She accepted my invitation to dinner.. what do I do??

[Johnny B]

Hey everyone -

 

Just wanted to announce that this is day 7 of NC for me (or at least what I can call NC b/c we work together).

 

Since she told me 3 months ago about this new guy there has maybe been one other time it has gotten this far without me or her communicating in some type of way. And in the past 4 weeks, I tried heavily to get her back, of course to no avail.

 

In the past week the only contact has been an email, asking me what my career goals were for the next few months, an acknowledgement of hello as we pass in the hall, and last night a happy hour where I completely partied it up with co-workers and even ones that I normally never talk to. I really did have fun.. and it showed to. I had a circle of ppl around me the entired couple of hours. The only thing was that I could just feel her presence there the entire time. Every fiber in my being had to resist going up to talk to her, especially as the liquor really started flowing.

 

We never spoke but the only contact was when we caught eyes for maybe 3 seconds and LET ME TELL YOU... it was probably the most emotional 3 seconds I can remember for quite a while. A million things ran through my mind. I can only guess to what she was thinking. I didn't nod or say hello.. we were probably about 20 feet from each other... and I finally turned away.

 

UGGGHHHH... Sooo hard.... I know she's happy with that guy and my gut tells me that it's really serious and I really think she WILL marry him. It's just the vibe I get, I can't explain it. And I just have to deal with it.. and compounded that I have to work with her and see her everyday so my healing feels like its never beginning... AHHHHH!!!

 

Well just wanted to share... Lets see if I can get another week under my belt. Wish me luck.. I'm trying to put on the best face possible

[Johnny B]

Ok , so a colleague of ours is leaving the company and you know who (my ex) is organizing the going away party this Saturday.

 

My dillema is that I like the guy that is leaving the company, I've even gotten a lot closer to him as I've gone through this mess. I really would like to attend for him.

 

However SHE will be there and possibly her new b/f. Should I go to this event to say goodbye to this guy and try to hold my head high... or just avoid the thing altogether???

 

Please advise !

Johnny

[dropdeadlegs]

As hard as it might be to attend, I would go to the party out of respect to my colleague.

 

 

There is much to be learned from your story, JohnnyB, but the biggest thing I am taking away is that you shouldn't mix business with pleasure. Nothing new in that philosophy. Your struggles are just a reminder, to many that may have forgotten, that when things don't work out it can be difficult to have to deal with facing the ex so often.

 

Best wishes, as always.

[simon sez]

Should I go to this event to say goodbye to this guy and try to hold my head high... or just avoid the thing altogether???

 

Of course you go. No biggie....

 

Take a HOT looking date with you that will hang on your arm all night.

Wise up. Jealousy works. It worked on you didn't it? Don't you study the other threads and see how many people lose it when their ex starts seeing someone new.

 

Get a date. Go to the party. Have fun with the date and ignore the ex.

 

MATURE men move on. MATURE men CAN be around their ex's with out making it a big deal.

[Johnny B]

Ok the party was cancelled for this weekend and rescheduled 2 weeks from now... but this post is about something else.

 

Yesterday she sends me this email:

"Thanks for returning the book for me. How's studying coming? BTW - I've really liked your outfits lately. Looks really nice."

 

What am I supposed to do, I can't handle the small talk from someone I care about so much but just sees me as a friend... so I finally had wrote her the email that all of you have been saying I need to do:

 

"You're welcome and thank you ... Listen, I should have said this to you sooner and I know it was me who made a passing comment to you about my job the other day, which I should not have done, that was wrong, but after the things you told me the other Saturday, I really don't think we can be friends right now. This place and situation has become toxic to me personally and I need to separate myself from it. I never wanted things to turn out like this but maybe it was the only way. I'm sorry but I trust you understand.

 

She wanted to know if it was my job or particularly her. I said that it's the fact that I have to hear her talking on the phone with her b/f, knowing about their trips, knowing exactly the location he works in the building. Everything.

So she wasn't too happy that I mentioned all those things, as if I was trying to prove that I know everything thats going on. She then said well you wont have to worry but I'm moving to a new position on the floor so you wont see me as much, I just want you to be happy.

 

Today when I saw her for the first time face to face as we passed in the hall, she didn't even look in my direction.

 

So, I guess I did what I had to and this is now how it's going to be?

 

Nothing left.

Johnny

[jmargel]

Yep.. let it go. It doesn't matter what she thinks or feels. You need to move on.

[simon sez]

BTW - I've really liked your outfits lately. Looks really nice."

