Female friend likes me but I see her as a friend and I am in a healthy relationship.

[Mind-Chants]

I am in a committed relationship for last 6 years with a sweet caring beautiful girl. One and half years ago around May 2014 I met this girl "M" who was in lot of distress and she didn't have many friends to support her through that time. Her parents were also distant. So I felt bad for "M" and decided to help her out. I had a talk with my gf about the whole thing as it involved compromising our quality time and she gave me the green signal to go ahead. I helped "M" to move through her issues, giving her support whenever she needed. By Dec 2014 things were starting to look good for her. We continued to remain friends but our communication gradually reduced as I got busy with my things. Come June 2015 things became bit shaky between "M" and me. She started distancing herself going back to her bunker again. In july 2015 i got a message from her. To be exact " I am in distress". I tried calling her messaging her but she never picked or replied. Since I was out of station for my project I asked my girlfriend to go and check on her.

 

They had a long talk after "M" initially trying to avoid for few hours. Then she broke down and told my gf that she likes me and she knows that she can never be together with me and she hates herself for doing that to my gf. But she can't help herself out of this. After this my gf told me that there was a long awkward silence. My gf being awesome held onto her emotions and told "M" that she understands her situation and knows that sometimes few things are beyond our control. She suggested her going out and meeting other people. "M" asked my gf not to mention this to me as she was too embarrassed about the whole thing. Anyway she told me that same day. I don’t blame her.

 

Since I had lot of work related things going on, my gf avoided to talk about the whole thing after that day and I forgot about the whole situation as I never received any call or message from "M". I came home in sep 2015 thinking that everything is ok turns out it's not. She had left her job and her whereabouts were unknown. Only occasionally called her parents that too from different cities. (Yeah cops were involved since she just left without taking any belongings.) I opened my mailbox and found 2 letters from her. They were actually confession letters about her being in love with me and her distress knowing that she can never be with me. The other was a compilation of her dairy entries she made as i had suggested her to do that during her distress period. It detailed everything about the little things I did for her and how day by day she fell for me.

 

But the thing is I took extreme care in not sending any wrong signals to her during her distress period. I knew she was vulnerable so I weighed in everything i did and everything i spoke so that this thing doesn't happen. Also another certified douche bag (co-worker) was trying to take advantage of her by convincing her to go on a vacation with him to relax and enjoy. Since I knew that creep, I was sure he must have bragged about that to his friends. I showed her the group chat they had online where he had made plans to sleep with her and ditch her. One of that creep's friend happens to be my friend thats how i got that. She exclusively mentioned this event as the turning point of her life. But I did only because I care about her well being.

 

Now "M" is back after almost 3 months (Start of Nov 2015). After being NC for many months I received a mail from her saying that she is sorry for the whole mess. She just cudn't avoid the whole thing. She did some soul searching and she knows for sure that she is in extreme love with me. She understands that we could never be together and my gf is wonderful that I should never leave my gf. She won’t date anyone or getting married in future. That I would be always the one for her. She can’t replace me. She mentioned she didn’t intent to return back but only returned because she couldn’t secure a job at other places.

 

I am yet to contact her even though my gf wants me to help her out of this and says she feels bad for her.

 

I am so conflicted. I only see her as a friend. Why do I feel so betrayed? Even though I understand something are beyond our control. Also is there anyway I could help her out of this ???

 

Need some serious advice. Ladies pls help me out.

 

BTW I am 26 my GF is 27 and she is 24.

Edited November 27, 2015 by Mind-Chants

[lolablue17]

I'm not a lady but I will try to answer...

 

Your gf seems to handle it much better than you. She trusts you, and understands, it's not because you encourage "M" to fall for you. Your Gf feels secure enough to understand the value of friendship and not letting "noises" to destroy friendship.

 

"M" is trying to handle it, you Gf also does, the only person who doesn't handle it is you, running away like a child. "M" and your Gf are adults. Join their club

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I would advise you to stay away from her, for her sake as well as your own. Any attention you give her will fuel this fantasy she has built up in her head.

