Where are all the bitter women?

[burning 4 revenge]

So I post a question asking where are all the bitter women, and the only really bitter responses come from men. The women seem hopeful and pretty well-adjusted.

 

It seems to me that men take breakups much harder.

You have to concede that women have it easier

[Trialbyfire]

You have to concede that women have it easier

Huh? Could you please explain that comment?

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

So I post a question asking where are all the bitter women, and the only really bitter responses come from men. The women seem hopeful and pretty well-adjusted.

 

It seems to me that men take breakups much harder.

 

 

It may be because women are generally kinder to themselves, and hence less bitter overall.

 

However, despite all the seemingly staunch misogynists, men are also the ones who can flip over from being bitter to being with yet another woman relatively quicker.

 

On the other hand, women have astounding long term memory. They tend to carry over their past.

 

Perhaps it's just how men and women are genetically wired. At the risk of sounding like an anthropologist from the 70's - men look for procreation potential, women look for nurturing potential.

 

Consequently, both can choose to be bitter, but neither is entirely comfortable being so.

[magichands]

I think "genetics" is all too often used as an excuse for lack of strength of character.

 

As for evidence of bitterness having a gender bias, I see none of that.

[johan]

As for evidence of bitterness having a gender bias, I see none of that.

 

Really? So you've seen it here on LS? Women are just as bitter as men?

[magichands]

Really? So you've seen it here on LS? Women are just as bitter as men?

Yes. I suppose you want me to quote my sources. I see plenty of evidence on both sides of the... of the... condom??

[Art_Critic]

Really? So you've seen it here on LS? Women are just as bitter as men?

 

I wonder if it is because of the nurturing side of women that they get rid of the bitterness before they have a chance to come to a place like LS and post..

 

Maybe women just handle and get rid of it differently/quicker so we don't notice that they even had the bitterness.. more forgiving ?

[lonelybird]

Maybe woman has smaller ego than men? ego define people from outside things, experiences and materials. if love feeling died yet still hurt, then need to throw the ego out of the window. Ok, I am going.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I wonder if it is because of the nurturing side of women that they get rid of the bitterness before they have a chance to come to a place like LS and post..

 

Maybe women just handle and get rid of it differently/quicker so we don't notice that they even had the bitterness.. more forgiving ?

 

That's what I think, too.

 

As always, there are exceptions to the rule.

 

So, my take on it is - yes, you can find bitterness among both sexes. They just handle it differently, for different reasons.

 

Yeah. That's what. They just employ different techniques for bitterness management.

[burning 4 revenge]

Men seem to be more inclined to kill women than vice versa, so perhaps there's a more violent anger in men.

 

Who knows?

[Storyrider]

This is just one theory, but women want to be liked. They want to come across as positive. On another recent thread, several women (and some men) said they will stuff their opinions to avoid conflict on LS. So they may feel bitter but not feel comfortable saying it.

 

Often, men don't care as much about whether others like them.

 

I would like to think women are just more highly evolved and emotionally mature, but I'm still working on proof to back that one up.

[dropdeadlegs]

This is just one theory, but women want to be liked. They want to come across as positive. On another recent thread, several women (and some men) said they will stuff their opinions to avoid conflict on LS. So they may feel bitter but not feel comfortable saying it.

 

Often, men don't care as much about whether others like them.

 

I would like to think women are just more highly evolved and emotionally mature, but I'm still working on proof to back that one up.

I don't have proof, but I've got your back!

[kitten chick]

So I post a question asking where are all the bitter women, and the only really bitter responses come from men. The women seem hopeful and pretty well-adjusted.

 

It seems to me that men take breakups much harder.

 

Come on Johan, you're pretty smart, I don't believe that you really think that. First of all I know that you've been on here long enough to see bitter women on here although I will agree that there are certainly a lot less on here now while there are still many bitter men here. Ponder that one for a while.

 

Second of all we know that women, in general, have better support systems and they are more likely to turn to their friends than places like LS. So you don't really see all of the women and how hard they take breakups because they're not coming to LS to express it. And from personal experience I can certainly say my friends kicked my butt when I would say bitter things and they tried to comfort me when I was sad about a breakup. And of course, women are more likely to accept therapy as a viable option to deal with their problems than men...and that I have DEFINITELY seen in real life...so they are less likely to come to places like LS.

