How to get started? Stuck and scared.

[Untouched]

Hi. I came here because I think I need some help. I've been reading this site for a while, and to be honest, I sometimes feel kind of frightened to post here because of what I might here. Here goes.

 

I was raised in a very strict, fundamentalist religious family and community. Girls and women don't wear pants or cut our hair. There is no "dating," only "courting," which is extremely chaperoned and means the people are intending to marry.

 

I am in college now and I have left that faith. My family is sad and hopes it is just a phase, but we are still close, thank goodness.

 

My problem is … how do I start to date? I so much want to have a boyfriend. I want to have a sexual relationship. I have many sexual feelings and I am pretty sure that I am attractive to guys. But it's so confusing.

 

I have been on dates. The guys seem to like me but then they start pushing for sex. I have been reading, even on here, that many guys have something called a 3 date rule. I have not felt ready to have sex with any of those guys after 3 dates. But I don't want them to fee like I am using them either.

 

One time I even found out from a girlfriend that 2 guys had a bet about who could get my virginity. I was devastated.

 

The way I was raised did not prepare me for how to act in college and with all the people having sex. I want to be one of them! But without feeling used! How?

[d0nnivain]

Don't just have sex for the purpose of having sex. Based on your background it will seriously screw up your head. It's OK to wait until you are in love even if you don't want to wait until you are married.

 

 

If a guy has a 3-date rule, that's his prerogative not your problem. A good guy who shares your values will wait.

 

 

Whatever decision you make, it must be your decision. Own whatever you decide.

 

 

I always hated guys that spewed BS like: if you loved me, you would have sex with me. I always thought it was a 2-way street & if he loved me he wouldn't push so hard without any meaningful consideration for my feelings. I automatically broke up with any boy who said that to me when I was younger.

 

 

The guy you want / need probably isn't in a bar or at a frat party. If you still have any faith, look into joining a youth activities group for the religion of your choice on campus, smile at the shy guy studying in the corner of the library on Friday night; get to know somebody in a campus activity.

[Assasda]

hahaha, your name is funny also. Seems like a troll post.

 

Hey, dont worry, we all had to start somewhere, when dating. Just find out what you want for a guy and persue that. If they're not what you're looking for move on.

[Untouched]

Thank you. I think that is good advice for me and it's kind of where I am at already, though I do feel stuck here. To be honest, sometimes I just feel like having sex with a decent guy who is nice to me, just to get it done! I am tired of being like this, I feel isolated. And even like I am getting too old. In my community, almost every girl is married with some kids by the time they are my age and if they are not everybody thinks they are unwanted.

 

Not that I want to get married and have kids now but that influences me.

 

Thank you.

[Untouched]

hahaha, your name is funny also. Seems like a troll post.

 

Hey, dont worry, we all had to start somewhere, when dating. Just find out what you want for a guy and persue that. If they're not what you're looking for move on.

 

I don't know what I want in a guy. I only ever thought of them as potential husbands before. Now I want to have experiences. Hopefully good ones.

[DArtagnan2]

while you mentioned you want to have "experiences" , "be sexual with someone" without having to be on the road to marriage and you also said, you didn't feel like those guy you dated, within 3 dates, you wanted to sleep with them.

 

There is nothing wrong with that, whether you are raised in the environment you have been or any other environment. How people view relationships, partners, sex, and the like, are all different. I wasn't raised in a strict religious family.I did attend church and still do. I was raised by my grandmother who instilled in me the thoughts and ideals she had on sexual relationships and the respect I should have for women in general. It was me though, who took her beliefs sure, but put my own values to my own feelings on the subject. It was me that wanted to have relationships and experiences, but decided to wait to have sex until I found someone I may spend the rest of my life with.

 

It was my choice.

 

So its your choice. Although your background is different and may have you wanting to jump right in right away, you have to respect yourself , your values and beliefs. You just need to figure out what those are, for you, before you do something you may wish you hadn't, just because of what others may say or do.

