Some wish it was back to the "Good old days" of dating

[irc333]

If anyone is aware of on POF, it TOO also has a message board. VERY lengthy thread about the difficulties of online dating. One woman chimed in near the end that she wishes it was like the old days where men just approached a woman, had a stimulating conversation, and that's that.

 

Someone responded using a rather man-hating female on that message board as an example. Apparently she lives in a rather small town in Canada. Men do approach her, she's attractive...actually a major Sci-Fi geek according to her dating profile. (Tried to contact her about that...no response, she won't even pen-pal with a fellow Sci-Fi geek, LOL).

 

Anyhow, they cited her as an example that her, and tons of women like her do NOT like being approached in grocery lines, coffee shops while reading, gyms, you name it . Of course her experience that these guys are persistent in her home town. Though she tends to routinely hang out in local bars...so obviously, its going to keep happening. lol

 

Now...women have the option of being reclusive, hiding behind the computer screen with the ability to control who emails them with a simple "Delete" of the key. I think the online world is enabling people socially and thus why have their face buried in smart phones all the time, making little eye contact as possible. In person, you can't control who approaches you.

 

Basically, women don't like being approached in the same fashion as our parents hooked up.

 

Also, asking questions to a woman face-to-face like "So...are you single? Married? Children" are terrible first time conversation subjects that will send a woman fleeing.

 

A man responded that most of his relationships started when he showed no interest in women in public. He mentioned how he was biking on the paved trail, and a woman that was riding near him asked him if she could "draft" behind him. After that all said and done, they arrived at the parking lot, put away their equipment...and she asked for his #...the rest was history.

 

GO figure, right? LOL

[hotpotato]

I dont think searching for people works. I think it helps to be doing some kind of activity and enjoying yourself. Then you are more relaxed and open to others. Thats just my theory.

 

I do wish things would go back to the old days in some ways. Like, why is it so hard to go through weeks or months without sex? I get tired of "Hey you want the D? Weve known each other for a whole one hour dinner!"

 

I am in the zone while working out or reading, so I wouldnt want to be approached at those times either.

[irc333]

I dont think searching for people works. I think it helps to be doing some kind of activity and enjoying yourself. Then you are more relaxed and open to others. Thats just my theory.

 

I do wish things would go back to the old days in some ways. Like, why is it so hard to go through weeks or months without sex? I get tired of "Hey you want the D? Weve known each other for a whole one hour dinner!"

 

I am in the zone while working out or reading, so I wouldnt want to be approached at those times either.

 

I'm never in any kind of "zone" ... so it's moot.

[hotpotato]

I'm never in any kind of "zone" ... so it's moot.

 

It matters to some women evidently. I dont like to be interrupted while I am concentrating and focused. Its nothing personal, thats just how some people are.

[irc333]

It matters to some women evidently. I dont like to be interrupted while I am concentrating and focused. Its nothing personal, thats just how some people are.

 

 

Actually, that focus will likely be broken by a man who they find attractive.

[hotpotato]

Actually, that focus will likely be broken by a man who they find attractive.

 

I dont know what to tell you, attractive people often get more looks!

Honestly, ive been distracted for a split second a handful of times but never enough to stop and chit chat.

[MissBee]

I don't know any woman personally who hates being approached in real life. Most of my friends don't even online date, so the ONLY way they are getting dates is via in person interactions.

 

It's probably more about if they are currently available and looking and find the man appealing and his approach endearing than just this blanket hatred of being approached in real life. If your approach is weird, pushy or she just isn't into you chances are she will seem annoyed versus if she is single, looking and is feeling you. Also, if you're at the gym and are concentrating on working out or are in some other space where you're busy being hit on may not be welcome. When I get approached I tend to be pleasant towards the guy, even if I don't like him, UNLESS he is just very pushy, rude or weird then I have no qualms about and saying no thanks and walking off.

