Lost two good "friends" in one night

[big_girls_rock]

Talk about drama. Now I'm usually the type that dosn't follow it, and I don't like it around me but these past few days have been full of it.

 

 

 

3 days ago I decided to meet up with my close guy friend Nate. We met at school and have been unseperable ever since and we are always finding ways to hang out since we have so much in common. Nick has a girlfriend, and at the time I had a boyfriend but even though the flirting was apperent, we never took it any further.

 

We decided to catch a late movie one night and I brought my friend Dedra with me. Turns out that we missed the movie so we decided to hang out and then eventually watch a movie at his place. Dedra and Nate got along great and I didn't have a problem with it because I like my friends to like eachother.

 

Earlier in the day Dedra and I had a conversation about friendship and certain boundaries. We stated that we would never date eachother's exes and even someone that one of us had an eye on. I take my friendships seriously and would never inttentially hurt any of my friends.

 

Meanwhile we are watching the movie and Dedra and Nate start to have a thumb war, I sat on one side of him and Dedra sat on the opposite. Though the "thumbwar game" under the blanket kind of bothered me, I blew it off because he was also kidding around and poking the both of us off and on durring the movie. I recieved a text message from a friend and the next thing I know I hear kissing from the two. I was so shocked that I decided to leave them alone and go in the other room to finish my conversation with my friend. She called me because I told her what was going on and when I got off the phone I was heated. How could Dedra, my "friend" do the same thing that was so called off limits a few hours ago to me. And how could Nate disrespect me and make out with my friends without my consent. #1 He has a girlfriend who he supposedly loves and #2 I didn't introduce my friend to you so you can take advantage, thats just disrepectful.

 

Because it was getting really late and I had class in the morning I went in the room where they were to tell Dedra to get ready to leave so I wouldn't sleep through class and I saw one head at one end of the couch under the blanket and anoter, Nate pokes his head out from the other side and has the nerve to ask if he could have just 5 more minutes. ( he was clearly going down on her )I was appauled and left the room. Five minutes later they emerge and I'm already pissed and out the door. I didn't even say two words to Nate, and when Dedra and I got in the car I told her the hell off. She said that she was sorry, and that she really didn't know what was going through her head, most of the time she listened while I voiced myself.

 

What I really wanted to do was go the hell off on the both of them. I should've turned to them when they started making out said what I had to say and just left. However I was at his place in the middle of nowhere and Dedra had driven. What puts the icing on the cake is that the next day her mother kicked her out and sent her away to live with her aunt in another state. What killed me was my easy manner on the whole situation. Because I had forgiven her so easily we were still talking after that night and I even helped her pack up her things for her big move. Though she appologized, she still bligerently speaks to him as if nothing happened, in fact they were on the phone with eachother while I was helping her pack her things.

 

 

 

I'm angry that I could've dealt with things a lot differently. I should've stormed out of there instead of letting them have their fun as if it wasn't bothering me. Second, instead of me ignoring him ( like I have been, he has been calling my cell off the wall ) I should be ignoring her as well. I don't know why I refuse to speak to him, but I speak to her as if things were fine. She dosn't deserve my friendship for her betrayal. I can't be too mad at him because its not like he's my boyfriend, he has his own girlfriend. I think I'm just pissed because he disrespected me by ignoring me and sucking lips with my friend who he just met, not only that, I'm the one he comes to with his girlfriend problems, how she has hurt him, yet he comes back to her and then he pulls this bull****. Before all of this happened I had a really good relationship with both these people but I guess I need to be careful who I introduce my friends to. Dedra has a history with this. This isn't the first time she stole one of my friends and "wooed them" She has a history of sleeping with a lot of men not to mention a few of our friends' crushes whom they don't know about. My concern is, should I speak to him and try to patch things up? And should I cut tithes with her because she knew the outcome of her actions before she did them. He necessarily dosn't know how much I actually like him.

[blue16]

I think what this really boils down to is jealousy. Your friend Dedra hooked up with your 'guy friend' and you're jealous. I know you and Nate are 'just friends' but it's pretty obvious that you like this guy. Also, did you tell Dedra that you like this guy - or did you tell him it was just a friend? I mean if you didn't really say anything...how is she to know that something is (or isn't) going on between you two? On the flip side, I have a few female friends who I would introduce to my guy friends and if they hooked up or whatever I wouldn't have a problem with it. And again, I don't really find anything wrong with what she did unless you told her that you like Nate.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would distance yourself from Nate. It's pretty apparent you have feelings for him. He's a taken man (sorta, even tho he just cheated on his gf) and you have to realize that you can't really be 'just friends' with this guy. When you're getting jealous because your friend hooked up with him, it's pretty clear-cut that you can't be true friends with Nate because he is just gonna cause you more heart break and problems down the road. I mean, if you want to remain friends with him just for the sake of keeping the friendship, it's all yours. But be aware of the stress and emotional wrenching that will no doubt come along with it.

