Generosity

[CaptainStarr]

Hello,

 

My girlfriend says that I am cheap and not generous.

 

I agree that I am not as generous as she is, but I do think that I am at least a little...

 

She grew up in a very generous family, I didn't.

 

One of the things she says I do that shows that I am not generous is to tell her what I have spent on her.

 

Now, becasue I am an Engineer, my thinking is very straight-forward and factual. I normally only say these things when she asks me what I have spent money on recently. When she asks I go through the list of EVERYTHING I have bought no matter what or who it was for.

 

The only time that I can remember doing it otherwise, although she says there have been many others, was when I got a really great deal on a large bunch of flowers for her, and in passing, mentioned how much they were.

 

I thought that she would be impressed with the deal that I got since I have done it before and she said nothing about me being cheap or not generous. Yet, she says that is wrong! She says telling someone how much you have spent on them is a bad thing to do, I agree, but i didn't do it on purpose.

 

Her way of dealing with this problem is splitting everything we buy together 50/50. To top it all off, she claims that it is my idea, because I have left her with no alternative.

 

She is not willing to get a joint account, which I do not understand! Wouldn't that be a good idea?

 

She says I am cheap. I used to buy her flowers from a street vendor every friday. After almost two months, she tells me that I am cheap for buying her "bad" flowers. She always said that the flowers were nice and that she liked them!

 

What am I missing! If she would have told me that she did not like them at all, I would not have got them at all. That makes me cheap?

 

I also bought her a Mayan Sand painting from a local native arts store. The back of the frame was covered in kraft paper to enable a story about the painting to be be stuck to it. The painting had been taken down off of the wall many times and, as such, had suffered a few holes in the kraft paper. When she saw it she accused me of being cheap for buyin her a picture with holes in the kraft paper. She accused me of getting it at a reduced price because of the holes.

 

I did not get it cheap at all, quite the opposite in fact. It was a lot of money for me at the time!

 

When that happened I felt that I didn't want to get anything for her ever again! Even when I am generous, she says I am not!

 

I am so confused and I do not know what to do. I do not want to do what she says I am doing, but I really don't even know I am doing it until it is too late.

 

We are at the edge of a cliff! She insists that I go for professional help to learn how to be more generous. If she would just open her mind a little, she would see that I already am, just not as much as she is.

 

Is she wrong for forcing me to become like her? I think so......

[Bill]

It is always the thought that counts. If you had good intentions, then she should have been happy for all of this. If you did all you could, and spent a lot (in reference to you), then you did your part.

 

I'm sorry to say that there is some people that demand to be treated like they are the best person on the earth. My first girlfriend made me take her to the most expensive restaurants around here almost 3 times a week. When I started working part time and going to school she got mad because I didn't have the money to do that.

 

There is not much you can do. This one has been taught that she needs to be given everything. She just needs to realize that this is not going to happen. I hope that you can prove to her this, otherwise she is gone.

 

This comes from a fellow engineer

[Just A Girl2]

No offense, but your girlfriend sounds to me like she's spoiled, ungrateful and preoccupied with material things.

 

Okay, first off, I CAN kind of see how she might be put off with you mentioning how much something you bought for her, cost you. No matter "what a great deal" you got on something, don't mention the cost. It comes across like you care more about what a good deal you got, versus the fact that you bought something to make your partner happy, etc.

 

BUT...this crap about her suggesting you need "professional help to learn to be more generous", that's insane. I think she's the one who needs professional help, for making such a stupid suggestion (and you can tell her I said that! LOL).

 

Sounds to me like the fact that you bought her flowers every Friday for however long you said you did, that she just didn't appreciate it. I guess that unfortunately, sometimes when a person does something nice like this, on such a regular basis, it maybe loses its specialness and meaning?

 

She sounds immature, too.......like that she believes that somehow, your degree of love for her can only be measured by how much $ you spend on her...which is stupid.

 

I suspect because she grew up in a 'generous family'..that she's spoiled, and expects YOU to spoil her as well. That's a selfish and crappy expectation to have. All she should expect is that you love her, treat her with respect and be true to her. If she wants a guy to blow all his money on her, she should go find herself some rich old fart who has one foot in the grave.

 

Being in a relationship shouldn't mean constant tension in regards to who's spending what on whoever. For myself, I don't need roses and expensive fancy things....(which I never got in any relationship I've been in)...I'd much prefer a guy who was honest with me, didn't cheat, treated me with respect and was my best friend. It's a good thing I've never expected men I dated to "spoil me" because it surely never ever happened.

 

If you feel that she's putting far too great of an emphasis on material things and how much you spend on her, believe me, things aren't going to get better with time...they'll only get worse...and if you were to marry her, good luck..cuz you'll need it.

 

There are women out there who would judge a man for how he treats her, not how much he spends on her. Your girlfriend sounds like a spoiled, selfish little brat. You deserve a lot better, don't you? I think so.

[butterflyz]

through my mind.

 

first, i hate to say this, but you kind of focused her attention on the amount you spend because you brought it up. so now, her attention is on that instead of on the "thought that counts" aspect of your gift.