 

It sounds like you have good intentions and want to help, but all that will do is reinforce her believe that "you will always be the one for her". Trust me, it will do more damage in the long run if you continue to play the knight in shining armor.

 

If necessary, and she persists in telling you how she feels, you need to be blunt and tell her that you have no romantic feelings for her, without using your girlfriend as the excuse. It is important that she knows that she is not the only thing between you getting together. At the moment that is the hope she is clinging to.

 

The fact that she said she is willing to remain alone for the rest of her life shows how unhealthy her attachment is to you. It can't continue or it will progress into obsession which could cause problems for everyone involved, including your girlfriend.

[Mind-Chants]

@ lolablue17 : My GF is without any doubt more matured than me but "M" is not. Few days back I got a call from her parents (who never cared aything about their daughter. I guess "M" had to explain things as she was missing.), they screamed at me and told me that I played with her emotions. I usually confront if things are wrong but i kept quiet not to antagonize the whole situation. I think my strategy of NC is good at this juncture.

 

@ Scarlett.O'hara : I am still in NC. Exactly, I don't want to reinforce her fantasies. I am usually confrontational type if things aren't right. Yes like u said I am planning to have a talk with her to clear the air but after few days as I am way stressed out due to my job right now. To be frank I am yet to contemplate about the whole thing. Regarding obsession... OMG... I am yet to read the complete journal she sent but the parts I have read things are so detailed (minor things) even I don't remember doing those things for her. So many tiny details included in them. Few disturbing ones. That's really unhealthy.

 

Just looking for options to end this whole mess.

Edited November 28, 2015 by Mind-Chants

[burnt]

I'm so sorry. I find it very sad to read this post--all three of you are very kind hearted, decent, and moral people just in the middle of a mess. Just unfortunate, because none of you did anything wrong.

 

Your girlfriend:

She can see through it all in the the most objective and healthy way. But I don't agree with her--it's ok to feel bad for M, but not a good idea to 'help' her out. I ditto what lolablue17 said above your gf.

 

M:

She can't help what she feels; it's clear she fought against it for a long time secretly; the fact that she FIRST admitted this to your gf with that much shame and humility says just how much she has been fighting against her own emotions. I feel for her. The thing is, whenever we're in a vulnerable and fragile situation, it is only human to develop strong attachments and affection for the ones that help us. Sadly, in her case she has develped an unhealthy obsession for you. She can't help it, but I believe she also has done all she could've to fight it and deal with it. I can understand why she sent you the letters with full disclosure--it's not to torture you or to lure you in, but to let the things off her chest that she's been bottling up this long. It's a necessary part of the healing process for her. She is still in a foggy state of mind and will be for a long while; with enough time passed, she may heal--what she needs from you is Absolute No Contact.

 

YOU:

I'm sorry that you feel conflicted in all this--but you shouldn't. You are a very decent person--you had no ill intention but to help someone in need and you have been true and honest with your gf. You and your gf are a beautiful couple with genuine care for each other and others around you. It wasn't your fault in any way that M developed feelings for you. But you need to cut off contact with M--any farther act of kindness from you, even any words of compassion will make her feelings for you even stronger and linger for longer. It's sad, but you have to be 'cruel' here to do the only kind thing that you can for her--no farther contact. You still can and will care about her as a friend, but it will just have to be through cutting her off.

 

Best wishes for all three of you.

Edited November 28, 2015 by burnt

[Mind-Chants]

@burnt : What u said is definitely true. I shouldn't contact her, until now it's been like a month since she returned and I am yet to contact her. I am conflicted in the sense, I never thought I would be the reason for a person's suffering.

