[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]THE LS EXPERIENCE[/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]During such talks among my few LS friends, I was learning to become more open with myself. More honest if you will. One very good LS'r demanded it pretty much. Or at least since they adopted that behavior, I adopted that frame of mind of being honest with oneself and what is going on. [/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]And, to my surprise, I embraced it. [/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]It can be quite addicting. In fact, that honest state of mind carried over when I communicated with the Chinese woman for the month of July. [/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]She was VERY happy I was that way with her. [/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]But then, shortly after, the communication stopped. I tried contacting her twice. And heard nothing. I have to admit I missed her at the time. [/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]But I am not the type to push it though. And just to make it totally clear: nothing ever happened between us. Nothing. In fact, I think straight men do more touching then we did. I think handshakes and hug greetings sum it up. [/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]But maybe something happened on her side? She did have a male work friend that she would go on walks with during lunch. Perhaps that had something to do with it. [/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]But my RL EA was gone. Just done. With no nothing. No reason. Just disappeared off the radar. Man, I had enemies that at least told me to F off before disappearing. I don't hate her. Don't blame her. [/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]Anyway, it all worked out for the best...[/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]During this time a few things were going on emotionally where I needed to express myself. I don't have many talents. Very few actually. However, I rekindled an old hobby.[/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman](I believe one cannot create something artistically worthwhile unless true passion is behind it) It was nice to feel that again. I was actually able to turn the end products of the passion into something profitable. And that is something I won't forget. More on this later.[/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]Currently, I just started speaking with some of my Fav 5 again (after over 3 months of no communication with any of them). [/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]I decided to bail when one outsider was getting 'threatening' and hostile in private towards to me regarding one of my friends. I can take care of myself, believe me. All of the Fav 5 knows that. But when others are involved, especially when someone you are close to, it is sometimes better to back away and let things diffuse until they become clear. I am confident time will tell on this one. Regardless, my conclusion was the same: step back. Let thing settle. Life will go on without me just fine when if I get out of the way.[/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]So at this time, I was in the process of working things out for the better, and I could not afford the interference.[/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]In other words, I have to apply my energy into myself with what I am discovering and not get detracted. Bailing out of LS led me to another site. The quality of people there doesn’t hold a candle to LS, and currently I no longer go there at all. But something interesting happened there: I chatted with someone local to me. To the point where we actually ran into each other. It wasn't planned. It wasn't deterred either. I was curious. Maybe after chatting with people that seemed so far away for such a long time? Plus, the absence of the Chinese friend. Yeah, I might be making excuses here and I don't see it, but I don't think so. I was as confused as what as I was doing as I was confused as to why my feelings in my marriage changed.[/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]Anyway, what it boils down is that I could have cheated. I still can. But there is NO WAY in hell that I would. It's just not me or who I want to be. I will not allow myself to be turned into that. I should not have been mentally driven to consider it in the first place. I think behind every cheater is a troubled marriage or a totally selfish promiscuous person has no issues with empty sex.[/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]But in a way I am glad I saw the situation for myself. It was almost like a test and I am so glad I passed. I had ZERO mental connection with this woman. Nothing. She is quite attractive too. But I felt like garbage after seeing her. Again, it was not a planned meeting, but I could have avoided it. I was curious. And I am SO GLAD nothing happened. I would have felt so cheap. I need that MENTAL stimulation before anything anyway. [/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]What the hell I was thinking? I didn't need to feel guilty for doing something so stupid for the rest of my life. I didn't need to live with the fear I would be found out. Or live with that reminder for the rest of my life of every time I hear something about cheating on the radio or TV; I'd be reminded of that moment.[/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]This has to be the LOWEST I possibly had ever stooped.[/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]But I think in a way I had to see it for myself. Stupid.[/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]What else made it so cheap? I barely knew this person other than a few online chats. How empty is that? Would it be different if I really knew the person? Maybe. A strong mental connection mixed with physical attraction...wow. That's what fantasies are made of. I don't know if I could resist that. So it looks like I contradicted everything I just wrote. Maybe.[/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]Anyway, this is NOTHING I am proud of, and though nothing happened, I will never allow it to be forgotten. It was just that I'm lonely in my marriage. That is no excuse. It's just that I feel/felt so abandoned.[/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]So judge me all the way to the next Halley's Comet arrival (but then you should really stop).[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]NEXT POST: Dark Time

[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]