 

 

"Thanks, I'll tell the twins with the 36 D's that I'm seeing that they have nice taste in clothes and to keep buying them for me.... You're the 3rd one that has complimented me on them (the clothes, not the twins with the 36 D's) this week"......

 

 

You MUST quit telling her how much you hurt and how much pain you are in.

It is WEAK. Strong men take charge. Strong men move on HAPPILY. You sure don't sound like a man who says they have ALWAYS been the dumper. This certainly isn't how men who are successful with women operate. Far from it.

 

Women are attracted to emotionally confident, strong, happy men that they view as going somewhere with their life. They reject men who wimper,whine, and talk about their emotions and things that "hurt" them.

 

Man up... Go get another woman (or two) that WANTS to hang on you all night and laughs at your stupid jokes and finds you the best thing that ever happened to her. Quit wasting time showing how low your self esteem is. They (great women) are everywhere. Find them....

[Johnny B]

Simon - Ok you are right. I need to snap out of this and I've never been like this before in my life. Yes, I've always been the dumper and I've always moved on never looking back. Confident and strong.

 

Now this girl is in my face everyday and I cant move on, shes found someone and im pining after her.. wishing I had her back and wishing I would have done things differently, wishing I would have treated her better, realized what I had, wanting to be a better person all around, reliving old memories, etc......

 

You know my situation and you have given me candid and brutally honest advice.

 

So how do I recitfy the behavior I've displayed, what should I do going forward now considering shes in my life every freakin day?

 

I still don't want to be her buddy, buddy friend right now and not sure if we can ever be, but I want my strength and confidence back!

 

Please advise... I will take your advice to action. This entire experience has been through uncharted water for me.

 

J

[Sup]

Simon - Ok you are right. I need to snap out of this and I've never been like this before in my life. Yes, I've always been the dumper and I've always moved on never looking back. Confident and strong.

 

Now this girl is in my face everyday and I cant move on, shes found someone and im pining after her.. wishing I had her back and wishing I would have done things differently, wishing I would have treated her better, realized what I had, wanting to be a better person all around, reliving old memories, etc......

 

You know my situation and you have given me candid and brutally honest advice.

 

So how do I recitfy the behavior I've displayed, what should I do going forward now considering shes in my life every freakin day?

 

I still don't want to be her buddy, buddy friend right now and not sure if we can ever be, but I want my strength and confidence back!

 

Please advise... I will take your advice to action. This entire experience has been through uncharted water for me.

 

J

 

 

She KNOWS this, that's why she's torturing you. This IS on purpose, IMO, to hurt you for hurting her.

[Johnny B]

Perhaps I needed an encounter like the following to slap me in the face and to snap me out of this:

 

I walked into work yesterday and saw her coming into work side-by-side with her b/f. He was carrying a dufflebag obviously from a sleepover from the night before. And how nice was it that all 3 of us got into the elevator together!!

 

I said, "Hey" to her and looked straight ahead. That's it no other words were said to her or him. I could have made a comment right there about her emailing me about how nice my outfits at work have been looking, but I took the high road and pretended like it was a normal morning for me.

 

Since then it seems she's been going out of her way to avoid me... and good b/c there is absolutely nothing left for her to say to me, in a cute email or note or in person, and vise versa! Seriously, I'm done with this fiasco.. this is just ridiculous.

 

So that's an update.. thanks for listening... getting better one day at a time. And holding my head high again.

 

J

[HGP]

I could have made a comment right there about her emailing me about how nice my outfits at work have been looking,

That would have just made you look petty and made things awkward so good thing you didn't say anything. I haven't had the misfortune of running into the girl I want and her bf in a place as awkward as the elevator, but if I do I'll probably act polite and cheerful but not actually go out of my way to make conversation. Act like it doesn't bother me, project confidence and be on my way. At the very least you want to leave a good last impression.

[Sup]

However, if she keeps calling you, or talking to you, you KNOW you have a get out of jail free card. I mean just tell her boyfriend, over the phone, how she keeps bothering you, not for revenge of course, just to get her off your back. I think she knows that you had her dead to rights in the elevator, and may stop messin with your head, I hope so. SHE knows what she's been doing to you.

[simon sez]

Here is what you do... (this is what I have been telling you all along)

Read the following thread by another dumper. This is what WORKS....

