Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.
Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.
By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.
The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. Some short term counselling if that appeals to you.
'G
A lot of what we do is unknowingly done to keep the brain happy.
The brain is only at its best within quite narrow tolerances.
Too hot? Brain not happy...
Too cold? Brain not happy...
Dehydrated? Brain not happy...
Drunk? Brain not happy...
Not enough sleep? Brain not happy...
Not eaten enough? Brain not happy...
Psychoactive drugs? Brain not happy...
High stress load? Brain not happy...
Etc...
This has been an informational message brought to you by your b
Re 'Casual sex.'
You can strike a casual pose whilst leaning on a wall, or put your feet up on the desk, but you can't have 'casual sex,' because no such thing exists.
I don't think its possible to love someone who doesn't love you back.
Real love is a joint creation.
It is possible to be infatuated, with someone who doesn't share the feeling, though.
The purpose of life is to learn to love unconditionally, and without reservation. In doing this, we achieve peace and happiness, and a return to our true nature. Every encounter we have is an opportunity to extend love.
Please do not beg and plead for her to take you back.
Please do not sit next to her crying uncontrollably.
Please do not bombard her with texts and calls.
Maintain your dignity at all times.
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You have to set them free:
"I release you to live your life the way you want to. You're free. I'm not holding you."
You don't say that out loud.
You say it on the inside.
You have to mean it.
Getting to that point takes time.
Nobody deserves to be abused.
Look at this list and decide for yourself if you are being abused.
1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.
2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.
4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
5. They try to control you and treat you li
There is nothing you can do to make her come back if she doesn't of her own free will, want to.
Not long letters of apology.
Not tears.
Not begging and pleading.
Not buying roses.
Not 'fighting for the relationship.'
Not writing poems.
Etc...
Leave her totally alone.
It is possible that she'll miss you and will want you back.
It is also possible that she won't.
Do nothing.
No contact.
No matter what the circumstances, no matter what they've done, these unfaithful married men always play the victim.
"I'm so tired, I'm so stressed, my wife treats me badly, I don't feel well, I'm under so much pressure at work, you shouldn't treat me this way."
And yet its always somebody else who gets to feel the pain.
After a certain point, grief can become a habit.
That's the point where it becomes in itself, dysfunctional.
Grieving is an essential part of healing, but if it goes on too long it becomes another sickness, possibly worse than the first.
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.”
― Omar Khayyám
1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.
2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.
3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.
4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.
5. Tell y
In some instances you are loving and caring, whilst in others you are unloving and uncaring.
You love and care for your child, but you don't love or care for the person you cheat on.
You say you want to know why you cheat?
The answer to that lies in the part of yourself which you cannot accept, which you have covered with unconsciousness.
It's classically Neurotic.
If you had a unified psyche, you wouldn't flip-flop between loving and unloving, caring and uncaring.
You need to
If you feel bad and look at the past, the past looks bad.
If you feel good and look at the past, the past looks ok.
If you feel bad and imagine the future, the future looks bad.
If you feel good and imagine the future, the future looks ok.
Life is about how you feel now.
The greater part of any affair is fantasy and make-believe:
"He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older."
This is life on the edge of reality, in a little bubble of imaginings.
Love or dysfunctional attachment?
There are many things that people call 'love,' which aren't love at all.
Here's a little test:
"Love is total commitment to a person's wellbeing."
If you can both meet that standard, its love.
If you can't, it isn't.
A lot of what we have inside us - what we feel, what resonates for us, doesn't seem to make sense when forced into these little packages called words and dropped into the consensus reality. That doesn't mean that they are untrue or nonsensical. It just means that they can't survive the descent into language undiminished.
When someone tells you that they don't love you anymore, it usually means that they never did.
Real love is very durable and resilient, very difficult to destroy.
Many people don't know the difference between:
Being attached
Needing
Wanting
Love
Those are not different names for the same thing, but many people think they are.
A word of very well intentioned advice:
*Treat harsh speech as if it is the most deadly of all poisons. Do not speak harshly to anyone. Ever. It is poisonous to the soul and the heart, and those words can never be unsaid.
There is always a better, kinder, option.
Be respectful even when you're angry.
We are self-healing organisms.
Just as we have inherent capacities to heal a cut or a burn, we have the ability to self-heal emotional wounds.
Nature has planted this within us.
