Well, I'm feeling a bit better today. Each day it gets a bit easier, as can be expected. I still don't have any romantic or sexual feelings for my husband, but I'm finally at the point where I want to. I guess that is the first step.

I called John on his New Years, and it was a very nice conversation, but somehow it really seemed like a final conversation. I don't really know what I mean, we didn't talk about not speaking or it being final, but the time just seemed right for moving on, for both of us...I think.

I've realized that I felt needed by John. He is an amazing and successful man. When he's working and presenting he seems like he's got everything under control and that he is confident and sure of himself. On the other hand, when we were together I saw an extreme amount of self-doubt. And I was able to build him up. All I really did was tell him the truth about himself, but it was so rewarding to see his smile and watch him come to believe it about himself. He told me that in the 6 months we've known each other I really changed his life, and I believe him.

On the other hand, I know that Bob loves me, but I don't feel "needed" in the same way. He grew up in the modern day Leave it to Beaver family and is naturally confident and self-assured, and has the support of his family. He isn't cocky, just extremely well-adjusted. It's really really weird, that is what drew me too him of course, and it's a wonderful quality that we should all be looking for, it's very frustrating to get exactly what you want and then not be happy.

I believe that I'm just a self-destructive loony woman. I've got the perfect husband, I really really do, and I go and mess it up. Why can't I be happy? He's attractive, kind, loyal, funny, dependable, smart...why can't I be happy?? Grrr...at least I want to be...think positive.