 

I can only talk from my personal experience but I worked my tail off for the past 2 years to get rid of my bitterness and bring myself back to the place I was at before all of the things that happened to me occurred. I've been to 3 therapists and tried 3 different medications over the past 2 years (although I will admit the meds were to fix what happened to me with the BC). I'm no longer on medication (Yay!) but I'm still with a great therapist bi-weekly. I have not in my life come across a man that would go to such lengths to help themselves. I've known many who have said they tried therapy but they hated it so they stopped or that they didn't really need it and one or two sessions was just fine for them. They've rejected it because they're "guy(s) and [they] don't need to deal with their emotions" or "there is nothing wrong with them". That's just BS but I've heard that excuse so many times but most women I know have done at least a little stint in therapy at some point in their lives.

[Woggle]

If you go on other websites you will see bitter women who make even the worst misogynists on here look tame. Bitterness has no gender. Also men and women deal with bitterness in different ways. When I am in a woman hating mood I vent on here instead of taking it out on my wife or other women around me. I don't walk around 24/7 in my life bashing women.

[nicki]

Magic Hands, I liked your joke about "bitter men." (An apple a day can make them taste sweeter. )

 

Back to the topic at hand, bitter women don't try to figure things out, so they probably don't post here on LS. Or they come here after they are done feeling bitter.

 

For me, bitterness is a temporary state that I invoke to protect myself from getting into another bad situation too fast.

 

If I'm bitter, then I'm not out with a rebound guy. I'm at home licking my wounds, keeping to myself, talking to friends, and getting stronger emotionally. I'm protecting myself.

 

When I feel stronger, I feel hopeful again and the bitterness goes away.....but I've learned what traps to avoid in the future.

 

Long term bitterness is really just fear that the same bad thing will happen again. To me, bitterness is a complete giving up of control and responsibility.

 

If the same bad thing happens, I have a plan to spot it sooner and get the hell out of Dodge (City)!

 

Women usually want to understand what happened and work on ridding themselves of bitterness so they can move on and feel good again. It's hard to be bitter and happy, isn't is?

 

I think a lot of men are bitter because they really do want things to change. They are the ones who want to believe that best possibility does exist.

 

But being bitter and hopeful don't mix either. Having hope requires strength and action. Bitterness requires nothing but blame and fear, and seems to be a necessary temporary coping mechanism in response to overwhelming circumstances, but not meant to be a long term frame of mind.

[serial muse]

Here's a thought. More women than men are diagnosed with depression, which is sometimes defined as anger turned inward.

 

I do think that more women than men also seek external help, which could account for quite a lot of the disparity in the depression diagnosis.

 

But that aside, I also think that many women are more willing than men to turn their analysis inward and find ways to be angry at and blame themselves.

 

That is particularly true on LS. The women who come to LS and stick around tend to be the soul-searching types, who want to understand themselves and figure out, perhaps, what inside them is responsible for things that have gone wrong in their relationships. They may express anger at exes, but it quickly turns back around into them wondering what's wrong with themselves.

 

On the other hand, some of the men who are here - and I do not say ALL men, but certainly many of the louder ones - appear to see their presence on LS, not as a way to explore themselves and what they bring to the table, but as a way to provide Public Service Announcements about why women are basically evil.

 

It's a public message board, so everyone's entitled to use it how they will. But in my opinion, that's why there's a dichotomy of bitterness here.

 

Many of the more vocal women turn inward to blame, and many of the more vocal men turn outward. Unfortunately, it creates an atmosphere in which both women and men think women are at fault. Fortunately, there are plenty of rational people (of both genders!!) around to counter that, and hopefully they won't go away any time soon.

 

That's me trying very hard to be hopeful and forward-looking, rather than bitter, about the boards.

[lindya]

That is particularly true on LS. The women who come to LS and stick around tend to be the soul-searching types, who want to understand themselves and figure out, perhaps, what inside them is responsible for things that have gone wrong in their relationships. They may express anger at exes, but it quickly turns back around into them wondering what's wrong with themselves.

 

On the other hand, some of the men who are here - and I do not say ALL men, but certainly many of the louder ones - appear to see their presence on LS, not as a way to explore themselves and what they bring to the table, but as a way to provide Public Service Announcements about why women are basically evil.

