aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 It makes me feel ill and it hurts all over again. I feel fine some days and dare I say happy. I'm keeping busy, going to therapy, working out harder, and have been going NC for the entire time besides her just contacting me regarding the divorce (we're not using lawyers). I can't seem to let go completely yet and it's been 2 months. I think I've accepted it is over, I certainly don't want her back in my life, I dread checking my email or voice mail for fear she might have contacted me, I don't really care with whom she is with or what she is doing (even when she rubs it in my face. I GET IT you are happy with someone else!) and yet I still feel like crap. I'm angry about the way she treated me, at the physical and emotional abuse, the way she always played the victim, and how she blames me for everything including her infidelity. Is it just now strictly a matter of time? Why does she still haunt my dreams? I'm ready to file the divorce papers this minute she just needs to notarize and return the settlement agreement we have. Could this little procedure be holding me back somehow? I don't get it, why do I still feel so dead inside? I want to move on with my life so badly Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 It makes me feel ill and it hurts all over again. I feel fine some days and dare I say happy. I'm keeping busy, going to therapy, working out harder, and have been going NC for the entire time besides her just contacting me regarding the divorce (we're not using lawyers). I can't seem to let go completely yet and it's been 2 months. I think I've accepted it is over, I certainly don't want her back in my life, I dread checking my email or voice mail for fear she might have contacted me, I don't really care with whom she is with or what she is doing (even when she rubs it in my face. I GET IT you are happy with someone else!) and yet I still feel like crap. How do you know she is happy, if she can jump right into another relationship I feel she hasn't worked on what it takes to be happy. I'm angry about the way she treated me, at the physical and emotional abuse, the way she always played the victim, and how she blames me for everything including her infidelity. It's a lot easier to blame someone else then to look inside ourselves and work on our own demons. Is it just now strictly a matter of time? Why does she still haunt my dreams? I'm ready to file the divorce papers this minute she just needs to notarize and return the settlement agreement we have. Could this little procedure be holding me back somehow? I don't get it, why do I still feel so dead inside? I want to move on with my life so badly Not sure how long you were married but 2 months isn't squat! It took me that long just to get my finance situation straightened out and all the bills straightened out. You are doing exactly what you need to be doing, working at bettering yourself. 3 months will pass then 6 then a year & as you look back you will see the progress that you have made & how much better you feel about yourself and as for the X I would bet she will be in the same situation as she is now and there is a good chance she will be on her own or have another boy toy by then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted February 23, 2007 Author Share Posted February 23, 2007 Thanks for the encouragement. We were together for 6 years married for 3. You're right I don't know if she is happy. But I do remember while I was still living with her trying to get my new living arrangements in order, she was always calling him, packing lingerie to go spend the night, telling me he has told her he wants to marry her, have children, etc. I feel it's kind of weird since well we are still married and she had only known him about a month, but what the hell do I know. It was, needless to say, an incredibly hurtful experience and one I hope never to repeat. I guess 2 months is really nothing and I suppose I'm better now than I was a few weeks ago. Betrayal is certainly something difficult to take even if the person is up front about it Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Like I said just keep doing what you are doing and you will see if you do things to make yourself a better person things will look up. Bettering yourself is a very powerful thing & it does make you feel good. Link to post Share on other sites
stubbornbutnice Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 You know I hate to hear that you are feeling so badly still. You were doing so much better... I know how it is though. When I'm ignoring or avoiding my H I feel better. Every time I talk to him I feel awful again. I think for me it's the anger at the way he's handling this... like it means nothing. I wish you were using lawyers, only because if she had a question she could just call your attorney (I know it's not possible for you). Maybe you could ask her to email you only, and only if it is really important. Maybe you could tell her that you are just past the point of needing to hear her voice on your voicemail... you don't think of her as someone who is in your life anymore, and therefore it would be better if communication were limited to typing. Let her know that you have moved on, even if you aren't feeling it yet... and you don't need her interupting your new life. I know that this whole thing sucks... you know I know. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep chatting with us here on LS. We'll always listen... and I'm sure there are a few people on here, that if you paid them enough, would come and beat someone up for you:o . Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyStar26 Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I guess 2 months is really nothing and I suppose I'm better now than I was a few weeks ago. Betrayal is certainly something difficult to take even if the person is up front about it My current BF and his ex wife split up 4 years ago this July. They were together for 13 years, married for 6 and have two children together. My BF has opened up to me and given me a detailed commentary about his marriage and why he felt they divorced (she left him for another (younger) man, who she now has a baby boy with), and I am pretty sure he has mostly gotten over it all now. He doesn't hate her, he doesn't like her, he just feel "indifferent" towards her I suppose. He has always proclaimed and stuck by the notion that it took him one month for every year that they were together, to get over her, give or take a little bit, so it took him nye on 13 months to start feeling truly "happy" again. So, if the same theory works for you, you've only got 4 more months and life will be sweet again!! I know that sounds like a long time, but think about it in the grand scheme of things it's nothing really, and it's not like 4 months are going to go by and then "WHACK" sudddenly one day you are right as rain again, its a gradual process and as each, hour and day and week goes past, you will heal and grow again, and start to realise that life is still worth living, no matter what. It will be hard, but you WILL survive it. And when you feel strong enough you can start to look through the window of your soul again and work out what went wrong in your marriage and how you can avoid the same thing happening in future relationships. As the saying goes.... Whatever doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger Link to post Share on other sites
