Can we ever be more than friends?

[SecretlySensitive]

Hi there.

 

I'm new to this site and kind of embarrassed that I'm doing this but I have to talk about this with someone, even if it is strangers on the internet! Apologies in advance for the long post, but I have to get this off my chest.

 

So I'm 22 years old and live in the south of England. I've never had a serious relationship and never been in love or anything like that.

 

When I was in school, I found myself attracted to a number of girls (like most teenage males) but none more so than a brunette named Emma. Emma lived literally round the corner to where I lived and we were pretty close friends. She was the best friend of my best friend's girlfriend, so the four of us hung out quite a lot for a period of time. It was here that I developed feelings for her, though I stupidly never revealed these feelings out of fear of being rejected.

 

After leaving school, I lost contact with most if not all of my friends and made new ones. Emma moved away. Not far but far enough to mean that I would no longer see her virtually every day.

 

Since then, I've seen Emma very rarely and most of the time I do see her it's in pubs and clubs. We always say hello to each other, but nothing more. A few weeks ago, we bumped into each other in a club and I did my usual thing of just saying hello, making a stupid joke and then freezing before she went off. I told a friend I was with (who also knows her) that I've always really liked Emma and he said she was good looking and didn't believe me when I agreed but said I like her in more than just a sexual way.

 

After coming home drunk at about 4am, I made the same stupid mistake a lot of people make: I turned on Facebook. I was certainly drunk, but I was aware of what I was doing. I private messaged Emma telling her that I've always liked her since school, that I thought she was kind, funny and gorgeous and that I was sorry I never said anything before. The next day, I looked at my Facebook to find that she had read the message but had not replied (I had said in the message that she shouldn't feel like she has to reply as I realised it would make a lot of people uncomfortable). A couple of days later, I decided that I should message her again and apologise. I did this because it would make our next face to face encounter very awkward otherwise. I told her that I was very drunk when I wrote it, was embarrassed the next day and lied that I had sent similar messages to others. This time, she responded. She told me not to worry about it and that everyone does stuff like that when they're drunk.

 

I have no idea why, but since then I've been thinking about her a lot. And I mean A LOT. Every night when I go to bed and every morning when I wake up, Emma is on my mind. I never think about a girl like this.

 

A couple of weeks later (last Friday), I bumped into Emma once again. This time, I think I did a lot better with the whole talking thing. I wasn't as nervous as I normally am around her and it was the longest chat we'd had in years. We were in the same club all night long and kept going back and forth with each other and our own groups of friends. Sometimes she would come to me and sometimes I would go to her. She even took my lollipop (which I had been given after putting money in a charity box) out of my mouth and put it in her own before giving it back, which I took as a flirting sign. I definitely wouldn't do that with a friend anyway!

 

This night made me think that she at least doesn't think I'm a complete weirdo or she wouldn't have been so sociable with me. But does she think of me as anything more than a friend? Now she knows of my feelings for her, is that why she was more talkative and even a bit flirty towards me? Or am I just being a sad loser and clutching at straws?

 

It almost hurts thinking about her so much and not knowing if us being an item is possible is the worst thing. I think I'd rather be flat out rejected than feel like this.

 

Would love to hear your honest opinions and any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[Standard-Fare]

Regardless of the phrasing of your second Facebook message, Emma realizes that your original drunk message contained at least some truth. But unfortunately you can never know what her unfiltered response to that was.

 

Yes, it's possible she would have just ignored it forever (and I can see why you feared that, given her lack of quick response). But it's also possible that she was taking her time to figure out a proper response to you. You gave her an out to everything with your second message.

 

It's a good sign that she directly forgave you for the mistake, and that she was engaging with you the other night. That shows that she's not creeped out.

 

She's probably intrigued by this confirmed knowledge that you have a crush on her. She might want to toy around with that a little, either just because she enjoys the attention or because you've sparked some kind of new curiosity in her.

 

It's not a good time for you to be overt and aggressive. She already knows you like her. But if she's being friendly and flirty, you should certainly play off that and see where things go -- until/unless she gives you a clear sign to back off.