 

be true to you

[Frank2thepoint]

Aside from your religious background, do you have any interests that you would want a man to share? Such as books? Chess? Movies? Outdoor activities? Also, are there any new interests you wish to pursue, to discover a new hobby? If so, use those a basis to find a nice man. It's not a guarantee, but much better prospects than going to clubs, bars, or dealing with jocks. Unless those are your new interests. But the easiest way would be to break out of your shell a little bit and just talk to guys at school. Don't mention that you are a virgin. Just tried to build a rapport with guy and try to gauge if he is respectful enough to not take advantage of you but still want to share in your sexual discovery.

[d0nnivain]

. In my community, almost every girl is married with some kids by the time they are my age and if they are not everybody thinks they are unwanted. .

 

 

If I remember my Bible correctly, the mother of John the Baptist -- Mary's cousin (??) -- was near menopause when she had kids. God works in mysterious ways. You are certainly not unwanted.

[Valen]

It's normal to be scared. Just remember don't do anything if you're not comfortable with it. Take your time to date. Don't rush it til you are ready. A good guy will not mind waiting and won't push for it.

 

I think you should date a shy guy. They will be just as scared as you.

[sagetalk]

I am in college now and I have left that faith. My family is sad and hopes it is just a phase, but we are still close, thank goodness.

 

Above is your biggest problem. Why did you leave your faith? You do realize that God exists beyond the limited box that your family put Him in? Do not give up on God because you disagree with your family's beliefs. Keep reading the Bible and seek after God on your own. You will find that many of the the things they pushed on you are just things men made up to control women.

 

As for sex, you do not sound like you are ready. Do not let guys use you or guilt you into having sex. Save it for a guy who you see yourself having a future with for the long term. Go slow, you have plenty of time. If your peers pick on you, just brush it off, most of them secretly wish they were like you.

[Assasda]

I don't know what I want in a guy. I only ever thought of them as potential husbands before. Now I want to have experiences. Hopefully good ones.

 

So you want to have experiences. Seems like you want to be with an Adventurous, fun loving guy. So thats a start! Look for guys like that, that you can take trips with, stuff like that.

 

Lol losing your viginiity wont change much in your life. So dont just do it, to do it.

If you feel the urge, just watch some porn or something.

 

Hahaha when you find youre advemturous, fun loving guy, who appreciates you, you can jump him all you want

[Untouched]

Hi! Well … I did go out with somebody on the weekend and so far, I think it seems promising! We did make out quite a bit. More than I have before. It felt great and I never felt that the guy was pushing me, he was just enjoying it like I was. We have another date for next Friday night. I'm excited!

 

But … one thing. He is quite a bit older than me. Exactly twice my age to be exact. He is working on a research project at my school, that is how I met him.

 

In a way, I am happy about the age thing. He does not act AT ALL like the college guys my own age, or close to it, that I have been going out with have acted. He does not seem like he is anxious for sex.

 

He is divorced with partial custody of two kids, 10 and 13 years old. They live in another state. I am not thinking of getting married to this man or anything like that, though who knows. Mostly I see him as a person who I might be comfortable dating and if things go on like they started, maybe having a sexual relationship with.

 

I have two close girlfriends at school (not from my religious community I know what my friends there would say) that I have talked about this with. One of them agrees that it could be just perfect for me. She also knows who he is and thinks he is awesome. The other one is horrified by any guy who will go out with young women half his age. What do you think.

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad you are happy. A older man may be what you need because you miss the paternalistic aspects of your former religion. An older man will be less likely to push you for sex but he's also less likely to wait around while you figure out what you want.

 

For now, enjoy your 2nd date & cross the other bridges when you come to them.

[RedRobin]

In the other thread you had a few questions about dating.

 

First off, you sound like a lot of people I have met who come from rigid religious backgrounds.

