Please do not beg and plead for her to take you back.
Please do not sit next to her crying uncontrollably.
Please do not bombard her with texts and calls.
Maintain your dignity at all times.
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You have to set them free:
"I release you to live your life the way you want to. You're free. I'm not holding you."
You don't say that out loud.
You say it on the inside.
You have to mean it.
Getting to that point takes time.
When someone tells you that they don't love you anymore, it usually means that they never did.
Real love is very durable and resilient, very difficult to destroy.
Many people don't know the difference between:
Being attached
Needing
Wanting
Love
Those are not different names for the same thing, but many people think they are.
You can't make anyone think, feel, or do anything.
People do what they do because of who they are.
What happens between two people is what their nature and character dictates, and allows.
Once you really get that, its very liberating.
This my hierarchy of preferred communication methods from best to worst:
1. Skype.
2. Voice call.
3. Old fashioned letter.
4. Email.
5. Morse telegraphy.
6. Smoke signals.
7. Carrier pigeon.
8. Ouija board.
9. Sitting alone in the silent void of nothingness.
10. Text message.
Nobody deserves to be abused.
Look at this list and decide for yourself if you are being abused.
1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.
2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.
4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
5. They try to control you and treat you li
There is nothing you can do to make her come back if she doesn't of her own free will, want to.
Not long letters of apology.
Not tears.
Not begging and pleading.
Not buying roses.
Not 'fighting for the relationship.'
Not writing poems.
Etc...
Leave her totally alone.
It is possible that she'll miss you and will want you back.
It is also possible that she won't.
Do nothing.
No contact.
“And so we use them (people) for a kind of pleasure which can be called "fun." But it is not the creative kind of fun often connected with play; it is, rather, a shallow, distracting, greedy way of "having fun." And it is not by chance that it is that type of fun which can easily be commercialized, for it is dependent on calculable reactions, without passion, without risk, without love. Of all the dangers that threaten our civilization, this is one of the most dangerous ones: the escape from one
A word of very well intentioned advice:
*Treat harsh speech as if it is the most deadly of all poisons. Do not speak harshly to anyone. Ever. It is poisonous to the soul and the heart, and those words can never be unsaid.
There is always a better, kinder, option.
Be respectful even when you're angry.
Love or dysfunctional attachment?
There are many things that people call 'love,' which aren't love at all.
Here's a little test:
"Love is total commitment to a person's wellbeing."
If you can both meet that standard, its love.
If you can't, it isn't.
Poetry has always played a great part in my life, so I've decided to post more poetry. Here is a current favourite:
I carry you in my heart.
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has
Here are the stages of grief; I'll leave it to you to decide which stage you're in:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
It's not a simple linear process; you can move in and out of the various stages, or up and down the ladder.
When you arrive at acceptance, you've finished your grieving.
The greater part of any affair is fantasy and make-believe:
"He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older."
This is life on the edge of reality, in a little bubble of imaginings.
We are self-healing organisms.
Just as we have inherent capacities to heal a cut or a burn, we have the ability to self-heal emotional wounds.
Nature has planted this within us.
If you feel bad and look at the past, the past looks bad.
If you feel good and look at the past, the past looks ok.
If you feel bad and imagine the future, the future looks bad.
If you feel good and imagine the future, the future looks ok.
Life is about how you feel now.
I absolutely don't believe that "Time heals all wounds."
I don't think that time heals anything.
But I do believe that time spent on healing, heals most wounds.
Learn to enjoy the ordinary.
Ordinary is good.
The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real. A big part of an affair is make believe, fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else.
Welcome back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be.
Decompress.
For some reason, when you were with her/him, you chose to have her/him as the exact centre of your universe.
You were in orbit around her/him.
Then he/she was gone, and you had nothing to orbit.
Now you have to place the centre of your universe inside yourself.
Once you have done that, the empty place inside you will no longer be empty, and you will begin to enjoy life again.
Instead of arguing, schedule half an hour a week, to discuss matters of concern, before they become 'big issues.'
For ten minutes he/she speaks without any interruptions.
Then you get your ten minutes of uninterrupted talk time.
The last ten minutes is two way chat.
You alternate who speaks first every week.
The first time, you toss a coin.
Its much better than arguing, and can actually be very enjoyable
1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.
2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.
3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.
4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.
5. Tell y