[preraph]

I think you're on solid ground with Emma. She was flirting with you with the lollipop thing. She was coming up to you after you saying you liked her. I think you should get her number and go ahead and just ask her out and see what happens.

[Standard-Fare]

I think you're on solid ground with Emma. She was flirting with you with the lollipop thing. She was coming up to you after you saying you liked her. I think you should get her number and go ahead and just ask her out and see what happens.

 

I disagree with this suggestion, but I hope others (esp. women) chime in.

 

I personally think the OP's already "put himself out there" enough with the Facebook message. Emma now has the upper hand to his vulnerability.

 

It's very encouraging that she's being flirty with him (and I agree the lollipop thing is unmistakable flirting). But he needs to let the attraction simmer for a little bit before he tries to ramp things up to the next level. He definitely should show interest, flirt with her, etc. but she'll be more in intrigued if he keeps things subtle for now.

[SecretlySensitive]

Thanks for the replies so far, guys.

 

I'm relieved that my drunken message didn't completely freak her out. I agree with you, Standard-Fare, that I maybe should have given her more time to respond but I was feeling like an idiot and just wanted to make her feel less awkward.

 

Our meeting since the Facebook message was certainly different to our other recent ones. Usually it's just a simple "hello" and a peck on the cheek and we're off on our separate ways. The other night we were reminiscing about old times, asking each other about our families and so on. The fact that she made an effort to engage with me after I told her how I feel has given me encouragement. It's made me fall for her harder, hence the fact I've felt the need to let my thoughts out on here.

 

I don't think she's the type who would lead me on knowingly either. If she had no interest whatsoever, I'd like to think the other night wouldn't have happened.

 

I'm glad you both think the lollipop thing was flirting too, I thought I might have been clutching at straws with that one!

 

preraph, I would normally do what you suggest, but I have serious feelings for this girl. I'm not normally afraid of rejection, but I really like Emma as soppy and pathetic as it probably sounds.

 

Part of me wants to just tell her how I feel (in a non drunken way!) and see what happens. But now I'm back to being relatively close to her, I don't want to scare her away completely. I'll probably continue doing what I did on Friday night and wait for the moment where it's clear she likes me back but I'm also a little worried that if I leave it too long, I risk being "Friend-zoned" again like back in school!

 

We both go to the same club most Friday nights so I'll likely be seeing her again soon.

 

I'm absolutely useless with knowing what women think so if any girls are reading this, I'd love to hear the female perspective.

 

Thanks again, chaps.

[SecretlySensitive]

Okay, I have an update to my story for those interested (which is probably nobody ).

 

Pretty sure I've made good progression over the weekend.

 

Was out on Friday night and bumped into Emma once again. We said hello and spoke for five or ten minutes before she went off with her group of friends. Not long after that, the friend I was with ran into an ex girlfriend and within half an hour he was apologising to me and saying she had invited him back to her place. I told him I understood but was really disappointed as it was only about midnight and he was the only person I was out with so if he was going, I'd have to go home too. I was speaking with my cousin at the time but didn't exactly want to stay out with her and her friends so I made the decision to finish my drink and be on my way.

 

So my friend goes off to get lucky and ten minutes later I finished my drink and headed for the exit when who should be coming in the opposite direction? Emma! She asked me if I was going already and I told her what had happened. She looked surprised and asked me if I wanted to stay with her. I said no as, as much as I like her, I would have felt uncomfortable hanging with a group of girls I mostly don't know and I didn't want to be a tag along. But she said that she was actually looking for her friends as she hadn't seen them since going to the bathroom a quarter of an hour ago. She had been calling them but nobody was answering and she seemed worried. So I suggested that we go to the bar and have a drink, text her friends and stay put until they came to find her.

