THE LS EXPERIENCE

During such talks among my few LS friends, I was learning to become more open w/ith myself. More honest if you will. One very good LS'r demanded it pretty much. Or at least since they adopted that behavior, I adopted that frame of mind of being honest with oneself and what is going on.

And, to my surprise, I embraced it.

It can be quite addicting. In fact, that honest state of mind carried over when I communicated with the Chinese woman for the month of July.

She was VERY happy I was that way with her.

But then, shortly after, the communication stopped. I tried contacting her twice. And heard nothing. I have to admit I missed her at the time.

But I am not the type to push it though. And just to make it totally clear: nothing ever happened between us. Nothing. In fact, I think straight men do more touching then we did. I think handshakes and hug greetings sum it up.

But maybe something happened on her side? She did have a male work friend that she would go on walks with during lunch. Perhaps that had something to do with it.

But my RL EA was gone. Just done. With no nothing. No reason. Just disappeared off the radar. Man, I had enemies that at least told me to F off before disappearing. I don't hate her. Don't blame her.

Anyway, it all worked out for the best...

During this time a few things were going on emotionally where I needed to express myself. I don't have many talents. Very few actually. However, I rekindled an old hobby.

(I believe one cannot create something artistically worthwhile unless true passion is behind it) It was nice to feel that again. I was actually able to turn the end products of the passion into something profitable. And that is something I won't forget. More on this later.

Currently, I just started speaking with some of my Fav 5 again (after over 3 months of no communication with any of them).

I decided to bail when one outsider was getting 'threatening' and hostile in private towards to me regarding one of my friends. I can take care of myself, believe me. All of the Fav 5 knows that. But when others are involved, especially when someone you are close to, it is sometimes better to back away and let things diffuse until they become clear. I am confident time will tell on this one. Regardless, my conclusion was the same: step back. Let thing settle. Life will go on without me just fine when if I get out of the way.

So at this time, I was in the process of working things out for the better, and I could not afford the interference.

In other words, I have to apply my energy into myself with what I am discovering and not get detracted. Bailing out of LS led me to another site. The quality of people there doesn’t hold a candle to LS, and currently I no longer go there at all. But something interesting happened there: I chatted with someone local to me. To the point where we actually ran into each other. It wasn't planned. It wasn't deterred either. I was curious. Maybe after chatting with people that seemed so far away for such a long time? Plus, the absence of the Chinese friend. Yeah, I might be making excuses here and I don't see it, but I don't think so. I was as confused as what as I was doing as I was confused as to why my feelings in my marriage changed.

Anyway, what it boils down is that I could have cheated. I still can. But there is NO WAY in hell that I would. It's just not me or who I want to be. I will not allow myself to be turned into that. I should not have been mentally driven to consider it in the first place. I think behind every cheater is a troubled marriage or a totally selfish promiscuous person has no issues with empty sex.

But in a way I am glad I saw the situation for myself. It was almost like a test and I am so glad I passed. I had ZERO mental connection with this woman. Nothing. She is quite attractive too. But I felt like garbage after seeing her. Again, it was not a planned meeting, but I could have avoided it. I was curious. And I am SO GLAD nothing happened. I would have felt so cheap. I need that MENTAL stimulation before anything anyway.

What the hell I was thinking? I didn't need to feel guilty for doing something so stupid for the rest of my life. I didn't need to live with the fear I would be found out. Or live with that reminder for the rest of my life of every time I hear something about cheating on the radio or TV; I'd be reminded of that moment.

This has to be the LOWEST I possibly had ever stooped.

But I think in a way I had to see it for myself. Stupid.

What else made it so cheap? I barely knew this person other than a few online chats. How empty is that? Would it be different if I really knew the person? Maybe. A strong mental connection mixed with physical attraction...wow. That's what fantasies are made of. I don't know if I could resist that. So it looks like I contradicted everything I just wrote. Maybe.

Anyway, this is NOTHING I am proud of, and though nothing happened, I will never allow it to be forgotten. It was just that I'm lonely in my marriage. That is no excuse. It's just that I feel/felt so abandoned.

So judge me all the way to the next Halley's Comet arrival (but then you should really stop).

NEXT POST: Dark Time