Personality Overriding Physical Looks

[Mysterio]

Why do you think that this is the problem with relationships these days. When I look back at my life and have observed others. It has to be about physical looks. What else would stop a couple from getting together?

 

I could understand man rejecting for woman having chin hairs or un groomed. From a guys perspective. On the flip side for a woman. A man ungroomed is not going to score points.

 

I am on here to learn and hear what other people have to say. I wish that we could override our physical looks thing. We don't have it when it comes to our opposite sex friends. So why do we have it when it comes to love.

 

I see myself as an 8 out of 10 because I need to loose a little bit of weight. Thats the only thing I don't like about my looks. I am a black male thats 5'9 and weigh 225 lbs. I should be around 190lbs at the most.

 

I do dress sharp. My teeth are white straight/clean. I shave my head bald as I look better that way.

 

I just get the feeling my parents generation were not really as looks focused as our generation. Even my Grandparents as well.

 

In the end you are dealing with personality. Not looks as much.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Well it's pretty simple. In order to have a chance that your relationship lasts a long time, there has to be both physical and emotional attraction. If one of the two are missing it's not going to last. There's got to be some basic feeling that you like to get naked with this person. But at the same time you need to feel emotionally close.

 

It's hard to find a person where both boxes are ticket but that is what makes love so beautiful; the fact that you rarely find it. And when you've found that special person this person - even though not perfect - becomes totally unique in your eyes.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

I am on here to learn and hear what other people have to say. I wish that we could override our physical looks thing. We don't have it when it comes to our opposite sex friends. So why do we have it when it comes to love.

 

 

Looks matter when it comes to everything.

 

Our physical appearance helps shape the type of personality we develop when we are young. So, indirectly, it helps shape the type of friends who choose us and vice versa. Even directly for some.

 

Even at work, for instance, smaller guys get less respect.

 

It's just the way it is. Just try and avoid doing it yourself and surround yourself more with people who don't.

[Mascara]

It's not about looks, it's about attraction. And they are two entirely different things. I've never been very attracted to classically good-looking men.

[preraph]

Looks usually matter in friendship too. More with some people than with others. I'm from an older generation and looks have always been the first filter in choosing someone. Women simply aren't going to feel sexual unless they're physically attracted to someone. No one wants to spend their life obligated by marriage to have sex with someone they don't want to. And women have a smaller range of what they find attractive. Men always want the best looking girl in the room, but the truth is they'll do whoever they have to have sex rather than go without it. I agree it appears to be a big conflict to pairing up, so I can only conclude we're not all meant to pair up.

[mammasita]

Looks matter, but they're subjective.

 

The rating scale is garbage. OP you rate yourself an 8 of 10......I might rate you a 5, a random stranger might rate you a 2, another might rate you a 10+.

 

I'm quite sure not everyone finds my BF attractive, but to me he is sexy. That's all that matters. You find that one person and that one person finds you.

[Emilia]

I just get the feeling my parents generation were not really as looks focused as our generation. Even my Grandparents as well.

 

In the end you are dealing with personality. Not looks as much.

Those days you didn't get a choice when it came to personality either. People didn't have as many options as they do today, folks got married, younger than today and divorce was looked down on.

 

I don't understand why personality and looks are separated, by the way. Your weight, they way you look after yourself physically is part of your personality. You wear your inside on the outside.

[Emilia]

It's not about looks, it's about attraction. And they are two entirely different things. I've never been very attracted to classically good-looking men.

Me neither, facial symmetry is over-rated I prefer character.

[PinkInTheLimo]

It's not about looks, it's about attraction. And they are two entirely different things. I've never been very attracted to classically good-looking men.

 

Same here. Drop dead gorgeous does not do it for me. I always joke that I am attracted to "handsome ugly men".

 

Like in "Sex and the City": for me the sexiest guy there was Charlotte's husband Harry. Found him way more attractive than Samantha's hunk.

[BlueIris]

What else would stop a couple from getting together?

 

Lack of emotional and intellectual connection, lack of mutual appreciation, lack of sympatico, enjoyment of each other and feeling that the other understands and appreciates who you are inside. People today seem to make decisions and have sex faster than we used to, before they know the other person’s character and personality and before they’ve connected (or not) at some deeper level. Maybe that accounts for the fizzles and fades over a few weeks or months that seem to be so common now. In my opinion, the sequence is just backwards for many people today, but the criteria have not changed.

[No Limit]

Living in a rather... humble area, my focus is on intellect. Heck, I've fallen for 3 of my newest college teachers already. They might not look as sexy as the Playgirl studs, but damn. Luckily my class has only female teachers, I don't know how I'd ever focus on the lesson otherwise.

[Imported]

I just get the feeling my parents generation were not really as looks focused as our generation. Even my Grandparents as well.

 

In the end you are dealing with personality. Not looks as much.

 

Your parents and grandparents were looks focused as well, they just didn't talk about it on the internet with millions of other people. And women back then didn't really make a living on their own and were much much more dependent.

 

In the end, most people will go for people they are physically attracted to, get to know that persons personality and then stay or not stay with them. Rinse, repeat till they find what they want.