 

It's also affecting me at my job. See I work as Production Manager in Steel Industry. I have a big workforce under my supervision. Few days back, one of my subordinate made a huge mistake. (She is in planning and notified wrong grade for production.) It really cost us big in this economic slowdown. I got badly trashed by senior management. So I called her to my office to seek her explanation for her mistake. I am new in this position (since sep'15) and I have 50+ subordinates to look after. So I am yet to know each of them personally. She is going through divorce so she has been bit off lately. But I didn't know that like I said I am new to this department. So when she came to my office, I talked with her about the incident and kind of reprimanded her I guess. Then she broke down in my office and I was like "Holy Smokes". I literally thought this in my mind but not sure if I spoke out or not. The situation was very much similar to what I had faced with "M". I kind of generalized it I guess and gave away not the best of my reactions. Yes I PANICKED. Not proud of it definitely. I gave her a bottle of water. Not knowing what to do, I called one of my other subordinates who is her friend to deal with the whole thing. Firefighting move but not a smart one. For some reason I was speechless. The things happened with "M" was running in my mind. I got promotions early because I am good at dealing with people but these recent events are kind of breaking me down.

Edited November 28, 2015 by Mind-Chants

[preraph]

She has become dependent on you and despite your best efforts, you can't control her emotions. But this having to "be there for her" when what she really needs is a psychiatrist is what got you into this. Remember, even psychiatrists have to deal with "transference," because it's common for patients to "fall in love" with them when they are really just dependent on them.

 

Your girlfriend is either very stupid or a saint. It's way past the point you need to contact this girl's family or other friends and turn her over to their care and urge the girl to see a psychologist. Unless a miracle happens and her dream guy just falls into her lap despite her problems, she will remain fixated on you. At some point, your relationship will suffer, and you will forever hate yourself if you let this girl who just needs a therapist take your most significant relationship.

 

The proper response to her confession is to strongly reiterate that you love your girlfriend and have zero romantic feelings for your friend and that you never will have, even if your girlfriend was hit by a bus. You need to gather her friends and family to be there for support before you leave and get her into therapy. Then you need to get your life back. "I care about you and wish the best for you, but you need more than I can give you, and lingering will only keep you from moving on, plus I have a relationship to maintain."

 

The people I've known who got stuck in relationships because of someone "needing" them, it ended with "I can't leave her or she'll kill herself." That's why you put her back in the hands of her family and friends first. The people I've known who acted like that (as if they'll perish if the person they're dependent on leaves) were usually exaggerating to keep you there, but they will give you a scare and you can't take the chance without setting up her fallback plan first. She may just be crazy like a fox at this point. Don't rule that out.

Edited November 28, 2015 by preraph

[smackie9]

I agree with the above poster. What I see is that your friend has a lot of mental issues: she has trouble keeping her job, can't cope with life and disappears, can't make friends, she's always in distress, and she is disturbed enough to openly confess her love for you to your GF....she's nuts and her condition is getting worse. She's fatally obsessed with you, and I bet the next step is her being suicidal.

 

If I were you I would contact her parents and tell them everything. Express to them that you are concerned for her mental health and that they should get her some help.

 

Sadly you need to distance yourself for everyone's safety. The more you answer to her calls of distress, the more you enable her behavior, feeding her fantasies.

[Mind-Chants]

@ all : thnx for replying.

 

@ smackie9: I don't think she is suicidal. The tone of her confession letters were somewhat in depressive notes but the mail I received after she came back was more positive but still having unhealthy attachment.

 

Since some of u mentioned about my relationship with my gf possibly getting strained becoz of this mess, I took action today. Had a long chat with gf about our feelings and emotions about this whole thing. We have decided to let each other know about any feelings (+ve or -ve) one develops about the whole thing. As of now we are on same page. She understands that me in any direct contact with "M" might blow things out of control. I also stressed to her that not only me also she needs to be in NC mode and asked her to avoid the route she takes to her work through M's street.