[big_girls_rock]

I'm sorry, I should've made myself a lot clearer. YES! I was a bit jealous because she KNEW I liked him. The conversation that we had earlier consisted of that. Before I even introduced them I told Dedra that I really, really liked Nate but we were both in other relationships. He likes me, I liked him and she knew it. That's why I felt betrayed. Call it jealousy all you want but this is very odd behavior from the both of them and I have the right to be jealous because my so called "friend" hooked up with a guy that I liked after we promised that we wouldn't do that to eachother. After meeting her Nate just wasn't the same person I know. This guy wouldn't hurt a fly let alone his girlfriend of three years. And Dedra is permiscuous but I would'nt have ever imagined her pulling a stunt like this.

[big_girls_rock]

If I were in your shoes, I would distance yourself from Nate. It's pretty apparent you have feelings for him. He's a taken man (sorta, even tho he just cheated on his gf) and you have to realize that you can't really be 'just friends' with this guy.

 

The thing is, I CAN just be friends with him and I have been. Yes, we flirted and hung out a lot but I know my boundaries with taken men.

 

When you're getting jealous because your friend hooked up with him, it's pretty clear-cut that you can't be true friends with Nate because he is just gonna cause you more heart break and problems down the road. I mean, if you want to remain friends with him just for the sake of keeping the friendship, it's all yours. But be aware of the stress and emotional wrenching that will no doubt come along with it.

 

 

 

I disagree, of all the women in the world, I would give a fiddlers fart who he hooked up with! I'm serious, I'm not his girlfriend so I could care less, the fact of the matter is, it was my friend! Who I've told that this guy was off limits and she agreed but didn't keep her end of the bargain. Nate has a lot of female friends, I trust that he didn't do anything with him because of the relationship that we had, he would hang out and call me, but it didn't go further because I knew his committment to his girlfriend. On the other hand Dedra had told me that he in fact hasn't skrewed around with other girls because he told her that it had "been a while". His gf has been locked up for a few months, this is the first he's done this. He could have sex with an army of women, but my friend? thats where the jealousy actually comes out. I know he has other friends and I've never lifted an eyebrow because I seriously could care less.

[amerikajin]

I disagree, of all the women in the world, I would give a fiddlers fart who he hooked up with! I'm serious, I'm not his girlfriend so I could care less, the fact of the matter is, it was my friend!

 

I think what you're trying to say is that you would have rather this been done in a more discreet manner, but instead your girl friend and Nate threw it all in your face, and so normally, the feelings that you have for Nate came to the surface, even though it might not have been so bad if it were a girl you did not know in some house across town. I can understand that, I guess. But it is still jealousy, though. It's just that in this case, you're jealous because someone is introducing you to a situation you did not expect, and it arouses those feelings when you might have otherwise not felt anything.

[whichwayisup]

Bottomline, the guy has a girlfriend and I'm sure his girlfriend wouldn't like the fact that you have the hots for 'her' guy.

 

You and Nate better talk about the 'friendship' and what you both want from eachother.

 

And, as for your girl friend - Work it out. IF you truely love her and have a good friendship with her, talk to her.

[big_girls_rock]

I think what you're trying to say is that you would have rather this been done in a more discreet manner, but instead your girl friend and Nate threw it all in your face, and so normally, the feelings that you have for Nate came to the surface, even though it might not have been so bad if it were a girl you did not know in some house across town. I can understand that, I guess. But it is still jealousy, though. It's just that in this case, you're jealous because someone is introducing you to a situation you did not expect, and it arouses those feelings when you might have otherwise not felt anything.

 

 

I absolutely agree, I am jealous, but if he's single or not, if i told her I liked him, she should'nt have done it.

[big_girls_rock]

Bottomline, the guy has a girlfriend and I'm sure his girlfriend wouldn't like the fact that you have the hots for 'her' guy.

 

You and Nate better talk about the 'friendship' and what you both want from eachother.

 

And, as for your girl friend - Work it out. IF you truely love her and have a good friendship with her, talk to her.

 

I agree, she wouldn't like me "liking" her bf, but it was under wraps, we were just friends. As far as I know, they may longer be gf and bf if she ever finds out about this. As far as Nate and I, I still havn't talked to him and don't plan on doing so for a while. Dedra and I have made up somewhat but I am still angry at her, it helps that she is in another state now.

[CardPlay3r]

You want to have your cake and eat it too...you had a boyfriend but still liked nate more than a friend and were jealous when he was with someone...obviously that's not just a friendship

[big_girls_rock]

You want to have your cake and eat it too...you had a boyfriend but still liked nate more than a friend and were jealous when he was with someone...obviously that's not just a friendship

 

Actually I was in an "open" relationship, so I was allowed to have my cake and eat it too. I had a crush on him, but respected the fact that he had a girlfriend and kept it friends only. Yeah, we flirted, but I didn't expect anything but a friendship to come out of the relationship. He's been with someone, his girlfriend. The fact of the matter is I told my friend that I liked him, and she decided to cross the boundaries.

[Salicious Crumb]

If you and Nate are just friends..why does he need your consent to "make out" with anyone?

 

And you have a boyfriend...uh...so are ya seeing the problem here.....with YOU?

