Today I've had a bit of an epiphany or, rather, I've connected some of the the dots.

Briefly, I have had sex with women and had emotional bonds with women, but never the two together. It was maddening for all involved. On one or two occasions I had sex with a woman early on (first encounter) and found later we were on a similar wavelength and became emotionally close, and this drove me crazy.

In one instance it was the other way around. A good friend who, from time to time, we'd get interested in each other in a sexy way...

One time, when we were hanging out all the time, both "single" and she had her head on my shoulder, she said, "people keep asking me if you're my boyfriend" (which, in retrospect, was one of several great big hints she made). But the significant thing (for the purposes of this epiphany) is my reply - "Ha! That would be incestuous."

Now, we were all liberal minded and on the rave scene. It was all love. And yet, I had this disconnect, this invisible force field that I put between me and women I connected with. This idea that two unrelated people who get each other getting it on is incestuous.

Rewind a decade or so before that. My parents were having a lot of problems. My mother had no friends in the new town we'd been moved to, and turned to me as a friend. Cue, I developed a close friendship with my own mother, and by chance as much as anything, I ended up at the same time going to an all boys grammar school. So no female contact except the weirdos next door (and they were to be avoided), and a deep emotional connection with my mother - someone it would be incestuous to have sex with.

So, anyway, the template seems to have been set there, in my childhood. Good. I have something to consider in my session tomorrow.