 

Regarding many of you mentioning talking to her parents like I said earlier, Her parents never really cared about her during her first distress phase. In-spite of that I had thought about discussing with them about the whole thing. But after they called me and blamed me for everything I don't want to talk with them. They are irrational people. To help "M" via her parents would only make things worse. But I know she has got a big sister about whom I don't know much. Like I said I had tried to avoid getting into her personal space while helping her, I never asked much about her. Just know she is in another city. If possible I would try to reach her. I would try FB and other things to track her down. I am not sure if she is aware of things happened or not. I think she might be knowing things.

 

I have a friend who is a counselor so I don't think that would be an issue. But any sort of help she gets should be through her near ones or family. Also trying to track one of her friends she once mentioned (she said that they were close) but the problem is I don't remember her name. Need to do some FB stalking.

Edited November 29, 2015 by Mind-Chants

[Mind-Chants]

 

The proper response to her confession is to strongly reiterate that you love your girlfriend and have zero romantic feelings for your friend and that you never will have, even if your girlfriend was hit by a bus. You need to gather her friends and family to be there for support before you leave and get her into therapy. Then you need to get your life back. "I care about you and wish the best for you, but you need more than I can give you, and lingering will only keep you from moving on, plus I have a relationship to maintain."

 

 

I don't think I have to prove/justify/validate my commitment to my gf just becoz someone is out of her mind.

 

I am just a well wisher who wants her to be happy. As I am in certain dimension inside the mess, I just want her to move. But I don't know how yet. Also I am in complete NC. So not feeding to her ego.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Regarding many of you mentioning talking to her parents like I said earlier, Her parents never really cared about her during her first distress phase. In-spite of that I had thought about discussing with them about the whole thing. But after they called me and blamed me for everything I don't want to talk with them. They are irrational people. To help "M" via her parents would only make things worse. But I know she has got a big sister about whom I don't know much. Like I said I had tried to avoid getting into her personal space while helping her, I never asked much about her. Just know she is in another city. If possible I would try to reach her. I would try FB and other things to track her down. I am not sure if she is aware of things happened or not. I think she might be knowing things.

 

I have a friend who is a counselor so I don't think that would be an issue. But any sort of help she gets should be through her near ones or family. Also trying to track one of her friends she once mentioned (she said that they were close) but the problem is I don't remember her name. Need to do some FB stalking.

 

You are still getting involved in her life, when she hears that you have reached out to others to help her, she will think you are trying to look after her, making her more attached.

 

Stop trying to be the knight in shining armor and stay out of her life.

[Mind-Chants]

You are still getting involved in her life, when she hears that you have reached out to others to help her, she will think you are trying to look after her, making her more attached.

 

Stop trying to be the knight in shining armor and stay out of her life.

 

I guess u r rite. I have stop now. Thnx.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Sorry if that came across as a bit harsh but I have had some experience in this area and have seen where it can lead.

[Mind-Chants]

Sorry if that came across as a bit harsh but I have had some experience in this area and have seen where it can lead.

 

Its alright. What u said, I realized is absolutely true. It's logical. She is moving on, I should let go. Had she been depressive, any kind of indirect help would have mattered. She seems to be ok, me interfering in any way would mess up good things here.

 

Thnx :)

Edited November 30, 2015 by Mind-Chants

[Mind-Chants]

Just thought about giving an update about the situation.

 

Everything was as it was before. I was very busy with my work that I hardly remember the mess. The work pressure was doing wonders I guess. As for my GF, she is out of fog. We don't discuss that topic anymore.

 

Everything was alright until this Sunday. Her father came over to my place. Don't know how he got the address. Repeated the same thing he had said before on phone. Blaming me for her situation and asking me to fix things. He had a confrontational tone. Even dared me of consequences. I told him I was not responsible for any of her actions and that she is not a child. He was getting aggressive so I somehow moved our conversation to front porch which has got security camera so that things would get recorded. After he threatened me, I showed him the CCTV and tuned tables on him. I guess he understood my point and said " I would deal with you later." Gave away a copy of the footage to my lawyer for any future reference.

PS:- Asked her father to take her to counseling, he said she needs no psychologist to fix her. She is alright and that I need to seek help. I left it at that.

