My Story...
Entry posted by Micke81 ·
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Well, here it is. I've told portions before, but I don't really have questions anymore; besides most of the people who responded seem to think that my husband and I are morally corrupt. I still have a need to tell the story though. I don't have friends that I can tell, so this will be my outlet.
It starts in June 2007...I went overseas for 5 weeks for work. While I was there I met a man who I found extremely attractive, both physically and mentally. Because my husband and I have/had such great communication skills, there was no problem telling him about this guy. After much talking, I decide to have a summer fling with this other guy with my husbands full knowledge and consent. It was amazing.
After the 5 weeks was up, we parted ways. By this time I had told him that I loved him. I also told him I loved my husband. I was confused but confident in my marriage. I met up with my husband in yet another country for a weeks vacation. It was weird. The sex wasn't very good, but I was willing. Afterall, he's my husband. I just couldn't stop thinking about this other guy. For simplicity, lets call my husband Bob and this other guy John. Definitely not real names. That was in August 2007.
John and I kept in touch via online chatting over the next few months. He started dating someone and then broke up with them. Then he made plans to come to the US for 3 weeks. He came right before Thanksgiving. He and I spent a week together (again with my husbands knowledge and consent) in another city. This time there weren't people around who knew us, so we really got to act like a couple. It was so amazing and passionate. Then one week later he came to my town, and now you will all gasp with horror, he stayed in my house with my husband and I. He came for business. He and I went to work together everyday, pretending that we were just friends. It was terrible for him, he barely slept at all as he would lie awake and listen to any movement that came from the bedroom with me and my husband. He was in tears on almost a daily basis. But it was too late to get him a hotel room as all our colleges knew he was staying at my home, and would find it very very strange that he suddenly went to a hotel. John and I did have sex during this week, but Bob and I did not. I did give Bob one bj, but that was all. Then I took John to the airport, and now is when I start to think I'm going insane.
Passion is something my husband and I don't have. I feel like I've married my best friend.
Before John, the sex was okay at best. Now, I recoil at his touch. Since Thanksgiving, I've only had intercourse with Bob 5 times. This is significantly less than what I had with John during our Thanksgiving vacation.
Now I'm torn...so torn. I've told my husband my feelings. I do love my husband...but I'm not so sure that it is romantic love. Not anymore. Bob is an amazing man, and I will defend that to the end. He's kind, compassionate, loyal, funny, and patient. He trusted our connection to be stronger than this...he still does. Clearly we were stupid to allow John into this marriage...but that is already done. I feel like I'm dying inside. I recoil at Bob's touch.
One minute I think that I can't stand it anymore and am looking up plane tickets...the next I think that it will eventually be fine, I've just got to stick it out.
I've done lots of the research on what it would take to join John, and it would be extremely difficult. Because of the nature of our careers, I'd basically be shooting mine in the foot. Not to mention my family and Bob's family's reactions. And of course, hurting and losing Bob.
John and I originally decided on no contact, but that lasted only 24 hrs. He was so upset at the airport I had to know how he was doing. I've set it up so that I only respond to him, but he still send me messages on a slightly regular basis.
I know we should stop that, but I don't have the will power. Bob won't even insist on it. I think it would be easier if Bob would show some backbone...it's strange but I don't know how he can be handling this so well. I asked him what he would do if I did actually leave. His answer was, "I'd be lonely. Probably mope around the house." His answer makes me think of how little passion there is between us. We are best friends, of that there is no doubt, but he'd be lonely...that's it? Guess I was hoping the thought of losing me would bring out some sort of passion, even if it was anger...something. I feel so numb.
I know this is long, but it is helpful for me to get this off my chest.
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