[CardPlay3r]

Well she clarified things now, it was an open relationship. Well I guess your friend was wrong then if she agreed not to do anything with him beforehand

[amerikajin]

Actually I was in an "open" relationship, so I was allowed to have my cake and eat it too. I had a crush on him, but respected the fact that he had a girlfriend and kept it friends only. Yeah, we flirted, but I didn't expect anything but a friendship to come out of the relationship. He's been with someone, his girlfriend. The fact of the matter is I told my friend that I liked him, and she decided to cross the boundaries.

 

The thing is, there's a lot of gray area in this thing. I think there are some things you are upset about and it's understandable, but what she did wasn't necessarily "wrong" except in the sense that she made out with a guy who has a girlfriend - but even in that case, it's not like he's married. I can imagine you feel a bit stung by the experience, but Nate was not your property - you weren't even in a relationship, and what's more, I don't think you've mentioned anything that would lead us to conclude that he had an interest in you. The fact is that everybody has some degree of selfishness when it comes to romance. If it were me, I'd probably be jealous, but I'd also try to evaluate the situation for what it is: like it or not, they had an interest in each other. Whether you stay friends with them at this point probably comes down to whether or not you think you can handle seeing those two together regularly. If you can deal with that and move on, friendship shouldn't be a problem; if not, I don't think you're going to keep them as friends.

[big_girls_rock]

Well she clarified things now, it was an open relationship. Well I guess your friend was wrong then if she agreed not to do anything with him beforehand

 

 

Thankyou, I'm glad someone gets what I'm saying.

[big_girls_rock]

The thing is, there's a lot of gray area in this thing. I think there are some things you are upset about and it's understandable, but what she did wasn't necessarily "wrong" except in the sense that she made out with a guy who has a girlfriend - but even in that case, it's not like he's married. I can imagine you feel a bit stung by the experience, but Nate was not your property - you weren't even in a relationship, and what's more, I don't think you've mentioned anything that would lead us to conclude that he had an interest in you. The fact is that everybody has some degree of selfishness when it comes to romance. If it were me, I'd probably be jealous, but I'd also try to evaluate the situation for what it is: like it or not, they had an interest in each other. Whether you stay friends with them at this point probably comes down to whether or not you think you can handle seeing those two together regularly. If you can deal with that and move on, friendship shouldn't be a problem; if not, I don't think you're going to keep them as friends.

 

 

 

There are absolutely some points I agree with in what you said. They apperently had an interest in eachother otherwise we wouldn't be in this situation. Can I handle seeing them together? I don't have to, he has a girlfriend and she moved to another state the next day, no worrying there. However again, I may not have made myself too clear, I was so pissed I barely got out what I was trying to say. Nate and I liked EACHOTHER, the feelings were mutual but we didn't dare make a move because we were in other relationships. I wouldn't be half as mad if I had known he didn't like me back but he does ( or did? ) This behavior that they pulled is both very odd, you have to understand that he has never crossed the line before. But, to give you all an update, I'm seriously getting over it, and fast, I havn't talked to Nate since the day it happened and her, well we talk on and off. I'm contemplaiting whether I should tell my other friend that Dedra has also slept with the guy she is sleeping with now, they are the best of friends. I think I will be hush hush, but I don't want to be blaimed when she finds out and asks why I never told her.

[Kamille]

What a complicated situation! I'm glad you're feeling better.

 

A few things came to mind as I was reading the thread. The fact is, you are the reason nothing ever happened between Nate and you. You probably had respect for his relation and the trouble it would cause him if anything happened between you two. You probably also realised that it would cost you the friendship.

 

I do wonder if you were afraid to lose the friendship because deep down you were hoping he was going to fall in love with you? Then perhaps this is a blessing in disguise because it forced you to move on.

 

And who is it you want to reveal the incident to? Would it be Nate's girlfriend? If so, I think it is best you stay out of it, especially considering 1) you had feelings for him 2) you were responsible for introducing them.

 

As for your friend, she did break her promise. It is unfair and it's understandable that you are upset. I guess since she moved out of state you don't really need to figure out where to go from there

[big_girls_rock]

What a complicated situation! I'm glad you're feeling better.

 

A few things came to mind as I was reading the thread. The fact is, you are the reason nothing ever happened between Nate and you. You probably had respect for his relation and the trouble it would cause him if anything happened between you two. You probably also realised that it would cost you the friendship.

 

I do wonder if you were afraid to lose the friendship because deep down you were hoping he was going to fall in love with you? Then perhaps this is a blessing in disguise because it forced you to move on.

 

And who is it you want to reveal the incident to? Would it be Nate's girlfriend? If so, I think it is best you stay out of it, especially considering 1) you had feelings for him 2) you were responsible for introducing them.

 

As for your friend, she did break her promise. It is unfair and it's understandable that you are upset. I guess since she moved out of state you don't really need to figure out where to go from there

 

The reason I didn't want to make a move was because I respected the fact that he really loved his gf and didn't want to come in between them. Hopeing he would fall in love with me? Nah. Makeout maybe:laugh:

 

I was thinking about exposing the truth about Dedra sleeping with our other friends crush but I decided not to.

[big_girls_rock]

Nate and I are back to being friends again, I will update soon! Thanks all for the help.