 

I would MUCH prefer to be approached by a man I find appealing in person than to OLD (it's also a much cuter story. OLD is common these days so I am sure lots of peoples "how we met" story is something like that but it's really not as endearing or interesting as "how we met" stories which happen offline). I OLD because of some of the things you mentioned: you can filter, everyone on there is looking to date so there is no guessing about it like in real life and also I find it proactive where I can search for someone actively whereas in real life you can't really search for someone in the same way and it's more about chance. However, I would love if desirable men would approach me more in person and maybe in the old days, where you had no other option but in person, it might have made men more willing to put themselves out there. So I'd take back the old days for that reason and for the fact that people called and didn't just text .

Edited October 1, 2014 by MissBee

[Priv]

So I'd take back the old days for that reason and for the fact that people called and didn't just text .

 

Calling is just as bad as texting. I long for the old old days. Like the 1800s.

[Cristo]

I dont think searching for people works. I think it helps to be doing some kind of activity and enjoying yourself. Then you are more relaxed and open to others. Thats just my theory.

 

I disagree.

 

For the most part, the men that I know that are in successful marriages either were specifically looking for women or found one and went pretty hard to get them despite initial rejection.

 

This will likely be the route that I take because it's what I've observed working in real life (as opposed to advice on an anonymous internet forum).

[irc333]

I disagree.

 

For the most part, the men that I know that are in successful marriages either were specifically looking for women or found one and went pretty hard to get them despite initial rejection.

 

This will likely be the route that I take because it's what I've observed working in real life (as opposed to advice on an anonymous internet forum).

 

Yeah I get a kick out of how people met , even men who "claim" to say they never even approached them or pretended not to notice them. Or played it "cooL" by not doing anything. and the something "Magical" happened.

 

Men pursue, regardless of what they say their strategy is. If I just ignored women or didn't make the move to ask them out, I'd indeed be dateless. lol

[Woggle]

We are living in the kind of society many claimed to want but many seem to have buyer's remorse.

[WesternWizard]

What Woggle said. But I think the buyer's remorse comes largely from people who don't know what they want. They know they want something, most are just vague on what it is.

 

But I digress... yes, OP, a lot of us DO want the old days back (though I'm definitely not one of them). There's no shortage of men who wish we could all just go back to the days of wearing primitive outfits made of animal skins, and carry big wooden clubs... you see a woman you want, you run over and crack her over the head with your club, drag her back to your cave by her hair, and before you know it, you'll have half a dozen little brats trashing the cave and drawing pics of wild bulls on the walls. Heaven on Earth!

[irc333]

What Woggle said. But I think the buyer's remorse comes largely from people who don't know what they want. They know they want something, most are just vague on what it is.

 

But I digress... yes, OP, a lot of us DO want the old days back (though I'm definitely not one of them). There's no shortage of men who wish we could all just go back to the days of wearing primitive outfits made of animal skins, and carry big wooden clubs... you see a woman you want, you run over and crack her over the head with your club, drag her back to your cave by her hair, and before you know it, you'll have half a dozen little brats trashing the cave and drawing pics of wild bulls on the walls. Heaven on Earth!

 

I kind of like the WW II days where men would just pick a woman from the USA dance and say, "I'm going to marry that gal" and umpteen kids, grandkids, great kids later...they've been married 80 years.

[Cristo]

I think it depends on what you want. From what I've seen, the quality women in the US are the ones that spend a good portion of their 20s in school. Of course, these women are more likely to be manly. However, this is not necessarily a bad thing, as you could work it so that you are a stay-at-home dad and she brings home the paycheck (I know men that have done this). It can be a good setup.

 

But if you want to be the man and want a woman that is more feminine, you can go to other countries and easily find that.

 

So, in some ways, you really have infinite choices these days, while back then, you really only had one choice.

[MissBee]

Calling is just as bad as texting. I long for the old old days. Like the 1800s.

 

Not for me .

 

But shoot, even the days of letter writing and penmanship might still be better than people who incessantly text.

[BlueIris]

But I think the buyer's remorse comes largely from people who don't know what they want. They know they want something, most are just vague on what it is.

 

I agree! People also seem to resent conforming to what they consider oppressive societal standards. Lots of those standards provided parameters for acceptable behavior during dating as well.

 

I dunno. Every generation seems to have grousers and the grouse often glorify the past to justify dissatisfaction.