 

We get to the bar and I buy her a drink. She texts her friends to let them know that she's with someone and where we are. She says that she thinks my friend is an ******* for leaving me alone and I respond that I understood as he likes the girl he went with and I joked that I would have done the same thing if it were me and her. I immediately regret this! She doesn't seem to mind though and just laughs. I was expecting to be sitting with her for ten or fifteen minutes before her friends came along but they didn't show up for an hour and a half! So we're both pretty drunk by the time her friends get there and she introduces me to them as "my old school friend", which felt like a bit of a bummer. I went to leave soon after but Emma asked me to stay as she said she was enjoying herself. So I stayed and we spent the next couple of hours having laughs and flirting (though I'm useless at the flirting part!)

 

We left the club around 4am and were all very drunk. There's me, Emma and three of her friends. We get to the cab office and are told our taxis will be along in 10 minutes (I'm getting one alone and Emma and her friends are getting another). While we're waiting, it's very cold and Emma and I are sitting down with our arms round each other. She's rubbing my lower back but I don't take this too seriously as it WAS freezing and we were wasted! I did respond by rubbing her arm though. So my cab arrives first and I say my goodbyes when Emma asks me to text her when I get home. I don't have her phone number and I tell her this and she straight away gets a pen out of her handbag and goes to write her number on my hand. My taxi driver is pretty pissed at me for delaying, but I'm not missing my opportunity!

 

I text her when I got home to tell her it's me and said thanks for getting me to stay as I had a good night. I crash out and wake up to a reply saying she had a really good time and we have to do it again soon. She then texts me today asking if I'm out next weekend and says she can't wait already!

 

I'm making progress but think I better make a move soon or I risk being friend zoned again. I'm pretty sure she WANTS me to make a move. What do you think?

[Standard-Fare]

All of this sounds really positive! I think it's safe to say she's interested in you, and that your little Facebook faux pas served as the ice-breaker you two needed.

 

When you go out next week, you should more explicitly make it about meeting up with her. Like, make it clear that's your priority for the night, rather than following along with your buddies. Ask her where she'll be and what time, and meet up.

 

I do think it's unfortunate that your social life (and hers) seems to be so centered around getting drunk at the clubs... it makes it hard to make actual progress, and to distinguish drunken affection from real affection. But I guess it's what you have to work with right now.

 

Ideally you'll reach a point where you can take more "adult" steps, like asking her on a real date. You don't want this to just be a sloppy drunk hookup thing.

 

* P.S. And if it wasn't clear before, I actually AM a woman myself... I was just hoping other girls/woman would chime in, too.

[preraph]

Hello, I am a female. If you screw around and don't ask her out, you are going to land in the friendzone from lack of courage. She forgave and flirted and now you're taking her right back to being nothing but friends. You need to ask her out, because you won't grow on her just by being around in public where she is. She either is attracted or she's not and only one way to find out.

[Standard-Fare]

Hello, I am a female. If you screw around and don't ask her out, you are going to land in the friendzone from lack of courage. She forgave and flirted and now you're taking her right back to being nothing but friends. You need to ask her out, because you won't grow on her just by being around in public where she is. She either is attracted or she's not and only one way to find out.

 

Totally agree you need to make a move soon.

 

But b/c of the way you've described your social life, SecretlySensitive, I'm guessing your best chance would be to try to make out with her at the club or something. It sounds like you guys are still stuck in this college-style drinking scene and maybe "an invitation for a date" would come off as too formal before you've kissed her.

 

I do think -- since you seem genuinely interested in this girl as a dating prospect -- you should avoid having sex too abruptly, esp. when you're both super drunk after a night out. Try for something more respectful/romantic.

[Thegreatestthing]

Didn't seem like she was into you but then I read the update she seems to be into you now!

Hi there.

 

I'm new to this site and kind of embarrassed that I'm doing this but I have to talk about this with someone, even if it is strangers on the internet! Apologies in advance for the long post, but I have to get this off my chest.

 

So I'm 22 years old and live in the south of England. I've never had a serious relationship and never been in love or anything like that.

 

When I was in school, I found myself attracted to a number of girls (like most teenage males) but none more so than a brunette named Emma. Emma lived literally round the corner to where I lived and we were pretty close friends. She was the best friend of my best friend's girlfriend, so the four of us hung out quite a lot for a period of time. It was here that I developed feelings for her, though I stupidly never revealed these feelings out of fear of being rejected.

