God, I can't believe what a fool I've made of myself.
If I only had been patient. Instead I just kept digging a deeper hole.
Now I've lost the one thing I ever wanted.
Gawwwwd....
I am drowning in sea of words. I am an emotional exhibitionist, it's ridiculous. I need to stop now.
I always want to fix everything. I can't let anything go. I am out of control.
Somebody please kill me now.
I just wrote a blog about this and lost it all...
http://arklatexhomepage.com/content/fulltext/?cid=23401
http://arklatexhomepage.com/media_player.php?media_id=25751
It's casual day at my work. Not that I usually get dressed up to come in since most of the time I am alone in my office, but I do try to look at least presentable if a doctor comes in or something. Today i wore a decent t-shirt, jeans, and a pair of sneakers.
This is the day my medical director decides to come in and clean out her office. She is switching to another position. She brought in her 15 year old daughter and they went about their task while I wandered around doing my morning work.
To the MW ---- I am the OW, I am the one that you put blame on.... I am the one that you hate.... I am the one that "ruined your family".... I am the one that your H ran too when he felt "empty inside".... I am the one that let your H be who he wanted to be (not the garbage man, the wage earner, the lawn mower, the door mat).... I am the one that LOVES him too
To the MM ---- I am the one you find yourself desiring...... I am the one you find yourself confiding in..... I am the one you share y
I hate my job. I can't force myself to even go to it anymore. I don't remember feeling this way until they removed all of the benefits from the job. It still burns me up that they said, "Oh, just get on your husband's or someone else's insurance." Thanks- if I had that option, I wouldn't be paying $200 a month plus for your's.
I've been close to having another job. In fact, I was offered and accepted one- two even if you count working for my friend Samantha. Sam's always worried about not pul
I'm in such a foul mood right now. I hate the job I'm working at and I work alone in a huge office. There is no one to bitch to or with. The closest person on my level at the company works over 500 miles away.
I just want to be home spending time with my wife and living off my investments. Unfortunately, I'm not quite 30 yet and don't have enuf saved up to retire now.
I came here because they said this job was next to impossible and I like a challenge. Unfortunately, it may be next to im
Haha! made it!
I am so momentarily excited that now the things I wanted to journal about seems small.
As small as my city that is.
You know, the city where it is finally sunny and warm after a dreadful winter and so suddenly everyone is out on the street walking, having coffees on patios, and I just want to join the fun.
A part of me is thinking, I should just stay in until he leaves in 2 days, but then the other part of me says: screw this, this is my city! and then I dress up to th
Well, it's been 4 months since John went home. Where I really am is not very far from where I started, and I feel that in itself is a horrible sign.
Here are the high points of the last 2 months:
1. John and Charlotte are still dating.
2. John tells me he loves her.
3. John finds out that he will be back in my city for work about 1 month from now, and that Charlotte completely trusts him and has no problem with it as long as he doesn't stay with Bob and I (which of course would
well, the doctor said the old man has at most, two months to live, but she'd be happy to see him make it to Easter.
complete renal failure (diabetes) and black lung disease (Agent Orange). How much crappier could it get?
surprisingly enough, he's taking it all into stride, and I have to admire him for that. It's as if he knows he's got certain things to take care of, to whip into shape, then he's free to go after the next big adventure. Of course, he's been ready since my mother died, so d
This has been one hell of a week as far as my progress has gone. Really, it's just taken a major beating. Let's recall:
1. Monday night I have a freaky dream about John and Charlotte, that puts me back quite a ways.
2. Tuesday I'm feeling off all day and then stupidly decide to tell John about my dream. John proceeds to tell me he doesn't think he's in love with Charlotte and that if his recent feelings of blankness don't subside, he's going to end it.
3. Wednesday I don't talk to
Is that what I am? Is it a constant need for validation? I mean, obviously something is wrong with me. Maybe I'm just bored.
I told John about my dream. He was working late last night which he doesn't normally do now that he's dating his new gf. Anyway, I told him I would let him work as I know he really likes to work and hasn't got the chance to lately. He said he wanted to chat, so we did.
He told me he has been depressed the last two days because he thought he was falling in l
Last night I had a dream about John and his new gf. I don't remember all the details but I know I was talking to the new gf and being honest about my feelings for John and at the same time telling her I had no intentions of interfering in their relationship. In my dream it went really well and it looked like the two of us would become friends. In fact, I think we hugged at some point. Then I asked her if she minded if I talked to John alone for a minute. She said, "Yes. In fact I do mind."
Right now I am simply enjoying my family. I feel like I am myself. Something I haven't felt for more than a year. I hope to talk to my favorite 5 again, that is if they still want to. They have been good to me and offered much help, some I could not take at the time, but now I can get something out of it.
I started to gain weight back in October, but got myself turned around quite well. I really started investing time in my body as well as mind, and I am doing really really well. (Finally, i ca
You know, I don't think marriage is for everyone. Growing up I thought I did. But now I realize I think it's an outdated concept from history that needs to be shelved or at least not so encouraged.
Think about it: Even from Biblical writings, there is much talk of marriage when you are young, and brothers marrying sister in laws with the husbands died, etc. People died quicker back then. Much quicker. And I'm pretty sure its to protect assets, land and belongings and build wealth.
You
Of course, a common question that many ask is 'Why don't you just get divorced if you are so unhappy in your marriage?'
First of all, every marriage is different as well as every divorce is different. I'm not going to discuss what a happy marriage should be. If everyone here had happy marriages/relationships, they probably would not be on LS in the first place.
'You are so unhappy! Don't stay married for the kids because it isn't fair and you are living a lie and they will feel more
It sucked. Both Hubby and I have been sick, so I guess that's the main excuse. But I'm still frustrated. I've been stuck at home and so yesterday I didn't have a chance to get anything for my husband. I was worried because I had made it very very clear that I needed more romance in our relationship so I figured Bob would have something for me and I wanted to make sure to return the favor.
So, I cleaned the house which was really bad and a chore we usually share. I also picked the trash o
That is correct. Just the beginning of this month, I realized I am totally over my EA. I know, many others on LS wish they could get over their EA's they know that are no good for them.
I don't know exactly how I did it, or what happened, but I have some guesses.
First, I know what you may be thinking: My EA wasn't really that strong. Well, I have to disagree. It was. Anyone that I discussed it with knows so. My EA would always be in my mind. I'd get those internal rushes, etc. Believe me
DARK TIME:
Yes, at this point I felt pretty abandoned. I lost my RL EA (Chinese friend), I was barely chatting with my LS friends (my workplace restricted access), and that one LS'r was becoming a pest. Not much I could do since they were friends with a mod and apparently I had a friendship with someone that bothered them for some reason.
Again, it was getting tiresome, exhausting, and it was going to cause others a headache if I hung around. I'm the type that gives people enough rope to ha
THE LS EXPERIENCE
During such talks among my few LS friends, I was learning to become more open w/ith myself. More honest if you will. One very good LS'r demanded it pretty much. Or at least since they adopted that behavior, I adopted that frame of mind of being honest with oneself and what is going on.
And, to my surprise, I embraced it.
It can be quite addicting. In fact, that honest state of mind carried over when I communicated with the Chinese woman for the month of July.