 

I agree with what HotPotato said about sex, though, and kind of laughed. I've had men push the Interview Sex theory on me ("we have to have sex to know if we want to date/ are compatible") while simultaneously griping about women who have had sex with every guy they dated for a few weeks or months, racking up dozens of conquests. So even they're caught in their own web and confusion. Nobody's got it figured out as far as I can tell.

[MissBee]

I think it depends on what you want. From what I've seen, the quality women in the US are the ones that spend a good portion of their 20s in school. Of course, these women are more likely to be manly. However, this is not necessarily a bad thing, as you could work it so that you are a stay-at-home dad and she brings home the paycheck (I know men that have done this). It can be a good setup.

 

But if you want to be the man and want a woman that is more feminine, you can go to other countries and easily find that.

 

So, in some ways, you really have infinite choices these days, while back then, you really only had one choice.

 

What do you classify as being manly?

 

In any event I've watched some of those documentaries on men who look for mail order brides and women from other countries who are often uneducated and economically disadvantaged....and it is no surprise why they have to resort to women who essentially have little choice and see finding an American man as a way out of economic hardship, where if they weren't in that position they'd probably never choose them. These men are often no catch and it is no surprise they have a hard time dating a woman who has her life on track and doesn't need them for financial or immigration purposes.

[Woggle]

I also think some people just like complaining about things. They won't be happy no matter what. If things are up they want to go down and when you go down after so much complaining they ask why you don't go up anymore. A lot of people are just miserable and insufferable anymore.

[Cristo]

What do you classify as being manly?

 

Women that are in high power positions. Female bosses, doctors, lawyers, etc. Career women.

 

In any event I've watched some of those documentaries on men who look for mail order brides and women from other countries who are often uneducated and economically disadvantaged....and it is no surprise why they have to resort to women who essentially have little choice and see finding an American man as a way out of economic hardship, where if they weren't in that position they'd probably never choose them. These men are often no catch and it is no surprise they have a hard time dating a woman who has her life on track and doesn't need them for financial or immigration purposes.

 

Documentaries cater to a particular audience and have a need to be dramatic. I don't think a look at successful marriages would be as interesting as focusing on the failures.

 

I know many people that have gone abroad for a wife with great success. More often than not, they are nothing like the people in that mail order bride TV show, for example. These people are specifically chosen because it's obvious that there is something really off with either the guy or the girl. It's purely for entertainment purposes.

 

Going overseas absolutely can work if you are willing to put in the time and the effort to find a good woman, but the same can be said for being successful here.

[hotpotato]

Not for me .

 

But shoot, even the days of letter writing and penmanship might still be better than people who incessantly text.

 

I like letters and build up. That is something that I find valuable but is going to the wayside. Nowadays, its "hey you wanna f----?" right off the bat.

[MissBee]

Women that are in high power positions. Female bosses, doctors, lawyers, etc. Career women.

 

 

 

Documentaries cater to a particular audience and have a need to be dramatic. I don't think a look at successful marriages would be as interesting as focusing on the failures.

 

I know many people that have gone abroad for a wife with great success. More often than not, they are nothing like the people in that mail order bride TV show, for example. These people are specifically chosen because it's obvious that there is something really off with either the guy or the girl. It's purely for entertainment purposes.

 

Going overseas absolutely can work if you are willing to put in the time and the effort to find a good woman, but the same can be said for being successful here.

 

 

They didn't show whether or not these people's relationships failed...but the fact that they sought them out in the first place was what was interesting and the kinds of men who seemed to look for this was telling. It didn't seem like any of the men who did this were a hot commodity where they lived is the point and seemed to only feel good or powerful if they could be with a woman who needed them: and these women who barely spoke English most times, had no legal status, could not work in America, were not educated would be reliant on them totally. It said quite A LOT about them.

 

As for the fact that you think being a lawyer, doctor, boss etc correlates to manliness...sounds like some kind of 14th century logic. You're still gonna have to find a particular kind of "foreign woman", i.e. one that is uneducated and often impoverished or from some type of super traditional community, because in this day and age, unless a woman is from an economically impoverished background, women from "foreign countries" also get education and are also lawyers, doctors, bosses, and *gasp* in lots of developing countries they are Prime Ministers!