 

After leaving school, I lost contact with most if not all of my friends and made new ones. Emma moved away. Not far but far enough to mean that I would no longer see her virtually every day.

 

Since then, I've seen Emma very rarely and most of the time I do see her it's in pubs and clubs. We always say hello to each other, but nothing more. A few weeks ago, we bumped into each other in a club and I did my usual thing of just saying hello, making a stupid joke and then freezing before she went off. I told a friend I was with (who also knows her) that I've always really liked Emma and he said she was good looking and didn't believe me when I agreed but said I like her in more than just a sexual way.

 

After coming home drunk at about 4am, I made the same stupid mistake a lot of people make: I turned on Facebook. I was certainly drunk, but I was aware of what I was doing. I private messaged Emma telling her that I've always liked her since school, that I thought she was kind, funny and gorgeous and that I was sorry I never said anything before. The next day, I looked at my Facebook to find that she had read the message but had not replied (I had said in the message that she shouldn't feel like she has to reply as I realised it would make a lot of people uncomfortable). A couple of days later, I decided that I should message her again and apologise. I did this because it would make our next face to face encounter very awkward otherwise. I told her that I was very drunk when I wrote it, was embarrassed the next day and lied that I had sent similar messages to others. This time, she responded. She told me not to worry about it and that everyone does stuff like that when they're drunk.

 

I have no idea why, but since then I've been thinking about her a lot. And I mean A LOT. Every night when I go to bed and every morning when I wake up, Emma is on my mind. I never think about a girl like this.

 

A couple of weeks later (last Friday), I bumped into Emma once again. This time, I think I did a lot better with the whole talking thing. I wasn't as nervous as I normally am around her and it was the longest chat we'd had in years. We were in the same club all night long and kept going back and forth with each other and our own groups of friends. Sometimes she would come to me and sometimes I would go to her. She even took my lollipop (which I had been given after putting money in a charity box) out of my mouth and put it in her own before giving it back, which I took as a flirting sign. I definitely wouldn't do that with a friend anyway!

 

This night made me think that she at least doesn't think I'm a complete weirdo or she wouldn't have been so sociable with me. But does she think of me as anything more than a friend? Now she knows of my feelings for her, is that why she was more talkative and even a bit flirty towards me? Or am I just being a sad loser and clutching at straws?

 

It almost hurts thinking about her so much and not knowing if us being an item is possible is the worst thing. I think I'd rather be flat out rejected than feel like this.

 

Would love to hear your honest opinions and any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Thanks.

Edited November 12, 2014 by Thegreatestthing

[preraph]

Okay, I have an update to my story for those interested (which is probably nobody ).

 

Pretty sure I've made good progression over the weekend.

 

Was out on Friday night and bumped into Emma once again. We said hello and spoke for five or ten minutes before she went off with her group of friends. Not long after that, the friend I was with ran into an ex girlfriend and within half an hour he was apologising to me and saying she had invited him back to her place. I told him I understood but was really disappointed as it was only about midnight and he was the only person I was out with so if he was going, I'd have to go home too. I was speaking with my cousin at the time but didn't exactly want to stay out with her and her friends so I made the decision to finish my drink and be on my way.

 

So my friend goes off to get lucky and ten minutes later I finished my drink and headed for the exit when who should be coming in the opposite direction? Emma! She asked me if I was going already and I told her what had happened. She looked surprised and asked me if I wanted to stay with her. I said no as, as much as I like her, I would have felt uncomfortable hanging with a group of girls I mostly don't know and I didn't want to be a tag along. But she said that she was actually looking for her friends as she hadn't seen them since going to the bathroom a quarter of an hour ago. She had been calling them but nobody was answering and she seemed worried. So I suggested that we go to the bar and have a drink, text her friends and stay put until they came to find her.

