Here are the stages of grief; I'll leave it to you to decide which stage you're in:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
It's not a simple linear process; you can move in and out of the various stages, or up and down the ladder.
When you arrive at acceptance, you've finished your grieving.
There is nothing you can do to make her come back if she doesn't of her own free will, want to.
Not long letters of apology.
Not tears.
Not begging and pleading.
Not buying roses.
Not 'fighting for the relationship.'
Not writing poems.
Etc...
Leave her totally alone.
It is possible that she'll miss you and will want you back.
It is also possible that she won't.
Do nothing.
No contact.
I understand what you're saying, but in my world you experience the deepest possible connection when you extend yourself to another, to the greatest degree possible for you.
Total extension of the Self.
Nothing held back.
Nothing conditional.
Nothing reserved for 'maybe later.'
I don't think that the real problem is the difficulty of finding someone like her again.
I think that the real problem is that you've self-protectively closed your heart to some extent, as a result o
We are self-healing organisms.
Just as we have inherent capacities to heal a cut or a burn, we have the ability to self-heal emotional wounds.
Nature has planted this within us.
The sadness stops when you stop 'sadding.'
Thoughts and feelings are behaviours, not something you can't change, like the weather.
When you finally decide that you've been through enough, you'll stop.
Take care.
PS: You've been through enough.
No relationship is older than one day.
They need to be refreshed every day with a new investment of love, commitment, and passion.
If they aren't, they either die, or become stunted from a lack of feeding.
Sometimes people just forget to invest.
All that any of us can do is to keep pouring the best of ourselves into our relationships, day after day.
At first that sounds like a tall order, but it isn't really, because all we have to deal with is one day.
People grieve for what they had and lost, but they also grieve for what they needed and wanted, but didn't get.
Its often both.
Grief is a noble thing, but it should not become permanent, or a settled state of being.
Do your grieving and move on.
A word of very well intentioned advice:
*Treat harsh speech as if it is the most deadly of all poisons. Do not speak harshly to anyone. Ever. It is poisonous to the soul and the heart, and those words can never be unsaid.
There is always a better, kinder, option.
Be respectful even when you're angry.
A lot of what we do is unknowingly done to keep the brain happy.
The brain is only at its best within quite narrow tolerances.
Too hot? Brain not happy...
Too cold? Brain not happy...
Dehydrated? Brain not happy...
Drunk? Brain not happy...
Not enough sleep? Brain not happy...
Not eaten enough? Brain not happy...
Psychoactive drugs? Brain not happy...
High stress load? Brain not happy...
Etc...
This has been an informational message brought to you by your b
When someone tells you that they don't love you anymore, it usually means that they never did.
Real love is very durable and resilient, very difficult to destroy.
Many people don't know the difference between:
Being attached
Needing
Wanting
Love
Those are not different names for the same thing, but many people think they are.
Love:
"First do no harm."
Those are the words of a surgeon, but they apply to relationships as well.
To profess love, whilst causing harm, demonstrates that the person speaking has no idea what love is.
One of many valid definitions of love is:
"A persons total commitment to the wellbeing of another."
Thats the bottom line benchmark for me.
Thats where real love begins.
Spend some time contemplating the differences between loving, wanting, and needing.
Its important to understand those differences.
Those three things are related, but they're not different words for the same thing.
Really reflect on that.
It will help you to understand yourself (and others) better.
A lot of what we have inside us - what we feel, what resonates for us, doesn't seem to make sense when forced into these little packages called words and dropped into the consensus reality. That doesn't mean that they are untrue or nonsensical. It just means that they can't survive the descent into language undiminished.
There's an awful lot to be said for stoic acceptance:
"This is not what I want. It is the opposite of what I want, but I will accept it, and endure the pain which comes with it."
Easier said than done, but the act of desperately trying to evade the pain only brings more pain.
Love or dysfunctional attachment?
There are many things that people call 'love,' which aren't love at all.
Here's a little test:
"Love is total commitment to a person's wellbeing."
If you can both meet that standard, its love.
If you can't, it isn't.
Generally speaking, when someone is obsessing about their ex, that preoccupation causes the person to neglect themselves.
Are you eating healthily?
Are you drinking enough water?
Are you exercising?
Are you spending time with other people, family and friends?
Are you getting out of the house enough?
Are you avoiding drugs and alcohol?
Are you doing fun stuff, just for enjoyment?
Are you keeping up with your responsibilities?
Those are the things you need to do befo
It can get easier, and it will get easier,
IF
You summon up all your willpower and self-discipline, to do NC perfectly.
If you don't, it won't get easier, and this suffering will become a daily fact of life for you.
NC has to be 100% watertight to work.
A clip from my journal:
"No contact is about two things, and two things only:
1. It protects you from further hurt.
2. It allows you to heal without being distracted by the ex.
Thats all it is, and all it does."
Being 'In Love' is a time-limited neurochemical event.
Love on the other hand, is not time-limited, and can grow and grow over a whole lifetime.
Some relationships can progress from being 'in love' to love, but some can't.
It depends on what remains after the euphoria has worn off.
If you feel OK:
You look at the past, and the past looks OK.
If you feel bad:
You look at the past, and the past looks bad.
If you feel OK:
You imagine the future, and the future looks OK.
If you feel bad:
You imagine the future, and the future looks bad.
What that means, is that you have to find ways of making yourself feel OK in the present, so that you can have a past and future that look OK to you!
One way of looking at things, is to look at life as consisting
No contact is about two things, and two things only:
1. It protects you from further hurt.
2. It allows you to heal without being distracted by the ex.
Thats all it is, and all it does.
If you feel bad and look at the past, the past looks bad.
If you feel good and look at the past, the past looks ok.
If you feel bad and imagine the future, the future looks bad.
If you feel good and imagine the future, the future looks ok.
Life is about how you feel now.
Nobody deserves to be abused.
Look at this list and decide for yourself if you are being abused.
1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.
2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.
4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
5. They try to control you and treat you li
No time to meditate?
Do this instead, twice a day:
1. Sit down, close your eyes, and let your awareness scan over you body, just noticing the sensations/how you feel.
2. Just sit with the feeling for one minute.
3.Tell yourself it's ok to feel that way. Feel love for yourself feeling those feelings.
Slowly open your eyes.
This takes 2-3 minutes, and will help you to feel more centred and grounded.