 

there are plenty ways to spoil someone without spending a lot of money. just being creative in the normal day to day routine can make a woman feel like a queen. for instance, paying attention to her in ways you normally don't. instead of plopping on the couch and watching tv together, why not rub her back or her feet? if you normally sit across from each other at a restaurant, next time sit next to her (you'll be able to hold hands, and kiss, and etc.). when you leave in the morning, leave her a note on the fridge that says you love her. all of these things are far more important than the amount you spend on the gift.

 

now, the fact that she was upset about the paper on the back of the picture may have more to do with your thoughtfulness than on the amount you spent. i wouldn't give someone a gift that had holes in it. i would fix it first. that shows the effort that you would make to make her happy. she's not upset that you got the flowers at a discount, but maybe they were not of good quality and died quickly. so, again, maybe she's upset that you wouldn't go out of your way to find quality flowers, regardless of the price. you can find economical ways to get quality flowers.

 

so, don't talk about money with her. and start to go out of your way for her. she'll turn around.

[Ally Boo]

Um I'd say that if you don't want to spend the rest of your life, looking at her little "Score card" get out!

[HokeyReligions]

Based on your description it doesn't sound like you and this girl are suited for each other. I'm with AllyBoo on this one.

 

We are all so different and our expectations and priorities need to be in alignment if a relationship is going to work. Miss Manners might say "don't reveal the cost" of something, but I'll tell 'ya--way back when my husband and I were dating we told each other the costs of lots of things -- gifts included. Why? Well, because sometimes we would find a bargain and want to brag a little! I do that now with folks at work too -- I buy a lot of my clothes at the second hand store (I hate paying full-price) and I love to go garage sailing etc. and bragging a little about how much money I saved is fine as far as I'm concerned. Most folks have opened up to me a little too -- since I introduced a wholesale catalog to everyone and helped them save money too. I don't reveal the costs of everything, but enough. If someone thinks I'm being cras or unsophisticated -- that is their problem not mine. So don't let this girl tell you that you are doing something wrong.

 

I used to work with a woman who judged people on the gifts they gave. Her teenage daughter was dating someone and she told me that this boy bought her daughter a cheap gift at Christmas and did not buy her anything else the rest of the year and she convinced her daughter to break up with him becauce it seemed obvious to her that that the boy didn't care about her. Whereas the next boyfriend would buy little gifts for her daughter all the time and she encouraged that relationship. I think that is petty.

 

There doesn't have to be gifts at all. Maybe the girl should seek some professional help so that she can deal with reality and maybe someday actually have a meaningful relationship, instead of a materialist one.

 

I'm sorry if you are hurting, but better to learn now and get out and find someone compatible.

[Jenny]

A gift is given from the heart not from the pocketbook. Yours seem to come w/ a price tag attached. I agree w/ your girlfriend. Until you learn to be generous and loving FROM THE HEART, the relationship will go no where. I make 3 x what my husband does and he NEVER feels unequal in our relationship. I love him for who he is not for the money. I would never tell him anything about money because it degrades our relationship and it is disrespectful. Good luck. There is a book about how people equate love that you should check out. You and your girlfriend are on different plains.

[casey]

my b/f is the same way as you. like last christmas we had just started to date and he bought me things that were on sale but spend quite a bit on his family memebers. on my birthday he did the same thing to. he calls himself thrifty and me to spend thrifty or something like that. i think your g/f is being very selfish and if you have not been with her very long you should just dump her. she should just appreciate the gifts with out the price tag attached because if it comes from your heart then that is all that matters. i have learned that one the hard way but it is a valuable lesson. maybe later if you are still with her she will want more and more and more and you will not be able to satisfy her needs.

[Angel]

Many women, including myself, like to be swept off our feet. You should NEVER talk about how much something cost---I would feel terrible if anyone mentioned cost when giving me a gift! Just plain ole bad manners.

 

I have dated men who have swept me off my feet with very little money----others have bored me with their "thrifiness".

 

It is a fact of life that women want a man that will be able to take care of her (EVEN IF SHE WORKS!)----It's biological that we want the strongest, best provider that is available------the same way that men want a certain "look" on a woman. No matter what you say, that women are being greedy-selfish-etc- you cannot change this. I'd love for men to care about a woman's "inner" beauty----but I can't change that either. It is what it is!

 

I don't mean to be cruel here---I am just giving you a woman's perspective. I wouldn't date a man that was thrifty when it came to me. I think men nowadays want everything: beauty, a cook, a mother, someone to care for them--------------and want the woman to pay for their own upkeep. I don't think soooooooooo! Women cost money---that's the bottom line. A good woman is used to being treated a certain way----and I don't blame them. Just my opinion.

[Just A Girl2]

Angel,

 

For goodness sakes, what a sweeping generalization you make...that ALL WOMEN want to be taken care of by a man. Speak for yourself, not for all women. I can tell with all honesty and sincerity, that I am one of millions of women in this day and age, who is more than capable of taking complete care of herself....and I'm proud of that. It's one thing to want and expect to be treated well and with respect, by a man...but to EXPECT him to take care of you? Are you some helpless little fluffball?