 

That's a pretty good description of it. It's basic human nature to avoid taking responsibility for problems, and pass it on to someone else. Some posters are here in an effort to move beyond that kind of thinking, while others are just here to reinforce it.

 

I think bitterness is a pretty normal reaction when you feel that life has dealt you a few rough blows, and when someone's still feeling very raw about a painful, unfair episode in their life then a bit of tolerance about their bitterness doesn't go amiss. Unfortunately when bitterness wins people attention and sympathy, they sometimes seem to get addicted to it. The less sympathetic reactions from others will also feed into it as the person falls into that "look? See how people treat me? Isn't it awful??" mode.

 

Many of the more vocal women turn inward to blame, and many of the more vocal men turn outward. Unfortunately, it creates an atmosphere in which both women and men think women are at fault.

 

I'm as wary of people who are forever heaping blame on themselves as I am of those who are constantly seeking to pile blame on others. Often the result of someone flagellating and blaming themselves is that other people pile in protectively with "it's not you - it's all the fault of that evil bastard who hurt you" comments.

 

Watching that scenario play out time and time again on here, has encouraged me to check myself for tendencies to use self blame as a pre-emptive strike. Question whether there are times I've used it to gather sympathy and ward off other people's efforts to make me take a bit of responsibility. It's certainly more difficult to tell a person to shape up and take some ownership over their problems, when they seem to be constantly flagellating and hating themselves.

 

In some ways the bitter, terminally angry (whether aggressively or passively in the form of self blame) posters can help others to move on. They're a lesson on who not to be, and so they tend to bring out the rational, balanced side in others who want to distance themselves from all that depressing, unappealing and ultimately futile bitterness.

[Storyrider]

I'm as wary of people who are forever heaping blame on themselves as I am of those who are constantly seeking to pile blame on others. Often the result of someone flagellating and blaming themselves is that other people pile in protectively with "it's not you - it's all the fault of that evil bastard who hurt you" comments.

 

Very insightful point.

[lindya]

Very insightful point.

 

Thanks for that Storyrider. Not to sound bitter, but by tomorrow all our efforts at analysis will be lost in a thick fog of rationalisations. "How I earned the right to be in a permanent state of anger about the opposite sex, and why I will spend the rest of my life tirelessly working to ensure that others achieve my same state of enlightened gloom and pent up fury."

[serial muse]

I'm as wary of people who are forever heaping blame on themselves as I am of those who are constantly seeking to pile blame on others. Often the result of someone flagellating and blaming themselves is that other people pile in protectively with "it's not you - it's all the fault of that evil bastard who hurt you" comments.

 

Watching that scenario play out time and time again on here, has encouraged me to check myself for tendencies to use self blame as a pre-emptive strike. Question whether there are times I've used it to gather sympathy and ward off other people's efforts to make me take a bit of responsibility. It's certainly more difficult to tell a person to shape up and take some ownership over their problems, when they seem to be constantly flagellating and hating themselves.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with this, lindya. I do think that seeing that scenario play out time and again on LS has made me more aware of when I do it, too - and my statement that that is what I observe on these boards should in no way be taken as advocating that point of view.

 

Whether one chooses to play the victim actively, by accusing, or passively, by navel-gazing, is still unhealthy and a barrier to moving on. Both can be equally frustrating.

 

I admit, though, that on the whole, I do find it far less annoying to hear someone proclaim "I suck" over and over again than to hear "you all suck" ad inifinitum. Maybe because it's a lot easier to believe that a single person might have that level of insight into themselves, rather than into billions of people they've actually never met.

[Trialbyfire]

While I agree with most of what you ladies are saying, keep in mind that there is an adjustment period that everyone goes through after a break-up, separation or divorce. During this adjustment period, people need to come to terms with what caused the dissolution of the relationship. Most of the time, emotions bounce back and forth due to whatever external influences that are unknown to most of us when we read each others' text. Most people will slowly but surely get to a point where they realize that it takes two to tango but there are situations where people are outright victimized.

[JackJack]

Where are all the bitter women?

