How do I get over being dumped and have a happy second chance

[insomnie]

BF and I are back togehter for two months after being apart for two. We're now going on three yeras togehter.

 

Everything is going fantastically, both of us are happy, we love spending tome togehter, etc. The main problems HAVE been solved.

 

HOWEVER...I am having TREMENDOUS difficulty forgiving him for dumping me. It's like I can't trust him now, becuase I know that he is capable of hurting me. THat magical belief that this is the person for me is gone because of everything he put me through. I feel like he hasn't apologized enough (actually he hasn't at all, I let him get back with me faaar too easily).

 

What makes it even harder to get over all this is the fact that in the two months away, he hung out with two of his exgf's. I heard a lot about one of them and nothing about the other...until I saw pictures of them doing stuff together posted online.

 

He tells me nothng happened, that he missed me and actually went to the for advice...but I still have this really overwhelmingly negative feeling whenever I think back to the break.

 

I just don't know if I can get over this. I almost feel like everything that he put me through is a dealbreaker for me, even though everythign is fine now. Like I'd be losing self respect for going back to him after all that.

 

On the other hand...we are so compatible, I love him so much, he treats me wonderfully and I know in the long view of things everything that he's done is not so bad.

 

But still...I can't really trust him anymore =(. I've developed this huge fear of abandonment that I've never had before and I really think that if I was with anyone else I would not be feeling this way.

 

Advice? What should I do? Talk to him? Cut my losses? Try to get over it? And how?

 

I just don't know how to proceed. If I leave him I'm afriad it'll have been a huge mistake. But, how do I get over it?

[insomnie]

Please please please give me some advice. I've been driving myslef completely crazy over this for the past week and now I feel that I really have a big decision to make...and yet I'm paralyzed.

[oppath]

Don't trust him yet! View your relationship as 2 months old. Make him earn your trust over time. At the same time, you can't tell him off any time he does something to displease you and bring up the past to make him feel guilty. You have to be patient. So really, you have to walk a very fine line.

 

Can you elaborate on why you broke up?

[norajane]

I know how you feel. He kinda took the fun out of it, and the special-ness, and the faith you had in "us" as a couple. Add to it that he didn't particularly apologize and isn't kissing your ass in a major way to try to make it up to you, and you have lots of resentment and a lack of trust. It's like he sucked the joy out of it for you.

 

Unfortunately, I don't have any good advice. I'm struggling with some of this now myself, and I don't really know how to rebuild the faith and the joy. My bf is trying, to some degree, but somehow it's not quite enough.

 

I think it helps me to be honest with my bf. When you're feeling dispirited, let him know - don't keep it bottled up so the resentment and distance builds. Sometimes just venting about it to him can help, so you aren't the only one thinking about the issue.

 

He needs to know you're still hurting in order to do something about it - maybe your bf doesn't quite realize how you are feeling. Tell him what you wrote here, so he's aware that everything isn't just fine and dandy as far as you're concerned. If you're going to be in it for the long haul, honesty about your feelings is very important.

 

If there's something specific you want him to do, tell him what it is. If you need him to apologize, tell him. If you need him to explain what's what with the ex-gf's, tell him you need to know. If you need him to make some promises about what kind of contacts he has with girls, ask him. If you need him to promise that he will talk to you if things are bothering him (instead of ignoring the problems until he decides to run off again), tell him you need him to talk openly with you and that you would rather hear his issues than sweep them under the rug until you trip over them. If you need reassurance that he wants to be with you, then ask him to reassure you over and over for as long as you need it.

 

Hope that helps.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

I agree with norajane that talking and constant reassurance are key. If he is serious about making things work he won't mind talking openly and saying reassuring things as often as you need to hear them. The minute he starts with "how many more times do I have to say...." the alarm bells should start ringing.

 

He was the major source of your pain, he should be the major source of your reassurance.