I deleted John from my instant messaging contacts today. And by today I mean just now. In the system that we use, he won't see that I've deleted him and hence still has the option of IMing me. And of course I will answer if he does, but it's time I stopped constantly checking to see if he is online and fighting the temptation to talk to him. My max is 2 hrs of knowing he is online and not IMing him. Even now I want to open the messenger and see if he is there (I know he is because he was there when I deleted him), but it won't tell me anymore. This gives me both anxiety and freedom.

This causes me to want to ramble a bit about something entirely different and since this is a journal and not a thread, I will. My desire to know exactly what he is doing and who with is driving me mad. It's not good for me to know. It is the same type of feeling that causes people that have been cheated on to know every detail of the sorted affair. If it's so obviously not healthy or helpful for me, I don't think it's healthy or helpful to the betrayed spouse either, but that is just my opinion.

I started back on some anti-depressants that helped me earlier. I know that my birth control pills caused my depression earlier, and the anti-depressants really helped. Now, they aren't helping as much as they did last time, but maybe also because I started when I was already starting to feel better. On the other hand, I did finally realize that it was hurting me to see if he was in his office every 5 minutes, so I suppose that is something I might not have done otherwise. I want to continue to feel better and dodn't want to relapse. Unfortunately the sexual side effects are back, and I can't orgasm again. It's ok since hubby and I aren't very active right now. And I only plan to take the pills for a maximum of two weeks. Just to get me over the final hump of saying goodbye to John.