 

So just admit educated women turn you off, foreign or not, because you still wouldn't seek out a "foreign" woman lawyer, doctor or Prime Minister. You probably won't do it, but if I were you I'd really consider why this is such a huge deal for you. I mean to each his own, these types of women probably wouldn't ever date someone who thought like you, so I guess it is all self-selecting. As many female lawyers, doctors, secretaries of state and the rest *gasp* have husbands too and another *gasp* their husbands are often EQUALLY as powerful and "manly." So it's clear the fear and labeling of an educated professional woman as manly is probably your own strange fear...while lots of women like this get on fine and lots of men like this and don't feel threatened or castrated by it.

[Cristo]

They didn't show whether or not these people's relationships failed...but the fact that they sought them out in the first place was what was interesting and the kinds of men who seemed to look for this was telling. It didn't seem like any of the men who did this were a hot commodity where they lived is the point and seemed to only feel good or powerful if they could be with a woman who needed them: and these women who barely spoke English most times, had no legal status, could not work in America, were not educated would be reliant on them totally. It said quite A LOT about them.

 

I think you'll be hard-pressed to find guys in America that are "hot commodities". Personally, I never had trouble attracting women here, but I would definitely not say that I'm in great demand.

 

It has nothing (or little) to do with feeling powerful. The fact of the matter is that American men have the kind of mate selection in these countries that American women have in the US.

 

As for the fact that you think being a lawyer, doctor, boss etc correlates to manliness...sounds like some kind of 14th century logic. You're still gonna have to find a particular kind of "foreign woman", i.e. one that is uneducated and often impoverished or from some type of super traditional community, because in this day and age, unless a woman is from an economically impoverished background, women from "foreign countries" also get education and are also lawyers, doctors, bosses, and *gasp* in lots of developing countries they are Prime Ministers!

 

Many women from third world countries train to be nurses. Very few aspire to be doctors or lawyers.

 

So just admit educated women turn you off, foreign or not, because you still wouldn't seek out a "foreign" woman lawyer, doctor or Prime Minister. You probably won't do it, but if I were you I'd really consider why this is such a huge deal for you. I mean to each his own, these types of women probably wouldn't ever date someone who thought like you, so I guess it is all self-selecting. As many female lawyers, doctors, secretaries of state and the rest *gasp* have husbands too and another *gasp* their husbands are often EQUALLY as powerful and "manly." So it's clear the fear and labeling of an educated professional woman as manly is probably your own strange fear...while lots of women like this get on fine and lots of men like this and don't feel threatened or castrated by it.

 

Unfortunately, no relationship is truly equal.

 

In any event, educated women don't turn me off. In fact, I'm trying to decide on the kind of lifestyle that I want as a husband. I work in a field with many high-powered women whose personalities reflect traditionally masculine traits (better? lol). I like spending time with them, but I'm a bit Type A myself so I believe that we may clash. Also, I will be more likely to have to take on the traditionally female role in the relationship (maybe stay at home dad?), which is not necessarily a bad thing.

 

(Uneducated women in the US are not an option for me.)

 

Or I could go overseas and meet a girl in a country that has more traditional values. Again, I am by no means set on this, but it is an option. While I do agree that these women (in my experience) are not nearly as submissive as most guys seem to believe, they still take on the traditional female roles that the high-powered American women no longer embrace. Of course, the downside of this is that I would likely be the sole earner and that would put a lot of pressure on me.

 

So this is something that I will need to think long and hard about.

 

Again, my posts are not a knock to American women, as I date them too and like them as well. I'm just acknowledging the differences between the two.

Edited October 2, 2014 by Cristo

[irc333]

Many women from third world countries train to be nurses. Very few aspire to be doctors or lawyers.

 

Yeah, I think every Filipina I've ever met here in the United States were either a nurse, occupational therapist, physical therapist...or anything in the medical field.

 

I just take the opportunity to ask them out while they are on their Work Visas. lol...not go overseas to seek them out.

[irc333]

It's likely personality or geography. Where I live, even if you have an opportunity to chat up a woman waiting idly in line for her order or sitting waiting on a order at a store or something.

 

When you try to talk to them, you get this, "Why is this guy trying to talk to me" vibe from her.