 

If you think an older man isn't also ego driven about having sex with a virgin... Or someone very inexperienced...Especially one old enough to be your dad, think again. It is practically a guarantee. They talk with their friends too. You just don't know any of them. Your story sounds very similar to a guy I know at work. In his 40s who plays video games online. He got the attention of a 17 yr old girl there. Took her across state lines. She told him she was 19, but she wasn't. Lucky for him she had turned 18 two days prior. Her mom called the police, who found them in the hotel room and checked her id. Yes, this man was bragging to me. Thought the story was funny. He had a couple of kids too. One was a 10 yr old daughter.

 

What happened to the girl? She tried to commit suicide when he dumped her when he got back with his wife. He was asking me for advice on what to do. Not sure why. I told him to see a counselor. I thought he was sick.

 

If you are strictly looking for experience, I suppose I might understand going for an older man, but why do you think he would necessarily be better at sex than a younger man? He is divorced too. He didn't keep his wife happy. Have you cared to take the time to figure out why?

 

Maybe it doesn't matter, and that is fine. When I decided it was time to start my sexual life I wasn't burdened by religious junk. I chose a guy I had heard had experience with virgins and who was considerate and patient. He was a few years older than me... Few years meaning... Three years older. I wasn't in love with him but liked and respected him. I wasn't disappointed.

 

What do I think? I am with your friend who is horrified by any guy who would want sex with someone young enough to be their daughter. Especially at your age. Early 20's? Sure, a lot of younger guys can be insensitive. They just haven't gotten as good at hiding it as some older men.

 

If you are looking for some potent rebellion material and something to piss your parents off... And make you feel like a 'big girl' I guess this would do the trick.

 

I generally don't advise any woman to believe that making out on a first date leads to a relationship. If you just want to have sex though and get this virginity thing out of the way, then sure. I guess this guy is as good as the next.

 

... And FYI... The three date rule isn't a younger guy thing. It is a product of our current dating culture. A lot of older and younger men go by it. If you are already making out on date one, you are on that trajectory. Sounds like. That is fine if you aren't looking for a relationship.

Edited May 14, 2014 by RedRobin

[RedRobin]

Aside from your religious background, do you have any interests that you would want a man to share? Such as books? Chess? Movies? Outdoor activities? Also, are there any new interests you wish to pursue, to discover a new hobby? If so, use those a basis to find a nice man. It's not a guarantee, but much better prospects than going to clubs, bars, or dealing with jocks. Unless those are your new interests. But the easiest way would be to break out of your shell a little bit and just talk to guys at school. Don't mention that you are a virgin. Just tried to build a rapport with guy and try to gauge if he is respectful enough to not take advantage of you but still want to share in your sexual discovery.

 

Good advice. I recommend this. There are tons of nice guys closer to your own age who would be great for you and treat you well if you just take the time to get to know them.

 

Much better than dating a divorced guy reliving his adolescence and trying to get his mojo back by dating someone young enough to be his kid.

[Untouched]

I'm sorry but my situation is not similar to an adult man kidnapping a child. I am a GROWN WOMAN, though young and inexperienced. I also am a very smart and educated person. Also, I am proud of myself for being able to move away from my restricted culture in a positive way and still be close to my family. I AM NOT TRYING TO HURT THEM. I am sorry every day that I really HAVE hurt them already.

 

I just wanted a different kind of a life. It was not easy to get where I am.

 

If you feel like you have something to offer me in my thread, I will appreciate it if you could address what is really going on in MY situation rather than dredging up anything you can think of to push me to believe like you do.

 

I will never believe like you do even when I get to be your age. You seem very sad. I feel sorry for you. But I don't think you are a trustworthy person to be giving advice. You just seem bitter and obsessed and pretty much a bully about how you are always right and anybody else is wrong. Plus you hate men. So I doubt you have any advice to offer. Sorry.

[sillyanswer]

My problem is … how do I start to date? I so much want to have a boyfriend. I want to have a sexual relationship. I have many sexual feelings and I am pretty sure that I am attractive to guys. But it's so confusing.

