Well, it's been 4 months since John went home. Where I really am is not very far from where I started, and I feel that in itself is a horrible sign.

Here are the high points of the last 2 months:

1. John and Charlotte are still dating.

2. John tells me he loves her.

3. John finds out that he will be back in my city for work about 1 month from now, and that Charlotte completely trusts him and has no problem with it as long as he doesn't stay with Bob and I (which of course would be out of the question at this point anyway).

4. I believe 2 & 3 above mean that John has completely moved on and expect nothing beyond friendship to happen between us while he is here.

This about summed it up until Tuesday morning. It had been 2 weeks since I had talked to John. I logged in and he was there, I say Hi, mostly because I want to hear more about his plans for his trip, specifically whether he will stay with a coworker or in a hotel. Because of work I know I will be seeing him everyday. The conversation became sexual, initiated by him. This is the first time since my birthday over 3 months ago, and since he started dating Charlotte that any of our conversations have been anything more than friendly. I'll leave the really x-rated part out, but I will post a slightly edited version of the rest of our conversation:

John: do you think we will be able to control ourselves in [my city]?

Me: I don't know...but I know if you stay at [coworker's] the entire two weeks it will be extremely difficult to be alone with you for even a few minutes...I don't know if I can stand seeing you every single day for 2 weeks and pretending that we are just casual friends the whole time...

Me: we could draw up some guidelines...like only being "alone" in public places

John: if that's what you want

Me: No, that's not "what I want"...but that doesn't matter. What I want is for you to be happy, and you say you love this girl, so I will do my best to keep you from [messing] it up

John: well, I do love her, but I don't think we'll be together for the rest of our lives

Me: well, I don't know what will happen when we are here, but I won't throw myself at you, I promise.

John: ok... and if I want you too?

Me: Well...I don't know...I only have so much self-control...it depends I guess...like if you tell me now that you really really don't want it to happen, I will do my best to refuse...but I still find you sexy as [....]

John: ok, I'd better go and shave now

Me: ok

John: but I'm sure that if we would be alone ( maybe in my hotel room ) I would [have sex with] you

John: I also think you are sexy as [....]

Me: Well, if you invite me in, I now will know why...(and I have noticed that you were unable to tell me you really really didn't want it to happen)

John: we'll see I guess

end of relevant conversation.

He is currently traveling and away from home now for a couple weeks, and on Saturday he meets up with Charlotte in her native country to go and meet her parents.

No, Bob knows none of this. He does know that John is coming into town, but that's all he knows. I realize that if something happens between Bob and I it will be genuine cheating this time. To say my mind is mush is an understatement. I am also traveling for work at the moment and have not really had a moment of rest to really think things through. I don't think I will think to much about it until he is here, I know myself well enough to know that if I try to "figure it out" I will just end up obsessing about it. But since there was a comment on my first post, I thought I'd put an update.