Physical Looks vs Personality

[Mysterio]

So in your mind. Be you attached or not.

 

What do you think matters more. Physical looks to get into a Romantic Relationship. Or Personality? Or what percentage in your mind do you come up with.

 

At this stage of my life at 45. Its Personality first by at least 60 percent. Then 40% looks for me.

 

Unless that woman is really playful and flirtatious with me on a regular basis and making some sort of an effort to get to know me. Just Physical looks does not cut it for me anymore.

 

I am more a face guy than anything. I would rather have a woman with a great looking face that is kind and playful and has an average body. Than a great body, but the face is unkempt in some way.

[central]

Appearance will get me interested in a romantic relationship, but only personality will keep me coming back for more. In the first few weeks, it's 70% looks, 30% personality. After that, it's 70% personality (compatibility) and 30% looks. And no amount of great personality will make me interested in a romantic relationship if there isn't strong physical attraction.

[preraph]

First there has to be attraction, but sometimes the attraction isn't classical beauty or handsomeness, but a certain type that appeals to you and maybe not everyone. But the physical attractiveness needs to be there for me (woman) or I am not sure why I need to partner up because I didn't want kids so I wasn't looking for a "fatherly" type. Even if I was, to make the kids, he'd have to be attractive to me, at least initially. And if that wore off, like it does for a lot of people, I'd hope I loved him deeply enough to keep him happy, but if I didn't and was making him miserable, I'd leave.

 

I've met a lot of perfect looking guys who were too bland for me. I'm unconventional. I don't like athlete types or nerds or anyone too conventional, whether that's reflected in the way they dress or cut their hair or their whole lifestyle. Not attracted to it. So looks alone, just plain physical good looks, doesn't do it for me. They need to have some of that and then be the kind of person I like, and certainly a fun personality will bring anyone male or female up a notch on the attractiveness scale because, one, happy people look more attractive, and, two, witty charming people make you feel good about yourself.

[carhill]

OP, I'd be curious to better understand the qualification of 'at this stage'. Like yourself, I'm older but my attraction style has remained relatively unchanged throughout life. However, to conform to society's norms, I did have to alter it a bit, primarily because of my shortcomings in analyzing personalities in brief moments of encounter. I tended to take too long and this was, eh, unattractive.

 

Historically, it's been personality largely comprising beauty. IOW, how I felt about the essence of the person colored, largely, how I viewed them physically. I can think of one marked exception and that was decades ago and I was young and dumb and, specific to that one incident, mourning my father's death, and she turned out to be married.

 

So, I'd tend to go with your numbers, perhaps into the 70/30 range in favor of personality, with some deference to what I call 'aura', which perhaps defies a specific definition. It's pretty much been that way since I was a teenager.

[preraph]

What you called "aura," I always called attitude. I like a guy with attitude.

[carhill]

I've yet to come up with a concrete definition for myself, mainly because the phenomena varies, both between individuals and with any one individual. I tend to view it as a confluence of two unique variables interacting at one specific point along a timeline. In the same vein, being more focused on personality, I've noticed the marked experience of revisiting attraction at different times, meaning someone who I didn't initially find attractive can and sometimes does become attractive under different circumstances along any particular timeline. I doubt this would occur with the frequency it does if attraction was more physical focused. In that vein, physicality may serve as a clarifier or simplifier and, IMO, for purposes of mating, that can be a positive event.

 

The guy who meets the girl and immediately believes her to be the most beautiful person in the world and continues to believe that throughout time and regardless of what behavior she throws at him will likely make a more consistent and positive partner for her, all else being equal. His focus, and consistent focus, on the physical, if his personality trends to the committed, can keep him there throughout time.

 

I noticed this most markedly, after a lifetime of hearing male friends talk about ex wives with the language that they'd have sex with them but couldn't live with them, when I found myself viewing my exW as completely unattractive and the thought of having sex with her, even while still married at that point, felt disgusting and wrong. Still, she was the same physically attractive woman who had no problem immediately replacing me with another man. Why? He was more normal. See cute, want to have sex with cute. It works. They're still together so there ya go. Sometimes, probably most times, simple and direct is better. Nothing simpler and more direct than coveting what we see. Good life lesson.

[Mysterio]

Here is how attraction from my world starts from me on my side. I see a woman and I start to visualize her in my mind as someone that I can explore a relationship with. Almost like I think we would look great together.