Author aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted February 23, 2007 Author Share Posted February 23, 2007 It comes and goes. Some days I do so well and can see a future so clearly while other days I feel so down (especially the ones where she contacts me). I've heard the same rule of thumb one month for every year you were together. What I'm really looking forward to is getting this divorce finalized, because I feel for some reason I'm holding onto something and I think it might have something to do with the fact that I haven't filed yet. I believe overall that it is just my ego that refuses to get around the fact that I was replaced so easily. The LTR thing I've done before, but I've never in my life been treated with such contempt, visciousness, and utter lack of respect especially by someone I cared for and trusted so deeply. She has at once been both the sweetest and most venemous woman that I have ever known. I wish that communicating by email would be easier, but it can be just as hard sometimes. Here's looking forward to the 6th month! Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 I wish that communicating by email would be easier, but it can be just as hard sometimes. Here's looking forward to the 6th month! For me I don't like communicating with email when it comes to serious topics because it very easy to take something the wrong way. Me & the W have chatted in email & then afterwards talk on the phone or in person and we find out that we didn't mean how it came across the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted March 1, 2007 Author Share Posted March 1, 2007 Either way by email or by phone it is painful, although, I've been getting more and more comfortable with the idea of talking to her by phone. Now all of a sudden she doesn't want to talk to me by phone anymore and just wants me to email her if anything comes up. Any ways I had a really great session with the therapist that opened my eyes. She asked me if I saw myself getting married again. I said yes and she asked me why? I said b/c I have a lot of love in me and I want to share that with someone special and have a family. So she told me to really picture my son/daughter in this family. When i was ready, she asked me to now imagine my current STBXW as their mother and what kind of mother she would be to them. I actually cringed and felt physically ill. It certainly made me rethink what it was I saw in her. I suppose I did love her once if I married her. Is this common for a person to rewrite the history of the relationship in negative terms when the relationship goes sour? I think we had good times...I think. Link to post Share on other sites
stubbornbutnice Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Usually the initiator is the one who rewrites the history so that they can feel less guilty/ responsible for their decision... For me now that the pain is subsiding a little and I'm more focused on myself I'm remembering the things that he did that were crappy, the fights that we had that I had blocked out, and the way he made me feel sometimes, like I wasn't important enough or a priority. It's hard not to romanticize everything at first becuase you are so blindsided that all you are focusing on is getting them back. I think it's good that your counselor opened your eyes to some new things... you gained a new perspective there. I do remember the good more then the bad... but little by little I'm seeing the cracks in the wall... it's better for you and moving forward that you are starting to see the cracks as well... Link to post Share on other sites
Author aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 I was certainly idealizing her for sometime. Lately though I have been really seeing how manipulative she was/is, her smothering neediness (for years she had no outside interests or other friends), and her temper. Why are we sometimes so blind!? The writing was on the wall from the beginning! Red flags were waving all around. I must have been color blind. Link to post Share on other sites
AHIWON Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 I was certainly idealizing her for sometime. Lately though I have been really seeing how manipulative she was/is, her smothering neediness (for years she had no outside interests or other friends), and her temper. Why are we sometimes so blind!? The writing was on the wall from the beginning! Red flags were waving all around. I must have been color blind. I did the same thing. I won't ever get involved with the same red flags waiving again tho. Any red flags for that matter. 13 years is a heavy price for a lesson. I knew it years ago but just kept thinking it would someday the relationship would get better. It doesn't, it gets worse. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 I did the same thing. I won't ever get involved with the same red flags waiving again tho. Any red flags for that matter. 13 years is a heavy price for a lesson. I knew it years ago but just kept thinking it would someday the relationship would get better. It doesn't, it gets worse. Its true... many of us go into relationships with only the best intentions.. and no actual clue how to be in a relationship... we need the other person... etc. I for one through much of my reading.. and self reflection... came to realise this. There are so many things that can go wrong in a relationship.... the one thing you can prevent... is you going wrong... you do this by getting a clue. Read ... and learn... I truly had no idea what it truly meant to be in a meaningful relationship. Now I do... I realise what it takes.... the commitment... the ability to change... with the relationship... (growing) To understand where your partner is coming from. Personal counselling.. is a great eye opener too... can help lead you down the path of self realisation... learn how to focus on the right things... and dump the crap. ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
AHIWON Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 Near exactly my thoughts ilmw. I know enough now about relationships to let me know of how little I actually really knew. I have lots to learn. I forgot to mention in my own thread that I have made arrangements for IC today. Don't have a first appointment yet but I am interested in seeing what it is all about. It certainly can't make anything any worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted March 3, 2007 Author Share Posted March 3, 2007 Well in that case I'm going through a crash course in relationships! I've done so much reading the last couple of months and now feel so much better prepared for what may come in future relationships. I understand and accept personal responsiblity for all my actions and am now trying to understand which of those need revision. It's the only way to go, but at times it feels like the pain will never go away. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 Near exactly my thoughts ilmw. I know enough now about relationships to let me know of how little I actually really knew. I have lots to learn. I forgot to mention in my own thread that I have made arrangements for IC today. Don't have a first appointment yet but I am interested in seeing what it is all about. It certainly can't make anything any worse. Whooohoooo~! You're fifty percent there! OooooooRaaaahhhh! :bunny: :bunny: Its not her, and her BS, it Y O U! Link to post Share on other sites
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