 

 

Today: I got a call from an unknown number. Since I was in a meeting I couldn't attend the call. Later when I checked my e-mail, found a mail from "M". She apologized for her father's behavior 3 days back. She said she never knew that her father would be coming over to my place. She learnt from her mother today. Basically she wrote in mail that her parents who never cared are back in her life. They are still under the impression that I played with her emotions. She denied this to them but they are not ready to accept this. Her father is kind of vengeful I guess. Other than this rest of content was about her being sorry and stuffs i can't recall.

 

And yes I didn't reply to the mail. Just forwarded a copy to my gf.

 

But few things have struck me and again this mess is back in my mind.

 

1. Why her parents are so mean to me. Since both my and "M"'s version are match.(not sure) And they know everything I guess. Only not ready to accept that it was her all along. I was never there.

 

2. Her father is almost same age my parents. I see my parents with utmost respect and honor. They have taught me to respect everyone especially people very senior to me. While confronting her father, I had this thought in back of my mind. I felt like I am screaming at my parents. Just thought he is trying to protect his daughter.

 

3. Now it is almost 3 months, nothing has changed in her emotional situation. She signed the mail as "Love you to my core" (quite unusual for her). I read it as her getting bolder. I thought 3 months would change things a lot. Guess I was wrong.

[Glitters]

The energy that you are putting into this friend is going to ruin your relationship with your gf. Period. She is human and her patience will wear thin soon enough. You are the one who has to block and walk , aren't that difficult. Stop being a victim!

[Timshel]

Wow....hmmm. You say, Mind-Chants that your relationship with this woman has always been platonic? Always...or have you left anything out?

It is somewhat mind boggling that you have remained so involved with this woman despite her inappropriate feelings for you.

Why in the world would you or your gf continue any relationship with this woman after she announced her feelings for you?

As other posters have encouraged, cutting all and any ties is past due. There should be zero contact with her or her family. Period.

How do you think her father got your home address? This man's anger toward you does not match your version of events as only a caring friend.

 

This man showing up on your doorstep and threatening you is cause for alarm. For your safety and the safety of your gf, who I presume is an innocent bystander of this Jerry Springer sideshow.....stop all communication with this woman today!!

 

At this point, why are you still having contact? Things are not adding up.

[Timshel]

If we insert into this story that you had an affair with this woman and she is the spurned OW....suddenly, this story makes sense.

 

Maybe this is not the case but the truth is usually simple and a straight line.

Your version of events has us walking down a very twisty path. JS

 

In any event, come completely clean with your gf and take every measure to have this woman 100% out of your lives.

[Lovezen_30]

Wow....hmmm. You say, Mind-Chants that your relationship with this woman has always been platonic? Always...or have you left anything out?

It is somewhat mind boggling that you have remained so involved with this woman despite her inappropriate feelings for you.

Why in the world would you or your gf continue any relationship with this woman after she announced her feelings for you?

As other posters have encouraged, cutting all and any ties is past due. There should be zero contact with her or her family. Period.

How do you think her father got your home address? This man's anger toward you does not match your version of events as only a caring friend.

 

This man showing up on your doorstep and threatening you is cause for alarm. For your safety and the safety of your gf, who I presume is an innocent bystander of this Jerry Springer sideshow.....stop all communication with this woman today!!

 

At this point, why are you still having contact? Things are not adding up.

 

I agree with this. This scenario just happened to me - I had feelings for the man and once I confessed my feelings, he begged me to not cut off the friendship. He did so with bizarre declarations of love and apologies for taking me "for granted". This over the top reaction raised alarm bells for me. Instead of a mere friend, I had come to feel like a pseudo-girlfriend without the physical benefits and I believe he was consciously or unconsciously leading me on.

 

Even when I said it would not be respectful for the relationship to continue because of his girlfriend, he ignored this and said he wanted us to spend more time together (after I had confessed feelings, wtf??). At this point I realised there was something wrong with his boundaries and/or morals. So I cut the whole thing off altogether. This is not a friendship that can continue for a very long time to come, if at all.

