New Relationship: Doomed from the start??

[Joanne]

I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks, and really like him. In fact he's the first guy I have been interested in for about a year. We have amazing chemistry. However, there are a few issues starting to creep in and would like some advise or comments...

 

* I don't think my friends like him. They have never said this directly but I can tell by the fact that they aren't encouraging me in the relationship. I'm not sure why, although jealousy could be an issue. I would love to be able to take him out with my friends but it's always very awkward.

 

* He is uncomfortable with our age gap. I am 21 and he is 26. I really don't think this is a big deal at all; especially given the fact that girls mature at a more rapid rate than boys! We get along great and have the same values and interests, but my lack of life experience I think slightyly unnerves him. He has often said, 'Do you know how old I am??' As if 26 was over the hill!

 

* Sexually, he knows that I am not as experienced as he is and this makes him nervous - I'm not a virgin or anything but he is quite big, and on our first attempt it kind of hurt me (although, I must say, it hurt in a good way!). Of course now he is paranoid about it and is shying away from intercourse.

 

* We come from quite different backgrounds. He has a law degree but comes from a wealthy family and doesn't work. I am completing my own law degree now but come from a lower- middle class family and have worked consistently from a very early age. This also has practical problems - he wants to see me for a rendevous during the day or go drinking in the week but I am often committed to classes or my job!

 

Well, typically I am overanalysing everything when we aren't even in a committed relationship yet. I don't even know if things will continue, but nevertheless these are issues I am thinking about and would appreciate any feedback.

[Tony T]

You're just getting to know each other now. At first, a lot of things may seem like bumps. Once there's a healthy level of fondness, couples are usually able to work out compromises if the differences aren't astronomical.

 

None of the minor problems you listed seem significant to me. The age difference is so minor it's pathetic. The others are too small to mention.

 

It's a danger sign sometimes if your friends don't like someone you're dating. They can see that person a lot more objectively than you can and are not emotionally invested. However, I don't think they've had enough time around this guy to make a good evaluation.

 

If you really like this guy, make an effort to pull these minor things together. If your friends still don't like him after a few months, listen carefully to their reasons and take counsel.

 

Ultimately, it's the two of you who have to make the decision to carry things forward. Based only on your post, I don't see any reason why with little effort these differences can't be smoothed over the you can't live happily ever after. For Pete's sake, stop making such a big deal out of small things. Maybe that's just a function of fear playing in the background.

 

Carpe diem!!!

[butterflyz]

and think. it's wise to be alert to potential problems, but some of the things you mention are not going to really be damaging.

 

have you directly asked your friends about this guy? you are assuming that they don't like him because they are not encouraging you. maybe they are not encouraging you because it is too soon to do so.

 

the 5 year age difference is irrelevant.

 

you will need to be the one that pushes him sexually forward if he is scared to hurt you. show him you are open and he'll loosen up.

 

as far as the working/not working issue, you may see some of the practical problems as you mentioned, but he should understand your need to be responsible.

 

good luck.

[Just A Girl2]

So he has this education (law degree), but comes from a very wealthy family....so for some related reason, he chooses not to work, and spends his days doing nothing but wanting to get together with you? Does he live at home or something?

 

See, for me, this would be the biggest problem. I respect a man who's motivated, hard working, ambitious. I couldn't respect a guy who lived off of his parents' wealth, and just didn't feel the need to work or contribute anything to society. I would think a guy like that was a user, and a loser.

 

You sound very bright and ambitious...with definite goals in life. Seems like you are both very different in this regard.

 

If he's coming across as thinking he's in some way superior to you, because he's older than you, and has more life experience, then it sounds like he has an attitude/ego problem. There's no big deal about you being 21 and him being 26. Now if you were 16 and he was 21, that would be a whole 'nuther story. Be careful that he doesn't subtly put you down because you ARE younger; or come across as so much more 'wise' than you, because of all those years over you (haha...5 years is nothing).

 

Sounds like you've got more on the ball for your age, than he does. So what's he doing with his life? Seems like you're way ahead of him in this regard.

 

And by the way, if he makes you feel uncomfortable regarding this silly age difference, then why is he having sex with you?

 

Just be careful. He sounds like a bit of a twerp. And I don't care for the way he doesn't respect the fact that you have a busy schedule/school commitments. He should respect the fact that you've got commitments to getting an education...and not be trying to interfere with your schedule, by wanting to interrupt it during the week. For him to do so, says to me that he doesn't respect your goals. Warning sign, IMO.