 

Then I strive to get to know her. The more warmer and less me working it I have to be towards her. The more attracted I become. The more I have to plan everything and be the driving force. The less I find myself being attracted to her.

 

I also know that not one person can be everything to you. When I look at my friends wives or husbands. Not one of them is the ultimate in everything they want in their partner.

 

In my mind. I am more the sweet thoughtful Boy friend. I am personable. Warm and striving to Sharp. So I remember B-days and I don't really need a Facebook Alert for the most part. I listen and try to be engaging. I am more of a person that asks a lot of questions and trys to figure things out.

 

I don't think I have a direct physical type. I am a Black Male and I like all ethnic types. I have been with tall/medium/short girls. At this stage of my life. I feel like I have to be very careful about who I choose. Too many of my male friends have been messed up with by the women they date. They are in situations they did not want to be. They let the Woman lead them into the relationships a bit too much.

[Gloria25]

I believe you have to have "some" level of attraction - you just can't go in on zero attraction and fall in love just on their personality.

 

Now, I've heard of some people who after getting to know the person (their "personality"), they began to actually develop a physical attraction to the person too.

[chumly]

I think the strongest relationships are built on those that really got to know each other and did not get caught up too much on the initial (almost silly) fairy tale like physical attraction/chemistry thing.

 

I think far too much emphasis is put on things like looks and most likely why the divorce rate is so high. Everyone wants to best looking person they can find..and of course once looks fade..as it does for all of us no matter how much we fight it..the people want to then divorce each other. but what about liking someone for who they are??

 

On a physical level I try not to put too much emphasis on any of that stuff. The only physical requirement I guess you can say that I have is that the person not be too fat or out of shape. To me that is something a person for the most part, can control..so I suppose I do get turned off by someone being in bad physical shape and also keep themselves groomed. Other then that..people cant really help the way they look so i try not to judge them too harshly in that way..also because i dont want to be judged in that way either.

 

Interesing question.

[Mysterio]

For the sake of jus t focusing on the physical. Keeping fit and being well groomed. Thats all I care about in that area. If you grey you can grey in your 80's.

 

I think in our society right now. Only Men under 80 can get away with grey. Until the magazines let women go grey. It can be very hard for a woman to let her self go grey and still be seen as attractive. I don't know why that is.

 

My advice for both genders if you can. Stay in fit shape. Straight white teeth. Smooth skin and flattering haircut.

 

Now for personality. In the past I let Looks run me around too much. I would say that now. A woman wanting me romantically has to be very physically affectionate/Playfull towards me/Warm/Kind/Sweet/Sharp/Flexable.

 

Looking at my life and the best situation. I really think I just have to chill and let a woman come more to me. It seems like I have less greif or soap opera when the woman comes towards me for the most part.

 

I seem to have way more problems with me being the driving force when I try to connect with a woman romantically. Its like whats coming for me is better than what I am going after in that situation.

 

Thats why I posted about looks and personality. You really need both. Yet in the end. Its Personality that is going to keep you there on both sides.

 

I see romantic relationships like this. Jack and Jane meet and bring it out in each other. Some people can try to get together, but they can't bring it out in each other. Its like music.

 

Some people are really into Jazz or Reggae. Or een if they are exposed to one type of music. When they hear another it takes them over. Like for me. I was born in 1971. Grew up in the 80's. So I had the MTV/Much Music-Canada version of MTV. Blasted around me for the most part. My Parents listened to Reggae-Mom. Jazz-Dad. Yet I prefer the late 60's to late 70's Rock and Roll/Soul music. Out of Reggae and Jazz. Jazz wins for me.

 

 

Its amazing how certain things click for certain people. All the women I have been exposed to Friendship wise or Romantic. 97% of them are White. I rarely mix with my own race so to speak. Although I find women of all different races attractive. Its not like they are all the same weight or faces are the same or even hair colour.

[Mysterio]

Another thing I wanted to add is that Women get way more feedback from the looks than men do. Its rare a man is complemented on his looks on a regular basis.

 

If you look at the cartoons. The Woman is rarely out of shape. Its The Guys that can get away with looking average at best.

 

I really think looks get you in the door. Personality keep you there and the less baggage you have. The more solid foundation you have to stay together.

[Popsicle]

Looks get my attention in the beginning. Personality is what keeps me there.

[LookAtThisPOst]

So in your mind. Be you attached or not.

 

What do you think matters more. Physical looks to get into a Romantic Relationship. Or Personality? Or what percentage in your mind do you come up with.