 

How to start... it's typical in western society for the men to do the asking of the women, so wait for one who you like to ask you on a date and say "yes". If this is someone you barely know then consider your personal safety and arrange to meet them in a busy(ish) public place and have the date in a similar sort of place, don't get drunk, do tell your best friend where you're going.

 

First dates can be unnerving for anybody, so don't be frightened of being nervous if it happens to you, too.

 

Some people like a "drinks and dinner" first date - it's simple and traditional and allows the chance to talk, but some people prefer an "activity" date where you're doing something (eg visiting a museum or bowling). If you're invited on a date doing something you don't think you'll enjoy then say so (and be prepared to suggest an alternative).

 

 

I have been on dates. The guys seem to like me but then they start pushing for sex. I have been reading, even on here, that many guys have something called a 3 date rule. I have not felt ready to have sex with any of those guys after 3 dates. But I don't want them to fee like I am using them either.

 

There's nothing wrong with talking about sex before having sex. I think it's actually a healthy thing. That talk could include you explaining that you want to take things slowly and don't be afraid of saying that you think it's too soon if a guy is suggesting that you have sex sooner than you want. There are lots of people who want to be in a relationship before having sex, and if that's you then don't be afraid to say so!

 

Regarding not leaving them feeling used: to some extent people are responsible for their own feelings, but one way that might help is to go on dates that you can afford to pay for and then make sure that you pay (for half the bill, or for the whole thing if he got the last one, for example). Another is (as above) to communicate what you want and if that includes taking things slowly rather than rushing to the bedroom then make that known and set expectations accordingly - your date isn't telepathic!

 

 

Also, have fun. Dating is supposed to be fun. Enjoy it!

[littleplanet]

okay (deep breath)

Gambling for your virginity should not be in the cards.

You're a woman, not a girl.

You need a man, not a boy.

(and I'm not talking here specifically about age.)

 

Your past is what it is. Now that you've left your home and your religion, this freedom should work for you, not against you.

The right person for you is not going to make you feel pressured, at all.

 

To illustrate: When I was 18, I met a girl in my final year of high school. Saw lots of her over the next 3 years. Nothing happened over those 3 years because she was too young (and inexperienced) - though she did have a boyfriend over much of that time.

When I was 21, she was 18. She wasn't too young anymore.

Was it an issue to wait for that amount of time? Not at all.

My point being: the responses fit the person.

 

Understandably - perhaps you missed out on a lot of normal things when you were younger......high school romances, etc. But this is not necessarily a disability. It is just part of your life, your history.

Someone who is understanding and sensitive to where you're at will not pressure you - not if they actually want to know you, and what you're all about.

Don't let anyone just wrap you up in a package to suit their needs.

 

As to the older man thing: I'm an older man......the kind who would advise you not to go looking for someone behaving just as opportunistic as previously discussed.

 

This "myth" that men your own age are all write-offs because of bad attitude is a bunch of bunk. The world is full of young men who want to do the right thing.

"Experience" is........exactly what? A silver-tongued devilishy adept smooth talker?

"Good" in bed? What the hell is good in bed?

Good in spirit, with honest healthy responses is not such a bad deal.

 

Don't be in such a hurry. College age is still very young. The pressure to join in the game I'm sure is roaring all around you. "Getting it over with" is not going to kill you - but it's still nice if your first experience is with someone you love - who loves you back. I can vouch for that.

Lots of cynics will deny that, I suppose.

But if you don't happen to be one....something far better awaits.

[Untouched]

Thank you littleplanet, I appreciate your input.

 

I promise that I do NOT think that all guys in my age range are a bunch of yahoos. I do see a lot of that in school though. I am now in grad school and it's still a thing. Partly it may be that I am quite reserved and don't flirt or start talking to guys, so the more forward ones make moves on me. Anyway, I know that there are great guys my age. I just have not dated any so far. At least, not that ACTED great on the dates!