 

I think it's really bold and wrong of you, respond to the guy asking the question, speaking on behalf of all women. Speak for yourself.

[Just A Girl2]

Oops, hit the 'send' button too quick.

 

I wanted to comment, Angel, on your comment that "Women cost money." What a crock! Oh well, no wait....okay, maybe that's true......if you're a woman who's a:

 

A) Certified gold-digger......aka, an 'opportunist', a parasite......someone who's lacking ambition, independence or integrity and dignity.....someone who uses men for what they can "buy her." Women like this should get off their duff and make their own money.

 

B) Prostitute.

 

C) Combination of both.

 

Interesting "perspective"..but again, it is certainly not the perspective of all women, or many women, for that matter.

[Angel]

My, my, but you really don't understand. You must be very young, and you are right, there are a lot of young women that are very confused. Wait 20 years, you may see it differently! Not all women think this way, but many many do!

[Just A Girl2]

Age has nothing to do with it, dear, but as per you're thinking it does, no, I'm not "young"...I'm 35 yrs old. I put myself through many years of university, I have a great rewarding and well-paying career, I bought my own upper-scale home, I'm extremely financially stable and self-reliant. I don't know what generation YOU were born in, but I was raised by parents who instilled in me a sense of independence, self-respect, working for what *I* want in life, and not expecting anything to be handed to me by anyone. Most importantly, I'm very happy....and I attract men who respect me for who I am, my beliefs, my work ethic and my belief that men and women are equals.

 

You just go about thinking that you're "something else" and that men owe you something, that you're some "legend" in your own mind....and hopefully you won't pass along your antiquated, insulting-to-women-as-a-whole attitudes to any offspring you might have pumped out.

[HokeyReligions]

Just A Girl2 & Angel: You both sound like strong women and neither of you is totally wrong or totally right! As stated in your own posts -- these are your opinions and I think its great that you can voice them here!

 

CaptainStarr -- all of our posts should help you to see that we are all different! The best thing to do is communicate to an individual and determine if your beliefs are similar.

 

If we are looking for support or agreement - on any topic - we can find it, but we will also find people who disagree. It doesn't make anyone wrong or anyone right -- but hopefully it will open our eyes to other people's points of view and make us better people for understanding -- even when we don't agree.

 

I respect all of you for your opinions, even when I sit in front of my monitor and think to myself "I couldn't live that way and be happy" I used to think "if they could just see it MY way" and as I grew up I realized that instead of wanting to change someone else to my view, I should try to see things their way. I make better decisions that way without compromising any of my own beliefs.

[Just A Girl2]

It's totally fine for people here to express differing opinions, I can respect that. But when someone like Angel comes along, and expresses an opinion in such a way that leads readers (eg..male readers) to believe that she's speaking on behalf of "all women", then I have a real problem with that. That is the message and tone in her responses. Considering there are a lot of teens and young folks here, who are new to the whole dating/relationships 'scene', I'd really hate for them (particularly the young males) to get the idea that all women want is a guy who's loaded with money and lavishes her with expensive gifts and material possessions; that this is HOW you show a girl/woman that you care about her (which is horse poop). Her statement that "Women cost money!" is absurd. What about the guy reading this thread, who maybe doesn't know much about dating or relationships, who also doesn't happen to make a pile of money to spend on a woman......is he going to sink back in his chair and feel like a failure because he can't "afford" to spoil his girl?

 

I don't see how you can describe Angel as being a strong woman. A strong woman is one who can stand on her own two feet, who doesn't equate a man's love and devotion with $.

[Angel]

My goodness! About being a strong woman? I come from a long line of very strong women. I do not and have not ever taken anything more than a bracelet from a man----I support myself (and always have), own my own home (at my expense) and paid for my own education. I expect nothing from anyone! I have raised three college graduates (the two girls are in law school) who are very self-sufficient and progressive---------but I have taught them the value of femininity! Part of the difference in the way I think is because I am Hispanic (as well as in my 40's) and we were taught to expect the man to be a man (and that includes taking care of women). In the courting part of the relationship, the woman is expected to be pampered and really "courted". After marriage, we give 1000% to our husband and children. Although my American side (I was born and raised in the US) understands the notion of equal partnership, I think American women give themselves the short end of the stick by adhering to rules that they have invented to make them feel "equal". I do not put down what others do, or think, or how they live their lives; I just think that a lot of women feel the way I do (Hispanic or not Hispanic) because it is the natural order of things since time immemorial.

 

Men might have a real problem with the truth, because it makes them feel inadequate, because many men cannot afford the woman (can't take care of) of their dreams. I stick to my prior statement with full conviction---women cost money! Not to brag, but just to prove my point, I am more financially stable than most men I have dated, and find it a big turn-off. They want a beautiful, educated, strong, financially stable individual without baggage, and want you to pay for yourself----I DON'T THINK SO!

 

Some American females take opposition to my thoughts because they feel they have to prove themselves as equals --- when you are self-actualized with your equality you don't need to prove anything. You just let them open the door for you and walk through and say thank-you and enjoy!