I sent them a note about this ( you can read about the problem in my previous post ). I want to be able to say this stuff face to face, but I felt too nervous to do so. A note is better than nothing, I figure. Here's the note:

Guys

I like you both. We've had some great times, but there are tensions and things that have bugged me.

I did not like being part of a threesome. I find being part of a gang of three with a couple - in this case, you guys - quite harmful to my happiness. It's superficially stable, but under the surface, it feels like I am putting my wishes to one side in favour of someone else's, and that isn't healthy.

J, my spider senses tell me that you're not particularly comfortable with the triangle idea either. I think all the snide remarks, passive and actively aggressive comments you made just before and after you return from your year off are manifestations on that discomfort.

I found that particularly hurtful. I won't be abused like that any more. If you have a problem with people you care about, talk to them about it. At least to T, your partner. And T, listen, as well as I know you can.

Like I said to start with, I like you guys, but I don't want in each other's pockets with you, and I won't put up with verbal, emotional, physical or any other form of abuse. Life is too short for all that sh*t.