 

We get to the bar and I buy her a drink. She texts her friends to let them know that she's with someone and where we are. She says that she thinks my friend is an ******* for leaving me alone and I respond that I understood as he likes the girl he went with and I joked that I would have done the same thing if it were me and her. I immediately regret this! She doesn't seem to mind though and just laughs. I was expecting to be sitting with her for ten or fifteen minutes before her friends came along but they didn't show up for an hour and a half! So we're both pretty drunk by the time her friends get there and she introduces me to them as "my old school friend", which felt like a bit of a bummer. I went to leave soon after but Emma asked me to stay as she said she was enjoying herself. So I stayed and we spent the next couple of hours having laughs and flirting (though I'm useless at the flirting part!)

 

We left the club around 4am and were all very drunk. There's me, Emma and three of her friends. We get to the cab office and are told our taxis will be along in 10 minutes (I'm getting one alone and Emma and her friends are getting another). While we're waiting, it's very cold and Emma and I are sitting down with our arms round each other. She's rubbing my lower back but I don't take this too seriously as it WAS freezing and we were wasted! I did respond by rubbing her arm though. So my cab arrives first and I say my goodbyes when Emma asks me to text her when I get home. I don't have her phone number and I tell her this and she straight away gets a pen out of her handbag and goes to write her number on my hand. My taxi driver is pretty pissed at me for delaying, but I'm not missing my opportunity!

 

I text her when I got home to tell her it's me and said thanks for getting me to stay as I had a good night. I crash out and wake up to a reply saying she had a really good time and we have to do it again soon. She then texts me today asking if I'm out next weekend and says she can't wait already!

 

I'm making progress but think I better make a move soon or I risk being friend zoned again. I'm pretty sure she WANTS me to make a move. What do you think?

 

See? Told you she liked you. Now, I don't want you to think for a moment she caught up with you at the club by accident. She hung around when her friends left to talk to you. This is how women help things along without being too obvious. She was cuddling on you because being cold was a good excuse too, but she is comfy touching you and you have her in the bag, my friend. So yes, ask her out for this next weekend. Congrats! Nice to hear a crush that goes well for a change on this board!

[kindy14]

"This night made me think that she at least doesn't think I'm a complete weirdo or she wouldn't have been so sociable with me."

 

But does she think of me as anything more than a friend? Maybe, but you have a friendship, so she already knows you, probably doesn't think you're a complete weirdo.

 

Now she knows of my feelings for her, is that why she was more talkative and even a bit flirty towards me? Could be, she may realize you are hesitant, awkward, shy, and be giving you permission. Or she could think it's just cute. No way to know without asking her. Which I wouldn't do right now, let things simmer, but don't sit on your butt. Do things with her you both enjoy, and see where things go.

 

Or am I just being a sad loser and clutching at straws? I don't think either thing. Inexperience at something doesn't make you a loser. And you've got enough straws there, you don't have to clutch at them. You aren't misreading the situation because it's to early to get a reading. You saw a blip on your radar screen, and your peering through the fog waiting for the next ping.

 

Go slow. Hand holding before kissing, or anything else. Don't obsess over every little thing she does while you are with her. Enjoy the moment. Having fun is one of the big positive points have having a relationship.

[Strength in Healing]

(I had said in the message that she shouldn't feel like she has to reply as I realised it would make a lot of people uncomfortable).

 

A couple of days later, I decided that I should message her again and apologise.

 

 

Oh God that is more painful than when I accidentally stepped on a nail.

 

For the sake of ALL that is holy, and then some, please, PLEASE if you're going to go in, you go hard.

 

This here, you emasculated yourself repeatedly. You don't go in and then apologize for it or tell the person not to respond if it makes them uncomfortable.

 

*Shutters*

[todreaminblue]

Oh God that is more painful than when I accidentally stepped on a nail.

 

For the sake of ALL that is holy, and then some, please, PLEASE if you're going to go in, you go hard.

 

This here, you emasculated yourself repeatedly. You don't go in and then apologize for it or tell the person not to respond if it makes them uncomfortable.

 

*Shutters*

 

 

i disagree.......apologies from a man show strength and respect..consideration and understanding......to me it is masculine to have the foresight and consideration of another's feelings..a real man apologizes when he feels in himself he has done something wrong....boys find it hard.....men dont ...real women accept apologies and dont look down on the man who apologizes...but respect him and his ways........deb.....