[Mind-Chants]

Just for sake of clarity I am giving the timeline.

 

May 2014 - Started to help her

Dec 2014 - She got out of her issues. Civil conversation only.

Dec - Feb - Met few times (sometimes with my gf). I used to travel a lot during that time.

Feb 2015 - Met for the last time in person. Also talked for last time on phone. These communications were from my side. No idea about her feelings.

Mar - May 2015 - Minor communication. Once every 2-3 months. Initiated by both sides. No idea about her feelings. Last time ever I communicated to her.

June - july 2015 - Zero communication. Then I received her message. She confessed to gf. I didn't communicate with her in any way. Was busy with work. Had completely forgotten about her.

Sep 2015 - I came back for my new assignment. Found her letters. Still NC from my side. She was missing.

Nov 2015 - She came back. Sent me a letter. Still NC from my side.

Dec 2015 - Her parents blamed me. I received mail from her. Still NC from my side.

 

Note: - gf mentioned about helping her but there was no action to that thought.

 

Lovezen, Timshel, Glitters - Thing is there is no communication from my side with her for last 7 months nor do I have done anything since then to led her to believe that I am her saviour, so i feel I haven't done anything wrong here. Please correct me if I am wrong. I do want to change my approach if I am making mistakes unknowingly here.

Edited December 30, 2015 by Mind-Chants

[Mind-Chants]

As for her parents, they were no where near her when she was hospitalized with severe health issues almost dying (Jul 2014). They were told about her condition right after she was admitted to the hospital. They called after 10 days just to ask if things were good or not. That's it. Then they were no where to be seen. Not even called her to ask how she was (Sep - Dec 2014)

May be my version doesn't match her father's reaction but his dissonance is way more wayward than mine. A father who never cared whether his daughter lived or died blaming the person who broke into her house , breaking glasses tearing his ligaments while she was bleeding to death.

 

I don't think I am not at fault of what I did.

 

GF knows everything. She has all access to my mails and cell. She checks or not I have no idea. I never asked. I don't check her mail or cell. We have full transparency in this matter. She knows every details to last minute.

Edited December 30, 2015 by Mind-Chants

[Glitters]

Stop being a victim, can't repeat enough !

 

Block her emails , block her phone number AND stop thinking about her ! If you really want to think , think how you are betraying your gf ( yes, you are, emotionally!). It won't be long before she walks away for good because you couldn't handle a female ' friend in distress' ! How are you going to stand by your gf if you can't even handle that woman !

 

She will stop once you put a stop. There is no other way. You are asking too much from your gf and I can guarantee that her sweetness and understanding will turn to resentment and begin to ruin everything you have.

 

Keep the cctv recordings and her emails. At next threat , report. You should have deleted her recent emails without reading. You should have blocked her email id. You should not have let her father enter your house. There is a lot you can/ could do but you are choosing not to.

 

You are not leaving your gf with much choice !

[Timshel]

Putting myself in a front row seat is what I do. I am there.

 

Bottom line. Your 'friend' M has confessed romantic feelings for you...to yourself and privately, to your live in gf.

 

She is emotionally and physically unstable and you and gf have asserted yourselves to be of assistance to her while she has been abandoned by friends and family. You also dissuaded a disingenuous co-worker from taking advantage of her.

 

Now, 7 months later....her father has appeared on your doorstep to physically threaten you to stay away from his daughter.

 

You have been in email contact with M to align your stories. M has no idea how her father obtained your address or why her father would threaten you.

 

Have I missed something? If you are not aware at this point that all contact should cease, no email..facebook...insta anything. No coffee or phone conversations or essentially anything that will tie your self to this woman is in order.

 

Is there any issue with that?

[Glitters]

You edited the last few lines. That also adds to your gfs distress. You are asking too much from her ! You will regret.

[Timshel]

Glitters, submitting when I am typing. Too funny, completely agree.