 

At this stage of my life at 45. Its Personality first by at least 60 percent. Then 40% looks for me.

 

Unless that woman is really playful and flirtatious with me on a regular basis and making some sort of an effort to get to know me. Just Physical looks does not cut it for me anymore.

 

I am more a face guy than anything. I would rather have a woman with a great looking face that is kind and playful and has an average body. Than a great body, but the face is unkempt in some way.

 

Any woman that had shown interest in me, had all said they were more into personality than looks. I'm rather average looking at best, so with those women that were attracted to me...it was my personality that hooked them...and that's a rarity.

 

That explained why my online responses were scarce. I'd be lucky if I even got once response per month.

 

I could count on one hand the PER year amount of meets/dates I had from women.

[mikeylo]

Good looks can turn ugly looking to the same person if there is no decent personality. What am I going to do with a stunning face and hot barbie body if she is flirting with others with me in her arm, giving googly eyes to all men around , embarrasses me publicly , uses foul language and the list continues.

 

An average modest woman with a pleasing personality--any time of the day.

 

People do age ! The trick is how.

[Imported]

Looks get my attention in the beginning. Personality is what keeps me there.

 

Looks may also....and usually does, affect your interpretation of personality. Unless they're a total jackass or a stick-in-the-mud, you'll probably rationalize reasons to like their personality.

 

Physical looks OP, the kind where "you were just born that way" opens doors. Door after door, day after day. The understanding of that also effects your personality and behavior.....to be more dominant.

[Popsicle]

Looks may also....and usually does, affect your interpretation of personality. Unless they're a total jackass or a stick-in-the-mud, you'll probably rationalize reasons to like their personality.

 

Not true. If that's the case I would have stayed with my last BF. I will admit that it can blind you temporarily.

And anyway he's not the only good looking man on the planet.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Looks may also....and usually does, affect your interpretation of personality. Unless they're a total jackass or a stick-in-the-mud, you'll probably rationalize reasons to like their personality.

 

Physical looks OP, the kind where "you were just born that way" opens doors. Door after door, day after day. The understanding of that also effects your personality and behavior.....to be more dominant.

 

I do concur that people tend to "overlook" someone's flaws depending on how physically attracted they are.

 

It's flirting if he's attractive, if he's not attractive it's sexual harassment.

[alphamale]

I am more a face guy than anything.

 

I'm more a feet/leg guy

[thefooloftheyear]

Not true. If that's the case I would have stayed with my last BF. I will admit that it can blind you temporarily.

And anyway he's not the only good looking man on the planet.

 

IME, Its different for men vs. women..

 

You can take a woman that's very attractive, and most guys will tolerate a mountain of personality negatives....."The end justifies the means..."

 

Women, OTOH, need it all...A guy can have all the intangibles looks wise, and he'll get attention, dates, etc, but they wont generally last if that's all he can bring to the table...

 

I've also seen instances where some women don't like to be with very attractive or physically impressive men, because they really can't deal with the competition from other women...When a woman sees another woman with an attractive man, rather than give her a thumbs up, as many guys do, they cut the woman down and wonder what he possibly sees in her and how she would be better for him, blah, blah..

 

So its easier for them to go with a guy that isn't attracting attention from every woman every time they are out..The insecurity and back stabbing becomes too much to deal with...

 

Men generally won't care too much about competition in the same way..They are just happy to have a hot woman with them...and they'll enjoy it while it lasts...

 

TFY

Edited December 30, 2016 by thefooloftheyear

[GravityMan]

Superficial features and traits matter more as far as initially getting your foot in the door. "Superficial" includes looks, but it also includes overt aspects of your personality and how you carry yourself. I'd also add that it may include a subtle thing or two about you that others tend to easily detect. In general I'm referring to things that people will notice immediately or quickly. If at least some of these surface-level things spark interest and attraction, then your foot is in the door. It may even be enough to result in several dates with the other person.

 

But those things probably won't be enough to successfully take things to the next level...i.e. a relationship. Even in the few cases where they are enough...it's unlikely that the relationship will last long. One or both people will soon become bored, restless, frustrated or unhappy in some other way. I think she or he needs to know you and like you for who you are on the inside in order for there to be a healthy relationship that lasts.

[RecentChange]

For me, without a great personality, considerable intelligence, and a good sense of humor, looks mean nothing.