 

I had a friend of mine travel out of state. He was with a group of male friends and he was leaving some kind of concert. He and all of his male buddies were hanging out out front, when a group of women approached THEM out of the blue and introduced themselves...then they all hung out together.

 

SO obviously its geography, too.

 

OR...personality types. Usually people that are reclusive in nature that typically seek the solace of online dating as their means of meeting people. They aren't really good at handling real life social interactions and find pleasure in filtering out men and controlling the flow of those that enter their inbox on POF...while they ignore the rest of the world while running errands in the real life doing their own thing.

 

Kind of reminds me of this woman that showed up to a Meetup after having been with Meetup for about 5 years, she's rarely been to events, rarely active. I knew she looked familiar, as I hadn't seen the pic in years.

 

We talked a bit at the restaurant as we sat across from each other...then we all parted ways.

 

I went to contact her at home through the Meetup site. I asked her if she was going to the "such and such" Meetup this week.

 

She gave me a really ...strange response...she said, "I don't know how to put this...but...I really don't follow the Meetup site nor receive the emails or notifications of future events from them and no I don't plan on being at the said event, but I'm sure you'll have a good time.

 

She dropped off the radar, hadn't seen her in months, then saw her at the local grocery store. She wasn't shopping, as we were passing by each other at the entrance...I said "Hey..long time no see!" and she was like "Oh heey!" It was a passing 'Hi".

 

So when I got home I sent her an email saying what she's been up to lately, but no response. *shrug*

 

So she sounds like one of those reclusive, perpetually single women that isn't even much for socializing with EITHER gender. She works a nominal government job in a backwater town..no kids ..never married.

 

This isn't the only I've met. I'd meet women that were +1's or 2's to a regular Meetup attendee events. I'd ask them if they were members, and they say they weren't.

 

I'd never see them of course, but the regular who brought them would say that they were just checking things out and not really keen on these events as too many guys would try to hit on them.

 

She even claimed that one of her friends has enough men hitting on her in public as it was...so thus the last thing she needs is to attend an ORGANIZED function set up for people to "make new friends.'

 

FINALLY, the girlfriend that I was dating the past couple of months dropped out of the Meetup site altogether. Said she gave it a shot, but would rather just hang out the at the bar she's been hanging out at...meeting people there...organically of course.

 

She's not a heavy drinker at all, but just enjoys the ambiance and people watching, but's befriended a lot of alcoholics while she was there. Yeah, real winners, man.

 

I don't know any woman personally who hates being approached in real life. Most of my friends don't even online date, so the ONLY way they are getting dates is via in person interactions.

 

It's probably more about if they are currently available and looking and find the man appealing and his approach endearing than just this blanket hatred of being approached in real life. If your approach is weird, pushy or she just isn't into you chances are she will seem annoyed versus if she is single, looking and is feeling you. Also, if you're at the gym and are concentrating on working out or are in some other space where you're busy being hit on may not be welcome. When I get approached I tend to be pleasant towards the guy, even if I don't like him, UNLESS he is just very pushy, rude or weird then I have no qualms about and saying no thanks and walking off.

 

I would MUCH prefer to be approached by a man I find appealing in person than to OLD (it's also a much cuter story. OLD is common these days so I am sure lots of peoples "how we met" story is something like that but it's really not as endearing or interesting as "how we met" stories which happen offline). I OLD because of some of the things you mentioned: you can filter, everyone on there is looking to date so there is no guessing about it like in real life and also I find it proactive where I can search for someone actively whereas in real life you can't really search for someone in the same way and it's more about chance. However, I would love if desirable men would approach me more in person and maybe in the old days, where you had no other option but in person, it might have made men more willing to put themselves out there. So I'd take back the old days for that reason and for the fact that people called and didn't just text .

[thefooloftheyear]

The thing that was cool bout the "old days"..(this was the early/mid 80's,) girls left cool little love notes in my locker by stuffing them through the vents.. It was neat to open my locker and get a surprise...

 

I dunno if its better or worse...If anything I am finding women are far more aggressive and will pursue much more than in the past..That would be good for someone like me that isnt one to cold approach a woman..

 

TFY