 

I am sure you do the same, but you want to think you're different. Because when you do it, it's different.

[GemmaUK]

What else would stop a couple from getting together?

Morals, values, communication requirements (which we have now but not so much years ago)

 

I could understand man rejecting for woman having chin hairs or un groomed. From a guys perspective. On the flip side for a woman. A man ungroomed is not going to score points.

News report today is that far far less men groom themselves.

 

I am on here to learn and hear what other people have to say. I wish that we could override our physical looks thing. We don't have it when it comes to our opposite sex friends. So why do we have it when it comes to love.

Most people will not want to sleep with someone they find unattractive physically.

 

I see myself as an 8 out of 10 because I need to loose a little bit of weight. Thats the only thing I don't like about my looks. I am a black male thats 5'9 and weigh 225 lbs. I should be around 190lbs at the most.

 

I do dress sharp. My teeth are white straight/clean. I shave my head bald as I look better that way.

Really? 8/10 and 2 stone overweight?

I'm at a good weight 8st, just over 5ft, been told I am beautiful and see myself as a 6/10.

 

I just get the feeling my parents generation were not really as looks focused as our generation. Even my Grandparents as well.

They married for love but also stability. Men took pride in being the breadwinner and they showed they would be and wanted to be.

Women had far less job options...heck..even now we don't get equal pay for equal roles...there was a news report about it only last week!

 

In the end you are dealing with personality. Not looks as much.

 

It's actually always both.

Looks draw you in..personality keeps you.

If looks didn't draw a woman then that is usually a big part of why later the sex life goes downhill.

[AD1980]

Morals, values, communication requirements (which we have now but not so much years ago)

 

 

News report today is that far far less men groom themselves.

 

 

Most people will not want to sleep with someone they find unattractive physically.

 

 

Really? 8/10 and 2 stone overweight?

I'm at a good weight 8st, just over 5ft, been told I am beautiful and see myself as a 6/10.

 

 

They married for love but also stability. Men took pride in being the breadwinner and they showed they would be and wanted to be.

Women had far less job options...heck..even now we don't get equal pay for equal roles...there was a news report about it only last week!

 

 

 

 

It's actually always both.

Looks draw you in..personality keeps you.

If looks didn't draw a woman then that is usually a big part of why later the sex life goes downhill.

 

So you're saying only very good looking people can be attractive to their spouses?

[D.Mc.]

Well it's pretty simple. In order to have a chance that your relationship lasts a long time, there has to be both physical and emotional attraction. If one of the two are missing it's not going to last. There's got to be some basic feeling that you like to get naked with this person.

 

I bold typed the basic truth of finding a partner.

 

Physical attraction will NEVER be factored out of R/S's. It may be a different level of PA for each individual but the other person has to have it for you to want to get to know anything else about them. Once the PA is done, it's true that all you have is personality. Some people break up w/very good looking SO's b/c the personality mismatch overrides the PA, but you can believe that they would have broken up w/less attractive people much much quicker. IMO as a female, who's gonna be given a 2nd chance after cheating, lying, whatever R/S no-no's: the 25 y.o. bikini model or the 50 y.o. who's overweight/wrinkled etc.?

 

Looks don't matter in opposite sex friendships b/c there is no sexual attraction for each other & why? Because there was no PA or it's not reciprocated, if it were they would not be friends but would have tried for a R/S (movie & tv rom-com's plot lie) It's a circle: to get a partner you have to be PA to them & they have to be PA to you.

 

If you talk to couples who moved from "friends" to lovers, if they are honest they will admit to having PA for each other from the start, that they would have been able to start out as bf-gf if other factors didn't interfere...

[braindamage]

For some it matters for some it don't - most people are probably somewhere in the shades of grey in between. Personally it doesn't bother me that much but I understand why others might be. It's all about finding something you are happy with.

[GemmaUK]

So you're saying only very good looking people can be attractive to their spouses?

 

I neither said nor implied that.

[Kid_Charlemange]

 

The rating scale is garbage. OP you rate yourself an 8 of 10......I might rate you a 5, a random stranger might rate you a 2, another might rate you a 10+.

 

Absolutely true. On an individual basis, there is no telling who will react to whom. However, as we collect more and more opinions, we get a better picture. I'm sure some women don't find George Clooney attractive, but most do. A vast majority do, in fact, so he winds up on the cover of People magazine.

 

I've talked about this on other threads, but on the OLD site OKCupid the people who view your profile can rank you from 1-5 stars. If you're slightly sneaky, you can figure out your own rating.

 

Mine is not very high. I shrug that off, because of this:

 

I'm quite sure not everyone finds my BF attractive, but to me he is sexy. That's all that matters. You find that one person and that one person finds you.

 

Bingo! I'm not dating the thousands of women on OKC who gave me 1 star. I'm not looking to have a relationship with those thousands of women. I am (or rather, was) looking to have one with one woman. And if she finds me attractive, nothing else matters. My pool of "candidates" is smaller than for most guys. But that still leaves millions of women out there. So yes, looks matter, but not enough to get upset about it, especially since there is very often nothing we can do about it.