 

I dunno, where all the bitter women are, hiding under a rock maybe? I do know of right many bitter women, but do you think they would openly admit they were? Nope! But their actions sure say different.

[lindya]

I admit, though, that on the whole, I do find it far less annoying to hear someone proclaim "I suck" over and over again than to hear "you all suck" ad inifinitum.

 

True. At least "I suck" indicates some potential for the situation to be improved.

 

While I agree with most of what you ladies are saying, keep in mind that there is an adjustment period that everyone goes through after a break-up, separation or divorce.

 

Yes, which is why most people will give a bit of leeway to friends who are being irrational, bitter or a bit emotionally draining after they've been through a break up.

 

I wouldn't condemn someone for feeling a bit bitter when they're feeling as though life has dished several injustices out to them. What pisses me off a bit is when people believe that those feelings of bitterness entitle them to endlessly fling their own crap at the opposite sex on sites like this.

 

If you go on other websites you will see bitter women who make even the worst misogynists on here look tame.

Were I so inclined I've no doubt I could find dozens of sites where men engage in group fantasy about raping and assaulting "worthless whores". What's your point? Must we judge humanity by digging up and examining the seediest and most unsavoury examples of it?

 

Bitterness has no gender. Also men and women deal with bitterness in different ways. When I am in a woman hating mood I vent on here instead of taking it out on my wife or other women around me. I don't walk around 24/7 in my life bashing women.

 

 

So what are you saying here? You can't manage conflict effectively and maturely, so you come here to spout impotent rage and insulting generalisations about women...while in the real world you spend your life biting your tongue because you're afraid of what might happen if you say what you really think?

 

Your castration anxiety has been expressed on here frequently, and you continually blame women for it. From what you're saying, it's actually life itself that creates that anxiety for you. You're telling us that in real life you can't be the person you portray yourself as on this board...so who are you really? Are you the take-no-sh*t guy you claim to be here, or are you the guy who can't speak his mind in real life, so saves it all up to vent on a message board? Maybe it's time you introduced those two different characters and started merging them into one individual who's more assertive and effective, less bitter and powerless.

[cutegirl]

I'm bitter mainly from things I notice and observe. I would say a very high percentage of men screw hookers, call-girls, prostitutes, solicit sex, go on sex vacations and cheat on their girlfriends and wives...

 

I don't see have anything morally against prostitution because I'm not religious and frankly could care less what other people do, I only care when it affects me directly, say if someone I'm seeing is or was once involved in these things... I basically don't want used goods.

 

A lot of men have problems with their partners past if their wives/girlfriends have a lot of partners etc I am the same way. I don't want a "slutty man" that has banged a bunch of whores or just banged a lot of women in general, I want someone who hasn't had a lot of partners.

 

There's a lot of whore mongers among men, you only have to browse the escort forums etc to see for yourself. They even have topics like "Good tips to hide whore mongering from your wife" etc I would guess that perhaps 70 percent of men in the U.S are whoremongers or have slept with a whore sometime in their life.

 

I think the majority of men are cheaters and are just biologically geared to want to disperse their seed in as many holes as they can, it's very hard for them to control it, it's just in their natural instinct to cheat and be promiscuous.

 

Therefore I don't trust any men. I'm 28 and only been with 2 guys my entire life and I went through a patch where I didn't have sex, didn't date, didn't kiss, didn't do anything with a guy for over 6 years or so (from around age 20-26 I was completely alone, I chose to not even DATE).

 

And if my relationship right now doesn't work out I would have no problem being alone for the rest of my life. I never wanted kids so that's not a problem for me. Plus I make very good money and am able to go anywhere I want, and buy just about anything I need for myself.

 

I'll just buy some cats or dogs and talk to them for companionship.

[sb129]

CuteGirl, you certainly do sound bitter.

 

I know you said its because of observations you have made, but has anything actually happened to you personally?

There are loads of faithful, loving monogamous men out there. They aren't all womanising, whoremongering, cheating scoundrels!

 

I have had my share of not very nice men, but I am glad I didn't give up on them, cos now I have a lovely one.

 

I used to not be so bothered about having kids etc, and I make good money too, so thats not a great issue.

But now I have met someone I can envisage a decent future with, I think having kids and building a life with him will be amazing.

 

I hope you aren't bitter forever. Life is too short.