 

I have been waiting patiently for a few years now, though, and I have recently decided that something needs to happen.

 

This man I am dating is truly not a silver tongued devil. He is a shy nerd who is brilliant in his field. I think he is handsome too. I do like him. I am honestly a little put off by the fact that his kids are closer to my age than I am to his age. And he is one year younger than my dad. This does bother me. I am going out with him tomorrow night though. We will see what happens. I promise you he is not aggressive, predatory or dangerous. Or evil.

[sillyanswer]

I am going out with him tomorrow night though. We will see what happens.

 

Good luck on your date!

[Untouched]

Well, that did not go as I had hoped and expected. I'm disheartened.

 

Before it was even time to go, I had started having second thoughts. No, I was not brainwashed by all the bitter ranting on the other thread about how evil and predatory men are especially if they are a lot older than a girl. Honestly, I did not apply a word of that to this guy. But, to be honest, it really started getting to me about how he is my dad's age and his kids are way closer to my age than he is. I started to get uncomfortable. Which was weird because when I had not been thinking about that at all on our first date, I was TOTALLY comfortable with him.

 

So I was feeling kind of awkward.

 

And guess what. When he came to pick me up he looked down. We got in the car and he did not start it. He wanted to talk to me. He told me he really liked me and felt this big connection. But the age difference. He felt wrong about it after thought. And he even apologized to me for making out with me. I felt bad about that.

 

And he said goodnight to me, leaned over and hugged me, and that was all.

 

Even though I was having second thoughts, I was not ready for that. I feel rejected.

 

I think I hate dating.

[CC12]

I think I hate dating.

 

Everyone hates dating at one point or another. Rejection sucks but it's just part of dating.

 

I'm not sure if this will make you feel any better, but as far as "breakups" go, this was a pretty good one. He was completely honest, clear, and gentle about it. He didn't string you along, didn't use you for your company, didn't push you away trying to make you be the one to end it with him. There are lots of stupid games people play when breaking it off with someone. It could have been worse.

 

And now you've got a little more experience under your belt. You had a fun make out session with an older gentleman who you hadn't gotten attached to yet. You were even having second thoughts about his age. I know rejection stings, but all in all, this one wasn't so bad, right?

 

You'll be okay. Go out and keep meeting new people.

[sillyanswer]

Well, that did not go as I had hoped and expected. I'm disheartened.

 

I'm sorry it went that way, but as 'breakups' go that sounds like a reasonably gentle one. It'll smart for a while since it sounds like you liked him, but you'll find someone else attractive who finds you attractive.

[Untouched]

Thanks you guys. Of course I am not giving up. I am on a mission. A dating mission. That sounds weird.

[preraph]

I just want to congratulate you on insisting on living your own life rather than that of your parents. I know it takes guts.

 

If you get as far as 3 dates with a guy and aren't ready to dump him by then, tell him what you've told us: that this is a big step for you and you will do it at your own pace. You cannot believe guys. Too many of them will say or do anything to get into your pants. Don't be in a big hurry to have sex. Do things in the right order.

 

First, get yourself on birth control. But use condoms too. Condoms fail and can come off and some guys will convertly take them off because they don't like them. So don't leave birth control up to anyone but yourself. I like the pill, been on it my whole life.

 

The other thing I'd recommend is that you be sure you know your own body before you start sharing it with anyone else. Because you came from that shaming religious culture, this is increasing your fear and causing you anxiety. I know because I came from a fundamentalist community too, although my parents weren't quite as bad as the rest of the community, but my mom still acted like sex was dirty, and that stuff affects you. But it goes away once you take charge of yourself. So spend some time "taking care of yourself," if you know what I mean so that you know what you like and at least get used to the physical part of sex before jumping in with someone else.

 

Any man who pressures you, kick them out and keep them out. That's a sign of no respect for your opinion (once you've told them what the deal is, of course).