[carhill]

Why do you think that this is the problem with relationships these days. When I look back at my life and have observed others. It has to be about physical looks. What else would stop a couple from getting together?

 

I see it like this: Mutual physical attractiveness, before anything is known about the person, is what gets the interview, the proverbial 'we saw each other across the room and couldn't take our eyes off each other'. Nearly everything after that is personality and compatibility.

 

I could understand man rejecting for woman having chin hairs or un groomed. From a guys perspective. On the flip side for a woman. A man ungroomed is not going to score points.

 

Very important stuff for first impressions. Humans, in general, make instant judgments on these impressions. Yes, we can 'think about it' after the fact, but that's processing.

 

I am on here to learn and hear what other people have to say. I wish that we could override our physical looks thing. We don't have it when it comes to our opposite sex friends. So why do we have it when it comes to love.

 

IMO, it's possible to have at least some of it socialized out of one, but it must start at an early age and by example and teaching of the parties who socialize, and reinforced during peer integration, where interactions are often strictly at the more superficial levels.

 

I see myself as an 8 out of 10 because I need to loose a little bit of weight. Thats the only thing I don't like about my looks. I am a black male thats 5'9 and weigh 225 lbs. I should be around 190lbs at the most.

 

I've never gone in much for 'rating' scales in such matters, but OK, sounds good. I'm about 2" taller and weigh about the same, basically the same as in 9th grade when I played football. Too much fat though. Old man fat

 

I do dress sharp. My teeth are white straight/clean. I shave my head bald as I look better that way.

 

You're invested in and aware of your appearance and, IMO, as a social creature, that's healthy.

 

I just get the feeling my parents generation were not really as looks focused as our generation. Even my Grandparents as well.

 

Hard to know. My parents would probably be of the same generation as your grandparents, or older and it seemed appearance was important in first impressions back then too, based on the media of the times. I do know, only because I still have a copy of the ad, the first time my dad saw my mom was in a newspaper ad where she happened to be modeling women's clothes for a store where he bought his suits. He started frequenting that store more often!

 

In the end you are dealing with personality. Not looks as much.

 

In general, I would agree. However, having been married, I also see traction for the value of strong attraction based on appearance being a 'value added' aspect of a marriage, especially if and when things get difficult, and life can make things difficult even if the parties otherwise don't contribute to it. Life throws stuff at us. With strong attraction and being, situationally 'easy on the eyes' (at the individual level, not on a 'scale'), there's more 'glue' to hold things together when the mettle of the marriage is tested. With 'meh' attraction, it's easy for things to go sideways. It's easier to 'fall out of love'.

 

Perhaps, in past generations, where the law and societal pressure repressed such propensities, couples with 'meh' attraction stayed together through the bad times and traveled to a healthier place over time, simply because of the pressure to stay in the milieu. Today, that pressure is largely gone. People do pretty much whatever they feel like in this realm, so appearance can re-assert its importance in interactions. I don't see that as a negative at all. It's honest. What I don't like is when people obfuscate it with a lot of double-talk.

 

When I was younger, I always respected women who rejected me because they didn't like the way I looked and told me so, even though they had no clue of my personality, life achievements or potential as a partner. I was simply unattractive to them. I didn't get the interview. I despised the ones who tricked me and played with me to serve their own nefarious needs or desires, which makes a wonderful case for how personality can obviate looks. I was attracted to their looks, initially, but 'getting to know' them became a turn-off.

 

Good luck in your pursuits. IMO, you'll do fine. My only advice is to keep the accounting stuff in perspective. Think of romance more like music than a spreadsheet.

[HumptyDumpty]

Well, interesting topic...

 

Looks matter, in the sense of being clean! When a guy always smells, I'm gone! Sadly, I know guys that don't use deodorant at all or that have a bad breath and refuse my minty fresh chewing-gum! Not attractive at all! Person needs to be clean! Clean clothes, smell nice, and a minimum of personal hygiene, like looking after the beard if there is one, etc! You know, minimum of effort before going outside, no need to overdress!

 

Now, looks... there's only one type of guys I'd reject based on this, and those are some small guys! They can be nice, and be my friend, but I don't find this specific type of guys highly attractive weirdly!

 

Otherwise, I'm open-minded, as long as I can imagine kissing the guy, they're good to go!

 

Now,a guy gets me chasing when I get to know him better! Yes, there was this guy I saw from time to time and it was neutral, I never thought that I'd chase him!

But then, one day we started to joke around. More and more. And that's where the guy became highly attractive for me! When a guy reflects a bit my personality, it makes me fall madly in love, and vice-versa!

 

So, I could come across any guy, thinking, meh! But when we start to talk, when it's easy and not awkward to talk, when we make each other laugh... the attraction kicks in and I start to flirt! And it all goes from there!

 

So, personality is a plus for me! I'm not a sexy beast, but my personality had gotten me some guys chasing me! "Oh you're so funny", "I feel good when I'm around you" are the most common phrases I hear, my butt and boobs are there but it's more of a plus after having passed the personality check!