 

Sure, I can oggle a guy, but if he opens his mouth and proves himself a fool, my attraction is killed. I have a feeling many men do not feel the same way.

 

As for looks, there has to be a base line for me to be attracted. I can't do obese. Nor poor grooming.

 

He doesn't have to have a perfect face, or a perfect build. But I do like guys that are at least reasonably athletic. I am not at all physically attracted to men who are smaller than I am - which isn't so much about height but bulk.

 

So even if he is a charmer, if he is extremely overweight or tiny, he is going to get friend zoned.

 

Hot but stupid? Not much good for anything beyond a ONS.

[JuneJulySeptember]

In terms of personality, what is a good personality? Do you want somebody like yourself, or do you want somebody who is like Mr/Mrs Popular, Class President, Class Clown, Most Likely to Succeed, etc?

 

Because if you wanted somebody like yourself, most people are indeed pretty unique. So, if you found a match that person SHOULD think you are just as much of a match. Follow?

 

I actually do think that's one of the failings of romance. People screen on looks first, when in reality, it's much harder to find a match for personality. So, if you eliminate 9 out of 10 people because of their looks, you're almost surely eliminating your closest matches.

 

I will be the first to admit that the women I have dated are probably nowhere near the perfect match. But I play the game the way it is set up and do my best with what I got in the time I'm here...

[Space Ritual]

I am in my fifties now, but as I have stated before i usually date women 20 years or more my Junior. And it is because i am blessed to still have a full head of hair, all my teeth and in relatively good physical condition for my age.

 

I am also pretty forward with people at the outset and not afraid of rejection at my age. When you have more days behind you than ahead of you you accept that life is far too short to worry about these things.

 

That being said although the duration of my relationships nowdays are usually short, I admit fully I am far more shallow than I used to be. If I was looking for a long term relationship I would look more for personality especially high intellect because i enjoy deep conversation.

 

But deep stimulating conversation about solving the world's problems rarely leads to sex, so currently I look for "Body by Rolls Royce, Brains by Mattel".

 

sounds piggish I know, and it is, but again, I am not looking for long term. Usually neither are the women I date, just a bit of fun and move on when the time comes. So I accept it, and am quite happy being realistic that the wheels could come off on my looks and health at anytime, so I'm still riding it for all it's worth.

[Space Ritual]

IME, Its different for men vs. women..

 

You can take a woman that's very attractive, and most guys will tolerate a mountain of personality negatives....."The end justifies the means..."

 

Women, OTOH, need it all...A guy can have all the intangibles looks wise, and he'll get attention, dates, etc, but they wont generally last if that's all he can bring to the table...

 

I still think the old saying applies.

 

"Girls want a lot of things from one guy.

 

Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls"...lol

[Mysterio]

What is average looking. What is sexxy/Hot Beautiful. Its all in the eye of the beholder.

 

All my women friends are attractive in one way or another. I don't see myself as average. I would say if I had to give my looks a grade. Cute/Expressive/Babyfaced. I look like a good guy. I wish was in a little better shape which I am working on. Other than that. I don't see myself as average.

 

Average to me means. You have crooked teeth/acne that you don't care of. haircut out of date. Balding but when you shave it off you look sharper.

 

As I have said before. This is the way it is now a days. From age 16 to 96. Single/Dating/Coupled/Widowed/Divorced/Separated. Those are the status we will have. Some longer than others.

 

Looks and Personality factor in it all. Truth be told. We are ll just trying to organize our lives. We all want to be loved/Sex/Companionship. Its just that for 60 % of its hard for some reason. Thats why this year I am turning to a lot of prayer and universe help. If I meet a woman and she tics off all my desires for a romantic relationship when it comes to Personality and Looks. Then I may pursue.

 

Just some Random thoughts.

 

I think the thing for me is that I am a Black men surounded by White women for the most part. All my exs are white. Same with my female friends. The ethnic thing may be a buffer from getting into a relationship. Just because of the visual ethnic thing. Looks wise. I see my self at the least as cute/babyfaced. Smile in my pics. I am very methodical and introspective in my dealings with people, striving to refine it as well. So I am not Mr. Giddy, but not Mr. Serrious as well. I am in between. Since I am wanting something of substance. Its harder for me to just go out there and just flirt and ask every woman out there on a date. So thats why I go long intervals without a date.

 

Looking at my patterns. I feel like its going to happen when I stop pushing it to happen and I am in more of a relaxed state. Still. Looks/Personality are basically attached at the hip. You need both.