 

 

He did something that really turned everything around. He got very busy, was always polite and courteous to me but never asked for anything in return emotionally and started to seem ok with us being separated. If he would have cut me off I think he would have looked psycho and like he was so into me he couldn't even deal with it, which would have been a turn off. His seeming to be ok with everything gave me the feeling of breathing room and like there was no pressure and I was free to begin to enjoy the idea of his company again. Everytime I wrote him, (which was not often and usually benign) he never waited to write, he always wrote right away, politley, to the point and never asking or needing anything ESPECIALLY anything emotional which was a huge weight off my shoulders and I started to feel less pressure and more like I wasn't as unhappy as I thought.

 

AS THE DUMPER, I began to see the good things about him and I was suprised that he was much more confident than I thought. That was a turn on and I began to feel I was wrong in dumping him.

[Erik]

She called and wanted to know if there were things I really wanted to talk about or if I considered this a date.

 

Seems she took my advice, after all.

[Johnny B]

So in about a month from now, my ex will be moving to a new group within our company. She'll still be on the same floor but it's large enough that rather than seeing AND hearing her everyday (which is now), I'll probably just see her once every few weeks or so.

Also, I found out through a work colleague that her new b/f (also working here), will be leaving shortly for his 6 month work assignment in Sydney.

 

Some people are telling me that the time apart will likely lead her to call me on a lonely night or call/email to ask if I want to get a drink as a friend, but..

 

1. I highly doubt this b/c from all indications.. she's fallen for this guy, it's been about 4 months together for them at this point and I think they spend every night together.

 

2. Although I broke up with her and feel tremendous pain, regret and remorse about it, I really don't think its a path I'll go down, if it happens at all. thats not the way its supposed to work if she wanted to be with me.

 

When I learned about her moving groups, I congratulated her when I passed her desk and said it's well deserved. She said thanks and as soon as I got back to my desk she had already written an email apologizing if she was short with me. She said that since I was clear that I dont want to be friends, she doesnt know how to react to me.

 

I said no, you weren't short and not to worry about it, b/c it really doesnt matter. I then just said that it was just congratulations and I'm happy for her.

 

She replys with, thanks for the well wishes and that shes hopes I'm happy in my new relationship (i think it got out that ive been dating a lot recently).

She also said that since I'm seemingly 'over' the whole thing (which is not true, but I've just been putting out a solid/strong/confident vibe out at work, i.e dating and I could care less about you and your new BF attitude), she wants me to RECONSIDER us being friends.

 

I'm thinking why on earth would I want to do that??? I throw you a congratulations on your promotion.. begin dressing EXTRA smart at work (to which she complements me on).. go back to my old ways of being super confident and secure... and she wants me to RECONSIDER???

 

Hmmm.... You think that just might be an message saying, while my b/f is away it would be great for us to be friends to hedge my position in case things dont pan out?

I THINK it means, Hey! it would be great for us to be friends and for you to keep me company while hes gone.. as a friends of course!

 

Yea, ok. Seriously.. I may have made the biggest mistake of my life by letting her go, but I am not a second string to anyone........ if one day down the road she's comes to my door or lets me know that she wants to try again..... Thats when it will happen.

 

But not like this.

 

Thoughts???

J

[Ssheena]

Just stop. Avoid her at all costs, go out of the way to not see her, take the stairs. Just stop everything.

 

Step away from the girl. Work on yourself.

[jmargel]

Stop reading into all of these things. This relationship that you two had is over. You are still hanging onto her words and unless you can stop doing that, you'll never be able to move on.

 

If you feel you have closure in all of this then accept it for what it is, and close this chapter. If you continue to linger around her, she'll just keep using you for a safety net and an ego-booster.

[Johnny B]

So for those of you are following my thread... here is where we are today.

 

Here bf left for job assignment to Austrailia for 6 months yesterday morning.

Not 8 hours went by before she called me at work, also knowing that I usually dont look at the caller ID when i pick up ... about a completely RANDOM question about how to file a claim with a credit card company about not getting the service/product you purchased.

She indicated that she was going to miss her flight for a weekend trip home and that the airline wont give her a refund AND she doesnt know what she should do.

Understand that this is a smart, independant, resoursefull girl that does not need anyones help for anything. Especially this type of situation where there was nothing i could do for her anyway.

She went on to say that she wasnt going to make it home this weekend and that she wasnt sure if she should come into work on Friday. She asked, 'what would you do.' I replied I dont know, do what you want. She kept me on for maybe 5 or 10 minutes, until i finally said.. ok listen i gotta go. She said thanks.. and i hung up.

 

Fast forward to about an hour ago.... She writes me a text message asking if I saw a certain movie yet that she knows that I wanted to see.

 

I didnt respond to the text message... my choices are: respond with, 'im not going to be your 'FRIEND' while your BF is on job assignment for 6 months.' Or I can just ignore it... which is exactly what im going to do.

