see and feel just like before. I've asked him to leave at 10 only to have him still here talking at 2. Should I give him another chance just because he has worked so hard to correct the problems? Should I just go with what my heart feels and thinks and well... just trust my gut on this one? Someone is bound to mention no contact... just so you know this is not possible really. He lives with my family at the moment. What would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
thatmatt Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 It sounds like although he has made big strides, it is too little too late. 5 years is a LONG time to deal with all of that, and I think you have to decide whether it is worth it. If you don't love him anymore, although that is a hard thing for him to accept, he can look back at his actions and the answer is right in front of him. How much have you been together in the ten months you've been separated? Did you focus on work, family, friends, etc, became more independant? You just have to ask yourself if you really love him, and if so, is it enough to heal the last 5 years. I think if you do decide to take the chance and stick it out, remaining separated would be good. He is "starting over", in a sense, becoming a better person, a more well rounded, loving person. I think in a sense you would almost need to start fresh, since the relationship is at the point of divorce, that's a deep hole to overcome. Taking it slow so you can learn to trust him, and kindof see if this is the real him now, or whether it will wear off. You just have to decide what's in your best interest, for your family (kids if there are any involved), and if you really feel like you can rebuild this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boshemia Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 That's what I told him pretty much. The marraige we had wasn't worth saving, but if we can salvage the friendship their may be a new relationship some day, but I am not willing to promise anything. I'm scared to death, I just can't go back to that... However, here he is every night at my house... like nothing has changed. He says "I love you" and waits for a response, sometimes I say it but no because I mean it. I found this in another post and basically... everything it says not to do he is doing... She is titally right, I resent it... if we could just talk like normal people it would be cool. But the pressure is really a turn-off... This is from Michelle Weiner Davis' book Divorcebusting: Quote: 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes Link to post Share on other sites
Author boshemia Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 OMG! I just can't do this anymore! I noticed how many posts I've made. I was wondering how many altogether between this account and my other account and I started reading through old posts there... I'm putting them all here and then sending him the link... I just can't keep doing this. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t36229/?highlight=echocrush http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t37171/?highlight=echocrush http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40429/?highlight=echocrush http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40427/?highlight=echocrush http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t45600/?highlight=echocrush http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81606/?highlight=boshemia Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 The first thing you need to do is figure out what you want and that may take time. By letting him come over you are giving him mixed messages. He has been violent for years and it only stopped 10 months ago and that took police involvment. You are a victim of his drinking as much as he is. I would seek out an Al-anon group in my area. Its a support group for family members of alcoholics. What kind of counselling is he getting? From your description he NEEDS both alcohol AND anger management. Next I would say I need time alone. Time for both of you to work on your issues, get a clear perspective on things and THEN make a decision about the future with no promises either way. You also need time to see if the changes in him are really real or if this is only a momentary thing. 10 months is not long enough to determine that after years of violence. If he was convicted of 2 felonies then he only gets one more shot. The 3 strikes and you are out law. Personally I think you need to stay as far as hell away from him. He is still a danger. If he doesn't follow your wishes then get down to the police station and ask for a TRO (temporary restraining order). Please don't mess around with this. Women are killed everyday in this exact same situation. I'm not trying to scare you but the most important thing in all of this is that you stay alive. Not the marriage, not him but YOU and if you have children them. As Dr Phil says the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. He has no track record yet except violence. Know where the women shelters are in your town. Have an emergency overnight bag in your truck. Have alittle emergency fund stashed. Let a close friend or relative know what is going on. You are your own best defender. Like I said I don't mean for this to sound alarmist but protect yourself before and beyond anything else. I wish you strength. Link to post Share on other sites
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