 

But seriously everyone...... Her b/f has not been gone for more than 30 hours and she, 1. calls me at work yesterday to complain about how she wont make it home for the weekend and 2. Ask me out to the movies tonight???

 

If you are completely in love with this new guy, as she claims, can you really call up your ex and expect to have a nice friendly get together??? I've given her no indication that I want to be her friend, but she continues to press me on it.

And now that her b/f is gone... she has seriously changed her attitude toward me.

 

Whats the deal here... my plan is to ignore until i get the i made a mistake, i want you and not him conversation.......... until then..... IGNORE.

[CaliGuy]

Keep ignoring her.

 

She just wants you to fill in the time for her until her BF gets back. Then she'll kick you to the curb. Let her find someone else to "meet her needs" and get yours met with someone new!

[monkey00]

girls are like monkeys swinging from branch to branch, they dont let go of the old one until they secure a new branch.

 

Hard to say what her real agenda is, she could either

A) using you as a backup bf/ backburner

B) same with A, using you to cheat on the bf (or emotional cheating for that matter)

C) with him out of the picture, try to hook back up with you

 

But i think the obvious answer points to A. If it were really C, she would have broken up with him by now.

 

i dont see any reason why you cant have fun or go out with your ex. As long as you dont put all your eggs in one basket and see/date other girls you should be fine - if you're going to wind up emotionally involved with her, then ignore her as Caliguy said.

[Trialbyfire]

What's your time in the 100 meter dash? I hope it's fast because you need to get away from this girl, NOW, before she uses you.

[dropdeadlegs]

Do not fall for this or you will be back at square one.

 

I do not know her intentions, but they are out of line, nonetheless.

[garnet]

This girl sounds woefully immature and of questionable character. In the long run, I think you will look back and be glad that you did not get her back. Take the lesson you have learned from this relationship and keep your eyes open for a great new woman. As long as you are still playing this girl's game and analyzing what she's doing, you will not truly be open to new possibilities. Please walk away.

[Johnny B]

So I just found out that I too will be going away for a 3 month work placement in Rome, beginning in June. Since that time is coming up quickly, I decided to see what she really wanted with all of this new contact.

 

As you may know.. my ex's new b/f recently left on a 6 month trip to Sydney and she didn't hesitate to take the opportunity to try and rekindle our friendship... I was unsure of her intentions at first but now I'm very sure it is all she's looking for... Friendship.

 

In a nutshell from a lengthy conversation (4.5 hours) she told me that she accepts/understands/and forgives all of the things I've apologized for during our relationship. I told her that I was not right mentally, that I didn't know what I had until she was gone and that I've taken the time to make myself a better person, son, brother, friend and human being.

 

That being said.. she sounded somewhat hurt and also cheated that I could not have been this way with her then. I told her it was wrong and I was not right and that I probably would have broken up with Jessica Alba (or insert your fantasy) at that time because i was so completely lost/confused/self-centered.

 

She admitted that the highs we had are not a good with this new guy, but the lows we had are much lower than what she has now... so basically now she has a happy medium.

She said that he's 'good for her,'and that 'overall' it's the best relationship she's had. Coming from a girl who's had many bad relationships I think thats a clincher to her wanting to be with him long-term... she admitted that they've talked about marriage but that there are lots of issues to work out first (i would hope so after just knowing someone for 4 months).

 

I asked her if she ever thought of us getting back together and responded,

'I would not want to go back to the way things were, but if we were both single, I would want to see the new you. I still think about the highs that we had, but I won't give up the good thing that I have now for a 'whatif.''

 

Even though I told her that there was no more 'what if' left, obviously she's not going to take that risk right now or possibly ever. Basically means that shes happy I changed and if we ever meet again.. and for some unheard of reason that they're not together (highly doubtfull), she would want to try again... not very promissing.. but pretty much what I expected.

 

So in the end, that's it... she understands fully that I've changed but now that's she's found someone thats good for her, she doesnt want to try again with me.

 

I guess this goes to show all of you missing the one you lost...... You CAN go out there and find someone else to make you not want your ex back. Take her and me... she found someone else who makes her happier or at least what she will accepts for happiness since she admitted that she still thinks of me and our 'highs.' (on a side note she didnt want to go into what that really meant 'out of respect to the new ppl we're dating.' - go figure.)

 

Either way.. I hope Rome will allow me to move on from this. I hope I can use the 3 months to get on and hope that it doesn't become a place for me to mourn all on my own without any friends and family to support me. I'm afraid of this happening.

 

thanks for listening...

J